Reviews for Peppermint and Chocolate: Aphrodite Academy Series
breakthehabit chapter 1 . 4/13/2013
MORE?! ADGDASGF/ I love it. :D
The Eternally Heartbroken chapter 1 . 1/2/2011
This story was very sweet, no pun intended. I felt so bad for Shiharu, what with Urumi wanting to phase out their relationship like that.

I'm going to read the sequel now.
BobSince1934 chapter 1 . 6/27/2010
I'm in love with this series or story or whatever already, and I've only read this little snippet of it. I can't wait to read the rest.
Cuenta part 3 of review chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
Sorry if it seems like I'm spamming. As I said before, there's a word limit. DX

Overall, I like the sweetness of this piece. It wasn't cliched and Tori didn't get everything she exactly wanted in the end (with her being friends with Shiharu for the time being), which is impressive.

Some of the dialogue felt stilted during the part with Tori and Shinaru. When they're talking about dating each other, it feels like info dumping and just telling. I can suggest trying to convey emotion to show - I like how you did it during the conflict between Shinaru and Urumi. Plus, there are too many dialogue tags. If it's two people talking, tag the first two lines and the rest without them, until there's a new action or when another character steps in.

I actually like the idea of your series. So far, it's not the cliched all-girls Catholic school where there are secret relationships between some of the females, which is impressive. I also like how so far, the "school" part doesn't take over the actual plot. Just one question though: Does this Academy take place in a specific place/country, or is not mentioning that detail intentional?
Cuenta chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
Part two of my review because of the stupid word limit. -_-'

Don't worry, it's not your fault.

I'll be posting my overall constructive criticism in another anonymous review.

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

{“I wish you hadn’t gone out of your way to do this. I’m not worth something this beautiful. Why couldn’t you have gotten me a box of chocolate, or a rose like all the others?” Shiharu pouted staring down the cake.} A comma after "Shiharu pouted." I believe "at" should be between "down" and "the."

{“About four hours. I don’t mind really I love baking. Remember we had that cooking class last year...”} A comma before and after "really."

{Tori nearly bit her tongue remembering Urumi was also in the class.} A comma after "tongue."

{“Why not and besides, I brought us some plates to enjoy that yummy cake. Come on, we have almost forty minutes to kill. Let’s get to know each other,” Shiharu suggested.} A comma after "Why not."

{Tori hesitantly asked catching the seething eyes of fellow students.} A comma after "asked."

{Shiharu took a bite of her sandwich eyeing the cake.} A comma after "sandwich."

{“Can you cut it, I feel so bad ruining it.”} A question mark after "Can you cut it."

{“You’re not ruining it! I made it for you to eat. Beyond the symbolism, it’s just a cake, ok I lied it’s really symbolic, and when I gave you this heart, it was representing me giving you my real heart.} A comma after "ok", and another after "lied."

{Look I honestly can’t even say why I’m in love with you. I wish I wasn’t, it almost feels like crushing on Shiharu is the new fad. And hey, I’m an unfortunate victim of evolution of I guess. But as much as I’m walking that line to what’s cool, I really do care about you.} A comma after "Look." I believe the "of" after "evolution" should be omitted.

{“Tori you’re so sweet. I remember that day; I was so worried about you. You were out almost a half hour, and you ran a fever. I think it was instincts more than anything. I do want to be a nurse when I grow up after all.”} A comma after "Tori."

{Tori giggled making an even slice of the cake.} A comma after "giggled."

{Shiharu innocently asked noting the size of the slice.} A comma after "asked."

{“Hmm, maybe I am. You know it’s weird. Sitting here with you like this, I don’t feel so nervous anymore. Why is that?” Tori asked cutting herself a slice.} I believe there should be a comma after "You know", and another after "Tori asked."

{“Maybe you’ve finally realized I’m just another girl. What is everyone’s obsession with Japan anyway? Seriously, half the school wants to be Japanese. And you know what, if you go to Japan, they want to be American’s, especially the whole emo and punk rock scene. And yes I do like J-Pop,” Shiharu admitted taking her first bite.} I believe "American's" should be "Americans." Also, a comma after "And yes", and another after "Shiharu admitted."

{Tori sat on pins and needles awaiting the final verdict.} A comma after "needles."

{Shiharu nodded licking her lips.} A comma after "nodded."

