Reviews for TRENCH REVISED |
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![]() ![]() ![]() This is great. I love the story although just leaving us hanging like that is kind of cruel, lol. Awesome writing, keep it up! |
![]() ![]() oh sounds like Justin was getting buzy are you sure this is appropriate ahha jk luv it |
![]() ![]() ![]() You wrote stuff. Good job. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Hurry! Hurry! Quick-posty! ... er... Sorry... It's good, really good... (Quick-posty New-chappie Trench-story - nevermind...) |
![]() ![]() ![]() WOOHO! Yay! *wiggles* More Trench!... It's getting really good... (And it's better than last time; you are successful!) |
![]() ![]() ![]() ooh... is my little jazza-mine fantasizing again? (jk, hon, don't mind me...) it IS a lot better than last time (i mean, this version is better than the other one...). if you do another scene at the school, maybe... describe random people, or something... (like, chase is talking to pike; chase says "hi, how are you?". pike stared for a moment at a blonde girl wearing spandex before answering. "um... confused.") it could make it really funny. not that you need help with funny or anything, you've actually got that down REALLY WELL... |
![]() ![]() ![]() "Believe, hoping only that if the dream turned into a nightmare… they would bake up" i like this one... jk, i know it's a mistake, but maybe you should leave it that way... this is really good, i think it's better than the first one... (and less name-dropping, wink-wink) |
![]() ![]() ![]() i'm liking this whole new-and-revised edition... just check a few grammar things (like "justin's eyes sparkled through his hair" in the previous chapter... that one was weird). keep up the exciting work! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Ew. Gross father of his. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Oh. That's what the bold is. Hm...well, it's not helping the story. Even though you explained it, it's still kind of like this little thing you see occasionally that's distracting. If its purpose is foreshadowing, then it's doing too good a job. Foreshadowing should be vague and inserted into the writing, not spelled out word-for-word for the reader. I advise losing the bold altogether. For the phone call, it's simple to just make it clearly a two-way conversation without having one of the parties speaking in bold. Hm. So Chase's father knows, too. CC: His dad didn't sound very mature or dad-like. Even if his nature is to be goofy in a way, in a situation like that he should have a serious demeanor. Chase's own self-doubt and thoughts about his predicament were good if a bit...verbose. I'd recommend shaving off what you could. Other than that, this chapter was good and Chase's character development was well done. I think I get the concept of There. If you're unsure about readers getting it, though, have whomever explains it to Skylar do it in a way that's simple. The readers will pick it up. Or Skylar could learn bits and pieces along the way and the reader could be in the dark with her. Best of luck! Wolfie |
![]() ![]() you got it up u got it up! yaya I luv ya hun and plez talk to me if u have a prob. cuz this could be my last year:( |
![]() ![]() Everyone always dresses when they go places...but I'm curious as to what she was originally wearing. Unless you wrote that...I don't know, there was something about 'thick' material in there...anyways some minor spelling mistakes. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Ah, so SKylar is here...There, and getting adjusted a little bit. Probably much easier for her if she thinks it's a lucid dream. The boldened words are a bit confusing, because at times they seem to be just for important, short sentences/words, but then you use them as her thoughts (for when she was thinking about writing a book about her 'dream'). Might wanna define what they are; use them in a consistent pattern. Other than that, it looks very nice and has excellent attention to detail. Wolfie |
![]() ![]() ![]() Wow, this sounds awesome. I can't wait to read more, But I'm kinda busy. If you don't recieve more reviews from me by Monday Evening, Pease start a search party! |
![]() ![]() ![]() ha ha yes aud it is me ha! i was just readin all da reveiws ha! luv the story ilu jazzy!:) |