|Reviews for For Granddaddy|
| Dark Mage Raistlin chapter 1 . 2/20/2007
(I wish fictionpress was put together as well as dA. It's no wonder we left here.)
I do and I don't want to be critical about this one. I am rather torn - because I like it, enjoy a lot about it - but feel that the words aren't going together correctly: frustrating.
So here are my thoughts. Stanzas one and two are poetic, and even the final line of stanza three persuades it into poetry - but by the fourth stanza, the identity of this work as a poem is faded, and by the fifth (and thereafter through the end) the feeling of poetry has entirely dissipated, despite the line divisions. In fact, more than anything, your line divisions towards the end seem to work against you rather than for you (compare Rice Paper and Coffee, Oxymoron, Courtship).
Specific critiques. Stanza 4, line 3: awkward. I'm not certain if you have a set metre of some sort that I didn't follow, but it does seem like you're trying to fit a long idea into too few words.
Stanza 2, line 7: consider "oath" for "promise".
Line 12-13: Be careful about "scent of sweat is the same as scent of honour". You may want to narrow down such a general statement by a little bit.
I don't understand the inclusion of stanza 5, honestly. Part of that is the tense-switching: has, loved, would like, told, is...
Might do some work to the end of stanza 4, "I grinned back at him and charmed": but perhaps that's my bias of how I would want to write into it.
In any case, there's a lot of good imagery in this poem, but it doesn't seem to be entirely serious work, or at least not to have undergone a lot of revision. Sorry if any of this has sounded overly critical - it wasn't intended that way, as you know.
| Jadyn chapter 1 . 2/14/2007
oh. Very very nice. It captures who he is as well as how you feel about him. I like this one a lot. We don't use this site much anymore do we...?
| Getuie chapter 1 . 2/9/2007
A beautiful tribute. I found the first stanza in particular to be well set up.