{“That’s very nice of you but let’s not forget why you’re here. And you still haven’t answered my question, why am I here?” Shiharu smiled watching Tori fumble with her fork.} A comma after "nice of you", and another after "smiled."

{I’m just one of the many girls with the same goal. I do want to be ‘the one’ okay. Who wouldn’t, you can call me shallow but you’re beautiful. I love everything about you, your hair, the way you smile, the color of your eyes, even how you walk.”} A comma after " 'the one' ."

{Once more Tori was faced with the question, and even if this was Shiharu, she could only take so much.} A comma after "Once more."

{Tori stood up slinging the bag over her shoulder.} A comma after "up."

{Against her better judgment Tori sat down.} A comma after "judgment."

{Tori daringly reached across clasping Shiharu’s hands.} A comma after "across."

{“You can’t put the blame on yourself. But let me guess, Urumi was your first girlfriend wasn’t she?”} A comma after "girlfriend."

{“Maybe my expectations were too high. I mean Urumi did have a point, we’re only sixteen, and I was talking marriage. I was so immersed in love, that I forgot we’re still teenagers. And sixteen isn’t the prime age to settle down.”} A comma after "I mean."

{“See, things can get better once you can accept the truth. But Shiharu, think of this as a learning experience. Love sucks to be quite honest. It makes you do all these crazy things, act really weird, and in the end, you have to ask yourself, is it really worth it?} A comma after "Love sucks."

{Then there are those moments when love IS worth it. Like when you think back to looking into Urumi’s eyes, and telling her, you’re so beautiful. And she would smile; you know that smile you treasure, the one you can visually construct down to the finest detail.} I believe there should be a comma after "Then."

{“And you can never forget how she smells, you remember that don’t you?”} A comma after "remember that."

{Tori leaned across the table, sniffing Shiharu’s neck, their eyes met, the scent to peppermint and chocolate between them.} I can sugest a semi-colon or period after "neck."

{“Because you want to be,” Tori whispered taking the ultimate plunge.} A comma after "whispered."

{She closed her eyes impacting on those angelically soft lips.} A comma after "eyes."

{Shiharu giggled promptly ending their moment.} A comma after "giggled."

{She licked the peppermint off Tori’s lips resuming her seat.} A comma after "lips."

{“That’s okay Shiharu. It is pretty selfish to expect you to bounce back so quickly. As much as I do care about you, I want to be the object of your affection. And that’s unfair to you, because I want you to move forward, and you’re still adjusting to your present life,” Tori said.} A comma after "That's okay."

{“Well that’s not completely true. Tori you’ve done something none of the other were willing to. You put my feelings before your own. I don’t know you that well, but that doesn’t mean we can never become girlfriends,” Shiharu hinted.} A comma after "Well", and another after "Tori." Also, I belive "none of the other" should be "none of the others."

{“Wait, do you mean there’s a chance, you’d go out with me? Please don’t joke about this Shiharu.”} A comma after "about this."

{“I’m not Tori, but like you initially said to me, you’re not here to win me over. And you know what I’m not going to be your girlfriend. Don’t be sad, I’m going through a rough time, and I could use a shoulder to lean on, a real friend I can confide in,” Shiharu explained.} A comma after "I'm not", and another after "And you know what."

{Her face was lifted by Shiharu’s delicate hands meeting a smile.} A comma after "delicate hands."

{“I want us to be friends Tori. This can be good for both of us, and we can work from there. We’ll gain a better respect for each other as friends. And then if we decide to take the next step, we will be confident and certain of that decision,” Shiharu promised.} A comma after "friends", and another after "And then."

{Tori nodded lightly smiling as Shiharu wiped away her tears.} A comma after "lightly."

{“I guess being friends is better than nothing right?”} A comma after "nothing."

{“Well I like to consider it friends with benefits, only we’re not sleeping together or dating,” Shiharu clarified.} A comma after "Well." Also, I believe "as" should be between "it" and "friends."

{“Then what are the benefits?” Tori asked in heavy skepticism.} I think there should be a comma after "Then."

{She waved back at Caroline who gave a thumbs up.} A comma after "Caroline."

{“Yey! I’m on my first step toward recovery, and I owe it all to you. But please Tori, don’t let me stop you from dating other girls.”} I could be wrong, but I think "Yey!" should be "Yay!"

