|Reviews for More Meat to Eat|
| AdamCrabtree chapter 6 . 2/22/2007
Now we're getting to the (looks around, speaks quietly) "meat" of the situation...
| SplintofGrass chapter 6 . 2/22/2007
I like this story, and the idea. But wouldn't Manhattan be flooded over if the world was so polluted? What with global warming and the ice caps melting. Or is the city building somewhere in the middle of land? And what other laws are there to help lower the population? I think that the number of children born each year should be strictly regulated. After a certain amout of time, population wouldn't be a problem.
What about deseases, viruses, epidemics, those sorts of things? When nature's unbalanced, nature fights back. Metapopulation decline, genetic drift, are all things there might be (or not be) in a post apocalyptic world. So while Karen saw a flock of birds through the window, they might be one of the few different species of birds left on earth. Oh, and, would it be snowing in winter, in this story?
Maybe you already did, but please try to research and maybe include some of these things in your story. It would be interesting. Anyway, sorry for mixing in all sorts of things in a review, and I hope I'm not coming across as too forceful. I really do like this story, and hope to continue reading it as soon as the next installment is posted.
| AdamCrabtree chapter 5 . 2/21/2007
You're clearly a complete maladjust... and that's really working for your writing! ;-)
You have such a good head for high concept it's untrue, and you're a meticulous world builder to boot. For all the heights of invention, you've still managed to create a very human core for your story; illogical, volatile and not-wholly-likeable... but you can't bring yourself to abandon them...
The lingo you've created actually makes a lot of sense, what with some of the excesses of censorship in our world today. "Bleep" is a little linguistic eccentricity I could genuinely see creeping into common use; it has a clear base in the censorship protocols of the day.
The society of Manhattan is as consistent as it is utterly ghoulish; the vitality bubbling beneath the surface of ill health, the proud and (would be) pioneering spirit of the youth, the maudlin teen sexuality, the acceptance of mortality and of stifling uniformity such as never before in our history... you've clearly spent a good little while putting the pieces together.
The characters are well drawn too, with Karen's vivaciousness set in counterpoint to the (understandable) pettiness of Alyce, and of Louise's shark-like scenting of blood in the water; as soon as she gets one opp for advancement she just wants more and more!
David is an intriguing piece o' work too... the theological aspect helps give the story some more heart, and his preoccupation with a gentler time as shown by the watching of old movies brings something approaching a 20th century point of view to it. Very clever, my man.
Three things I will say:
- Could use with an explanation as to why there are no (ahem) veggie alternatives (or indeed a pig or two).
- The ratio of "dialogue-that-explains-stuff" to "plain-ole-dialogue" needs redressing a bit; what would the people of this future society joke about for instance?
- Milk. Makes a body better.
| Nemonus chapter 4 . 2/19/2007
Oh great, she's out of it again.
All the dramas are a little hard to follow, but I do see that none of these girls are any good. However, they are products of the society. The deal about the extra rations was well-created and as irritating to the protagonist as it could be, so that's good. This chapter was a little like the second one-are you going to intersperce plot things with teenage drama things? That's ok. It is personal preference that I will fade out on the latter sort. Unique story, anyway.
| Nemonus chapter 3 . 2/19/2007
Ah, there's that sentence.
Wow, the part about the prayer is a twist I was not expecting. I like Dave's character now, more so than any of the other half-heroes you have given moments to. Your sentences about theology and how it exists in this strange society are very interesting.
This sentence "You're exaggerating beyond all good sense and reason Mr. Avery."" needs a comma before the proper name like its predecessor has, if indeed you want to repeat the name.
| Nemonus chapter 2 . 2/19/2007
Everyone-and Karen-takes it so calmly when she returns as if from the dead. Is this because they're all so calloused? I'd guess so, but I'd like to see more of Karen's thoughts in this part. You do a good job of being a creepy omniscient narrator, showing all the ramifications and the teenage dramas which are only subtly different, perhaps, from our own. This chapter doesn't do too much to foreward the plot along; it's a bit of atmosphere. I am unsure whether that is enough.
| Nemonus chapter 1 . 2/19/2007
The change to the scene in the beginning is better now; it shows what's going on and retains the shock value. Did you excise completely the sentence which was in the summary for a while, something ending with 'they thanked God for every meal they ate' or something like that? I liked that sentence a lot. It was intriguing.
The 'bleeps' have toned down the sexuality, but they also sound silly. It's clear that you could've had the 'f-word' in there and edited it like a movie gets edited for TV. Why don't you just get rid of the scene between Louis and Alyce? I don't see the point of it.
You do not make it clear here that Karen is hanged because her team lost.
Very disturbing. Pretty good writing, though, except in some choppy moments.