There is a certain air of sophistication to your writing. that gives it a very polished feel. It appears to me that either you have read alor of govenment conspiracy mysteries or by some way have aquired an advanced understanding of the conspiracy genre.

"heard about this assignment, she less she liked."

Small miss wording

Since the story is well written and good im going to have to be nit picky. So dont take it personal. I dont think I will find anything too awe striking.

"You won't be doing this alone," Raintree assured. "There's going to be an entire division of personnel assigned to back you up. While the girl is at school, she's going to be watched at all times by surveillance, so you will have some downtime."

Ok this part is well written but the way that it is written implies that the girl is actually in school already. So you probably want to think about rewording that. Im assuming that the girl is still a child and wont be going to school for at least another three years.

The starwars plug rubbed me the wrong way... it just did.

I keep finding myself absorbed into the text of this story. As a reviewer their is a certain level of detachment one has to keep in order to give a sound review. However im finding that difficult. (Thats a good thing, means I really like the story and cant think of many mean things to say.)

"then we can expect the psychotropic levels in her body to degrade at an inverse geometric curve over time." I dont know if you pulled that math out of your butt or if its really real. But it sure sounds real. Makes him sound really smart. I believe he is a doctor. Not because he was called a doctor but because his level of speech is consistant with an inteligent scientist.

Angelina put her fingers to her temples as her head was pounding painfully from the conflicting thoughts and emotions.

I dont particularly care for the way this sentence is worded. Dont feel like coming up wwith a better method but just be made aware.

"John suddenly flew back and was slammed and pinned against the brick fireplace."

John suddenly flew back and was slammed against the brick fireplace, pinned still.

Just a sugestion... do something about the double "and"

You really have the perfect main character because when you write you can have her feel other characters emotions. It just cuts down on having to imply a character, other than the POV characters, feelings.

clothes from the previous night, but her hair and clothes

Watch out for repeat words

In any case I have to get ready to move I will read more later good stuff. Out

wow. this...is a really good first chapter. gets the reader wondering what the Project entails. lookin forward to maybe seeing the little girl's/the parents' struggle with the studies.

not much constructive criticism i can give, it was really very good. all i can say is that there werea few punctuation errors with regards to commas at a few points. for example, "thank you raintree" should be "thank you, raintree." but judging by the quality of the story, i'd say you knew that and simply made a typo :).

i will certainly add to favorites list and continue reading when i get the chance later today/tomorrow.

if you get the time, could you please read my story 2465 AD: The Spectre of Reality please? Thanks!

-d1ng089

Another action filled chapter.

It seems rather odd to me to ask two soldiers to take care of one psychic child, and I don't understand what credentials they have that makes them standout from say normal parents? For the sake of keeping a facade, you could've just had two people from the agency (non-military) adopt the girl and take her in as their own.

That was just one of the earlier gripes in the story. I liked part when Mary tells Angie that her entire life is a sham. It's a very Truman-show moment right there. The only thing I'd advise is not for Mary to tell her "everything" but Angie to ask for it, like who her parents actually are, if Angie can already read their minds.

The last part of the chapter, when Raintree is talking to Angie, doesn't make quite sense to me. What is he trying to accomplish by provoking her further? I would understand if it was just to see what how far her superpowers ranged, but in that situation, he just wanted to bring her back in. I'd think a soothing procedure would work better in that scenario.

Still, I'm interested in where you're going with this. Onto the next chapter.

The realm of believability is slowly beginning to diminish as I continue reading and it's not because of the psychic/supernatural stuff. It's about character interaction, and these chapter seemed so rushed that none of it seemed believable.

We start of by meeting Ethan Taylor. Kind of creepy considered he needed some street hooligans to do his dirty job for him. I'll talk more about him in a bit.

The next scene is where Madelyn talks to a police officer. First off, the cop knew her name. I imagine he works for whatever shadowy organization that Raintree and Gruber are in, but you'd expect some sort of secrecy among his work. The cop's first mistake was knowing Madelyn's name; that'd ring some kind of bells in Madelyn's head as to WHY the cop knows her name. Second, right in front of her, he goes: Subject was here. Start the pattern and expand from this location."

WHY IN FRONT OF THE GIRL. I mean the cop could just easily dismiss her and alert the others of the fact that Angelina went missing. Does EVERYTHING have to play out in front of Madelyn's eyes? Do they not acknowledge that she's aware of something's going on? I think I'm beginning to get a bit harsh here, but it just seems to me rather stupid that they'd execute a search for her friend in Madelyn's presence.