{“Yeah right, I’m not screwing this up. I basically have one foot in the door. I’ll earn your trust Shiharu, and by this time new year, I’ll be your girlfriend,” Tori pledged affixing her button on Shiharu.} A comma after "this time."

{She greedily ate the slice licking the peppermint sprinkles.} A comma after "slice."

{Shiharu walked around the table pulling up a seat next to Tori.} A comma after "table."

{She leaned into another soft kiss, almost slipping tongue.} I believe "her" should be between "slipping" and "tongue."

{Just as quickly the kiss ended.} A comma after "quickly."

{“Thank you Shiharu,” Tori said almost breathlessly.} A comma after "Shiharu."

{In fairness Tori was fully prepared to reciprocate.} A comma after "In fairness."

{Tori scratched her head imagining the uses for such a trinket.} A comma after "head."

{She covered the cake looking off into the crowd.} I believe there should be a comma after "cake."

{“You can always date boys if you want less complication. It’s just then you couldn’t go to this school anymore. I don’t know about you but I like the complication,” Shiharu said.} A comma after "I don't know about you."

{She looked around the cafeteria, girls of all shapes and sizes.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "cafeteria", or add "at" after it.

{“Shiharu, I want you to meet my best friend Caroline. Don’t worry she already knows you’re just a girl.”} A comma after "Don't worry."

{“Actually is just did, take a look,” Shiharu urged pointing to Urumi and Madeline’s table…} A comma after "Actually", and I believe "is" should be "it." A comma after "urged."
Brenda Agaro chapter 1 . 9/10/2009
I like this part: {She leaned against the desk, fingers brushing across various objects. “Get out.”} Good showing and conveying of emotions. Again, "looked" has been repeated. Replace one of them with a synonym. The same with "walked." Otherwise, it'll make the word choice lifeless, to be honest.

The rest will be in an anonymous review.

-*-

Corrections/Feedback:

{Peppermint kisses drizzling across gyring cherry blossoms.} This sentence confused me. I think "drizzling" should be "drizzled."

{Shiharu stood up walking toward the bed, turning on her heel for one last look.} I believe there should be a comma after "stood up."

{Shiharu shook her head seeing they were in order.} A comma after "head."

{She cradled Shiharu’s head kissing the bridge of her nose.} A comma after "head."

{Shiharu touched her nose feeling the moisture of the kiss.} A comma after "nose."

{“Okay now you’re starting to creep me out. Why not kiss my lips? I think they’re sexy, and you know you like how they feel, come on kiss them.”} A comma after "Okay."

{Shiharu pulled Urumi closer licking her peppermint lip gloss.} A comma after "closer."

{She rolled on her back looking up through the skylight.} A comma after "back."

{Urumi sat up atop Shiharu’s stomach.} "sat up atop" seems awkward. I can suggest rewording that part [ex: sat atop.]

{Urumi rolled her eyes locking down Shiharu’s wrists.} A comma after "eyes."

{She leaned down brushing her lips across Shiharu’s, “We really need to talk okay?”} A comma after "down", and another after "talk."

{Shiharu nodded realizing something was awry.} A comma after "nodded."

{She smiled against Urumi’s progressing frown, it didn’t seem enough this time.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "frown."

{Urumi’s looked into Shiharu’s lap, a favorite place to lay her head, only this time it served to avoid eye contact.} "Urumi's looked into Shiharu's lap" confused me. Maybe "Urumi's eyes looked into Shiharu's lap"?

{On that venomous phrase Shiharu’s heart wept.} A comma after "phrase."

{“I’ve been struggling with this for a long time. And, Shiharu I can’t do this to you anymore. I…”} I believe there should be a comma after "Shiharu."

{“But why Urumi? We promised each other we’d be together forever.”} A comma after "But why."

{“Shiharu stop this! Listen to yourself, we’re only sixteen. What do we even know about true love? We made that stupid pact two years ago when we started dating.} A comma after "Shiharu."

{It wasn’t supposed to be so hard for Urumi; she had coached herself through a graceful yet honorable breakup.} I believe there should be a comma after "graceful."

{Over the past week Urumi was certain it was the right choice, their love had run its course.} A comma after "week." I can suggest a semi-colon after "right choice."

{Even with such convincing assurances, she looked into Shiharu’s eyes feeling that very rippling in her heart.} A comma after "Shiharu's eyes."

{Shiharu looked up into Urumi’s eyes trying to understand.} A comma after "eyes."

