|Reviews for Race Track|
| May Elizabeth chapter 2 . 12/12/2008
I like this one too. I like the moral "it's not the ending of this 'race' it's the journey on the way." Good poem too. This one works with the two stanzas.
| May Elizabeth chapter 1 . 12/12/2008
This is an intresting poem. I really like it. This poem has so many different meanings depending on the person who reads it. Well done. Peace.
| Blissfully Sarcastic chapter 2 . 7/3/2008
Well, this part wasn't as bad. It was still choppy, but the last line in THIS one really got to me and, you know what it did? It made me laugh. Out loud. In front of a computer screen.
That rarely ever happens. Maybe once every other month, if that.
The redundancy is a little much, though. Maybe tone it down some.
| Blissfully Sarcastic chapter 1 . 7/3/2008
Eh, I didn't like it. At all. I think this is really the first time hating something of yours. It makes me feel awkward because I feel bad for not liking it. I'm used to candy coating your critiques because they were so good that they COULD be candy coated, and I used to like them so much that if I gave you a full blown critique, I'd make myself not like it. I wouldn't want that.
I don't like this, but on I go.
It doesn't have any type of poetic feel to it in its current state. It's just kind of choppy sentence fragments.
You could do much better if you put your mind into it. I know you can because I know that you're an amazing writer.
Everything passed the second stanza is completely-completely-COMPLETELY choppy and wasn't interesting to read.
I kept waiting for some sort of climax toward the end, maybe one amazing last line to lift my spirits and save the piece, but...nothing happened. It just went on telling the "story." That's all it was, really, a story written in stanzas: no reason to call it a poem other than the format. I think it's really more prose than poetry, and boring prose at that.
Sorry for having to do this. Don't hate me. I feel really awful.
If you were a stranger, I wouldn't feel bad, but we've been reviewing each other for so long.
You're really an awesome writer! I just wasn't feeling this piece.
| person is gone chapter 1 . 7/2/2008
Your choice of words is... wow Loved it all, apart from "cremating any chance". I feel I'm nit-picking here, but with your poems everything else seems to fit so brilliantly that even the smallest little bump seems a big difference XD Very, very well done. Especially love the metaphor about looking back. All very believable and realistic.
| LucienofShadow chapter 2 . 3/1/2008
That last line really bothers me. It draws me way out of the poem.
I'm not sure 'senses' is the best word to use there. Perhaps 'moments' would be better.
I like the distinction you make between there being one winner but many losers. Also, for some reason, this poem reminded me of one of my favorite Pratchett quotes: "This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic."
| LucienofShadow chapter 1 . 3/1/2008
I feel like 'in' at the beginning of the second line should be 'on.'
Second and third stanzas are really strong.
I like some of your word choices, 'cremating' in particular.
| GothicSpook chapter 2 . 11/16/2007
I love it. I agree that people do race thourgh their life without achieving the goals they dream of. I can relate because thats one thing I dont want to do is race through my life without living it to its fullest.
| GothicSpook chapter 1 . 11/16/2007
I took this as a metaphor for life and people who come in to your life and then leave. Very sad, but very true.
| ApplesCM chapter 1 . 3/9/2007
I love this metaphor!
| Her Wishing Well chapter 1 . 2/28/2007
Life really is like this. Great metaphor and the imagery depicted.
| FreewayofFlight chapter 2 . 2/26/2007
Using a racetrack as a metaphor for life was a good idea, I never would of thought of it (and I didn't), I thought though that the first 'Racetrack' was a bit better than the second one.
| laughter at the funeral chapter 1 . 2/23/2007
wow, i so liked the cremation thing...
i think it's actually the first time i read the word in a poem...you did a good job!
| teh tarik chapter 1 . 2/21/2007
oh such an interesting and definitely original idea. i love it.
| Manuel Fajar chapter 2 . 2/20/2007
Death came and whispered Her little secret,
But I was too far gone to listen well,
Somehow years of living left me ill-fit,
To understand Her early morn bird chirps;
Yes, I had thought my Soul filled with wisdom,
But thoughts evaporated when She came,
Her graceful pallor stilled all fears inside,
Her fateful touch calmed all of my life songs;
That next dawn that I eagerly had sought,
That next breath that I eagerly longed for,
That next heartbeat that never came but left,
All in an instant became mystery.