|Reviews for City of Darkness|
| victoria Robinson chapter 1 . 3/23/2007
woah.. ur an amazing writer! im actually writing a lil book rite now 2... ok well not reele but ive gotten 2 chapters down. but its deffinately not as deep as ur books
u shud keep writing. ur good
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 2/19/2007
You said on your profile that you need a review before you can write the next chapter. Well, here I am encouraging creativity.
1)"I am sitting here now wondering where I am supposed to start." Comma after 'now'. Rule of thumb: use a comma whereve the reader would take a breath. It's not a perfect rule. It can turn otherwise innocent sentences into dangerous minefields of punctuation, but sometimes is helps.
2)"I mean come on why can no one think of anything more then vampires…" Comma after 'mean'. Period after 'on'. Maybe change that elipsis to a question mark, too?
3)"O.k. technically I didn’t think of this, more like it happened to me and ruined my LIFE not that I am one to complain or anything" Sorry 'bout all the grammar nit picks. 'Okay' Is basically a sentence on it's own, but it can be hitched onto other sentences. i.e. 'Okay, what do we do now?' I'm not sure how to deal with "O.K." 'cause it's got a period after it, but I think it should have a comma, too. Maybe. Anyways, comma after 'technically', semicolon (maybe) after 'this'. Period after 'life'. Also, please don't use all capital letters for anything other than acronyms. Please. Italics are fine, but capital letters are just not done. I'm sure the internet is slowly changing this, though.
4)"All has been great with me except the whole world is out to get me." Maybe reword that a little bit? Something like 'Everything's been fine with me. Okay. I lied. The whole world's out to get me.' Split up your sentences a little bit. I think the story might flow a little better for it.
5)"I bet you are really confused right about now, yah." Upgrade that comma to a period, or change the period to a question mark. Maybe add an 'e' to the 'yah'?
6)"Well I guess that would be when I was two years old and accidentally altered that fate of a world" Comma after 'well'
7)"note I say A world as in not ours." This is sorta an aside. Maybe parenthesis would work well?
8)"Who knows though I might have changed our world to but not in quit such a big way, I hope…" Comma before 'though'. Period after it. 'to' to 'too'.
9)"Well let me go all the way back to the very beginning" Comma after 'well'.
10)"I was a little girl who liked to talk and did not like any one be shy" 'to be' instead of 'be'.
11) Okay, Unless you really want more critiques, I'm gonna leave the rest of the missing commas in this story alone. Basically, use the rule of thumb and split up your sentences. That should help.
12)"One how to climb up and tree, and two how to climb down." I like that sentence. Without the second one, the first one's a recipe for disaster. Oh, colon after the 'one'.
13)"One we haven’t seen each other in forever and Two she is quiet and boring!" Jean's a list making sorta girl, I guess.
14)"At the moment all of yours friends who home school are busy next Monday and I have to work." Okay, be careful when you're dropping important plot details into dialogue. Sometimes they come out forced. This isn't too bad, but you might not want to toss all that information at once. Mention it bit by bit. Break up the sentence. It'll flow a bit better.
15)"My mother is a midget" When you're decribing a person with it, 'midget' calls up the idea of a biological midget. Which I think isn't what you meant to do. Maybe another synonym would work? Tiny, small, diminuitive?
16)"O.K. you lot, class is over" I know you established the art class earlier, but the story kinda jumps to it a little too fast.
17)"and don’t forget to fish your assignments" 'finish', maybe?
18)"But please call me Queen" That's...kinda...okay, it's weird. I sorta wish there was an explanation here.
19)"Role playing what on earth is that?" Question mark after 'role playing'.
20)"Role playing is basically playing pretend except it’s thousand times cooler." Actually, yeah. That's a really good way to put it.
21) This is kinda cool. Keep writing. With the story just starting, that's pretty much the best thing you can do for it.
| this account is no longer on chapter 1 . 2/18/2007
I'll start writing from Kaleen's point of view. Great Job on Jean's!