{She drew Urumi’s face forward coaxing her into a smile.} A comma after "forward."

{With a nod Shiharu stood up and walked away.} A comma after "nod."

{Urumi stood up; she still wanting to end the relationship on good terms.} I believe "wanting" should be "wanted."

{“You can’t just throw away two years of our lives like this! What about me, don’t you even give a damn how I feel? You can’t just rip my heart out walk away!”} I believe "and" should be between "out" and "walk."

{Urumi held her ground, flinching at the globe shattered.} I believe "at" should be "as."

{The globe was birthday present to Shiharu, a keepsake from Urumi’s week long trip to Japan.} I believe "a" should be between "was" and "birthday."

{Engraved in the nameplate Urumi loves Shiharu in Japanese.} I believe "was" should be between "nameplate" and "Urumi."

{Shiharu sat on the bed seeing the hurt in Urumi’s eyes.} A comma after "bed."

{Tori jumped, grabbing her tray extra tight feeling a hand on her shoulder.} A comma after "tight."

{“I’m that bad huh?”} A comma after "bad."

{Tori frowned, turning around greeting Caroline, her best friend since the eighth grade.} "turning around greeting Caroline" confused me. Maybe add a comma after "around"? Or it could be reworded [ex: turning around to greet Caroline.]

{“Why couldn’t it be any other girl, why does she have to hold my heart in her pretty little fist?”} I can suggest a semi-colon after "other girl."

{Caroline threw an arm around Tori walking to their table.} A comma after "Tori."

{“I really don’t see the big deal about Shiharu. I mean sure she’s hot and all, but I think it’s just because she’s Japanese. Her and Urumi are the only Asians in the school, and for that they’re a hot commodity, isn’t that just a little unfair?”} I believe there should be a comma after "I mean."

{Tori slumped in her seat staring idly into her tray.} A comma after "seat."

{“Yeah it is. But that doesn’t change the fact I want to jump her bones. Since her and Urumi broke up, it’s been open season, and she’s turned down every girl that’s asked her out.”} I believe there should be a comma after "Yeah."

{“Oh come on, it’s not that. Shiharu couldn’t be that shallow to only date Asian girls. Then again there are no other single Asian girls. I think she’s still not over Urumi. She did get dumped on Christmas Eve after all, that had to majorly suck,” Tori reminded, nodding as she could almost feeling Shiharu’s heart being ripped out.} A comma after "Oh", and another after "Then again."

{“Yeah it’s a shame; they were such a cute couple. And Urumi left her for Madeline of all people. She’s the biggest ho in school. Everyone knows.”} A comma after "Yeah."

{“Maybe it’s maternal, and she’s a wounded child everyone wants to nurture,” Tori shrugged.} I could be wrong, but I don't think shrugged is a dialogue tag. I think there should be a period after "nurture."

{“Well all defenses aside, today is the day Tori. It’s probably your only chance at Shiharu. It’s just you have to get through…them first.”} A comma after "Well."

{Tori’s eyes narrowed scanning Shiharu’s table.} A comma after "narrowed."

{It was thee power table, only the most privileged students earned a seat.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "table."

{“Tori, if you don’t go over there I will! It took you almost four hours to make that heart, not to mention all those extra trimmings. That thing isn’t going to waste,” Caroline assured.} A comma after "over there."

{“But…look at her. She’s so perfect, maybe this was a dumb idea. What if she tells me to go away,” Tori whispered closing her bag.} There should be a question mark after "go away", and a comma after "whispered."

{“Stop being a baby, I’m tired of hearing you go on and on about Shiharu. The worst that can happen is she’ll say no. I feel like I’m the only girl in this school without a crush on her. Then again I like Spanish girls, except for Madeline, you know because she’s a mega ho,” Caroline admitted.} A comma after "Then again", and another after "you know."

{“Tori, as your best friend, I cannot sit here and watch you squander away this opportunity. For whatever reason, you’ve caught the Shiharu bug, and you like all the others hopefully can try to be ‘the one.’} A comma after "you", and another after "others."

{It’ll be okay Tori, just breath easy, and remember she’s just another girl like you and me. Well she’s sinfully pretty, but just another girl,” Caroline nodded in a hopefully penetrating pep talk.} "breath" should be "breathe." Also, I believe there should be a comma after "remember", and another after "Well."

{“Okay…I can to this; it’s just Shiharu, a regular girl just like me.” } "to" should be "do." Also, I believe there should be a comma after "regular girl."

{Tori cracked a smile imagining Shiharu committing said crime.} A comma after "smile."

{The moment Tori reached Shiharu’s table her brain hiccupped.} I believe there should be a comma after "table."

{She stood at the end of the table, multiple alluring eyes cast upon her bleak stare.} I believe "cast" should be "casted."

{Shiharu put down her sandwich, looking into Tori’s colorless face, and cast her prolific smile momentarily rendering Tori free from all intimidation.} "cast" should be "casted." Also, a comma after "smile."

{Tori wanted do die in the verbal disaster.} This could be dropped as what she said shows this. If you want to leave it, then it's fine.

{“Can we talk in private, it’s a little embarrassing?”} Is the question mark at the end intentional? I'm just wondering, because to me that part doesn't look like a question (the question mark could be after "private.")

{“I supposed I can make an exception. I’m curious what you made. No one has ever taken to time to actually make me a gift.”} "I'm curious what you made" confused me. Maybe reword it? [ex: I'm curious to see what you've made.]

{For Tori it was the equivalent of being crowed prom queen.} A comma after "Tori." I believe "crowed" should be "crowned."

{Still it was a risk Tori had to take, already stepping into the fire.} A comma after "Still."

{All at once the room hushed.} A comma after "All at once."

{Shiharu smirked taking a seat.} A comma after "smirked."

{Tori looked into Shiharu’s eyes pondering the same question.} A comma after "eyes."

{She wept fully removing the bin from her bag, inwardly cursing herself for such a choice of words.} A comma after "wept fully."

{Shiharu stared at the cake drawing it closer, and then looked at Tori.} A comma after "cake."

{Tori nodded seeing everyone peeking at the cake.} A comma after "nodded."
Carley chapter 1 . 6/14/2009
This is great so far!

Im bi so I love the girl/girl thing.

Good detail, but theres a tiny problem.

Why the hell couldn't you keep writing and make this chapter longer. You seriously just left me hanging. Unfair.

Great job.
awriterscorned chapter 1 . 5/30/2009
Hi, just Z so don't get too excited thinking somebody new is reviewing.

“I bag you something in my made.” - I like this line.

Also, Caroline totally reminds me of you. The thing about the floater, I could totally see you saying that, and the part about "every second you waste, you're giving another girl a chance."

This was written a while back and I think sometimes you take some questionable risks with the thesaurus but ultimately it's a very honest and sweet story so far and I like it thus far.

*Waits for you to go, "I can't believe you reviewed Aphrodite Academy, I never thought you'd read that one!"*
Phoebe Melinda Halliwell chapter 1 . 5/3/2009
Great story! I love it! I do think it's sad that Yurumi left Shiharu, but that was only the beginning for Shiharu. I can't wait to read more of your stories! You really have the ability to get to the point, but do it gently enough to still be able to be understood.

Great story! Keep up the great work!
Red Panda Puppy chapter 1 . 1/15/2009
What? What's over with her Ex and the whore? WHAT IS SHE POINTING AT? ;; Tel me...perfect story
0.0 NightRiders 0.0 chapter 1 . 6/5/2008
bloody good idea

AND A CLIFFHANGER

i hate you...

but love you XD

awesome story, and i still cant believe you left us with a CLIFFHANGER

please start the new series, for a guy who writes lesbian stories, you sure are amazing at writing them, sometimes i keep on thinking your a girl, because the feeling are so in - depth and so realistic its almost impossible to think that your not

no offence

:)

continue writing!

love the idea and story

it would make an awesome addition

youre awesome - always

ciao

Sam
Sarely chapter 1 . 5/16/2008
R u going 2 continoue dis
the nerdy chapter 1 . 3/22/2008
i love the idea! i cant help it, a federally fudded privet acadamy for lesbians! that is my dream in a nut shell! i love your brain and its workings. i really hope you make this a series and i loved the one shot. nice work dude.
Elodie Wolfe chapter 1 . 2/21/2008
AH GREATNESS as usual. Grrness I hate cliffys, but that mkes me want an update even more. I bet somethings gonna happen no? update soon.

Love Middi
mathewbailey chapter 1 . 8/17/2007
i love this story its not like other yuri stories were its either all about sex or a drama about coming out. its nice to read one that actully about the dating end of the situation. i would enjoy reading more stoies like this one.
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