Alright, the next scene is where Ethan's drawing blood. Everything seemed to go along until Angelina woke up. I understand the fact that she's a psychic and whatnot but shouldn't she even be remotely scared that she's woken up in god knows where and having someone draw blood from her? I mean I would well be? Didn't her parents also to never talk to strangers? I mean, Ethan could be some evil guy and she wouldn't know it- shouldn't be at least a bit skeptical about the man's true intentions, even if they ARE good? If she DID happen to read his mind and thoughts and personality, then you have to indicate she felt he was a good enough person to trust, but when she wakes up and automatically trusts him off the bat, it makes your reading rather hard to swallow.

This is how the scene basically unfolded in my perspective.

Hi! I've woken up. Oh you're taking my blood. But you seem like a nice person. Please go ahead and continue whatever you were doing!

Again, I think I'm being a bit harsh here, but just my thoughts.

Last thing to point out:

"That pipe goes straight to the water reservoir," Ethan pointed to one of the large passageways.

Does Ethan hang out in the sewers or something. The transition from warehouse to "escape hatch" was never even explained, so the reader is thrown into some new place without any idea how it looks or how they got there. I'm going to assume it's underground, but it'd be nice if you could mention how they got past the soldiers in the warehouse, entered the "escape hatch" and got to where they are now. A brief description of the surroundings would also be helpful.

Your writing is solid, and the story is good. The only thing that's bogging your writing down is a matter of perspective and character interaction. I don't think you've seriously considered putting yourself in the shoes of Angelina or Ethan, or in the case of the last the scene, the reader as well. When you re-edit a chapter before posting, I'd advise you to just take a look at it from a reader's perspective and see if things make sense to you. Anyways, I'll take a look at the other chapters later.

Shameless plug: If you have the time, could you please take a look at my story, Crimson Chronicles? Thanks.

Another good chapter here. Again, solid writing and dialogue makes it easy to follow.

A few things I noticed here and there:

The Army recruiter - I sort of expected if there was someone from the military trying to recruit her, wouldn't they try and euphemize the cause? Not like join the Army for the war, but something along the lines of serving your country and being patriotic.

"Yeah right," Angelina muttered with a sotto voce. - i think you meant voice. and what does sotto mean?

You use the word suburban a LOT. i always took suburban to be an adjective until told me otherwise. You can also Station wagon so it doesn't make it seem like that's the only word you know to describe a vehicle.

This one sentence - One thing was for sure though; the leader told himself.

You don't need a semi-colon. Just use a comma.

About the jedi-mind trick - that just seemed so, sorry for the lack of a better word, but corny. I think it's just so blatantly copied from the Jedi-Mind trick. My advice: have it tell the waitress in her thoughts and not aloud. She should have that ability after all, right?

In that last scene where that gang drugs Angelina, you could've used the ever so popular line- "Excuse me, miss, does this smell like chloroform to you?" :P

One last thing to note: I don't know if it's just me but my average attention span stops at anything exceeding 20 words. I don't know how much you've written here but I'm pretty sure it exceeds 2k words. Anything over 2k I feel is sometimes a drag to read, even if it is really interesting. My advice: split up the chapter into two or something. I know the flow of the chapter might be disrupted, but you can also get more reviews that way.

Moving on.

I'd like to start off by first asking if you've ever heard or watched the television series, Heroes. I got that vibe when I was reading the story, especially when you went into the details about other potential subjects out there in the rest of the US.

Anyways, putting that aside, I felt that this was an very interesting first chapter. Your writing is crisp and clear, the dialogue is solid, and grammar is flawless. You clearly understand your jargon well and present it in a manner easy enough for the reader to understand.

That said, the only gripes I had reading the chapter was the content and how you presented it. When you label in bold "Fifteen years ago" what does that represent? The start of the Mindshadow Project or the entire chapter that just unfolded?

You used dozens of quick clips and there's nothing wrong with that, but I think you should label the time that has elapsed from one to another. It makes it easier for the reader to follow the series of events.

Second-most, the second paragraph is one giant info dump. While I don't mind data-dumps provided they're timed right, this one is not and almost put me to sleep (well, at least made me not want to read) because data dumps tend to be just boring. All that history can come later. The main focus right now is the test subjects and how they're responding to the treatment.

The last thing I had trouble swallowing was the abilities of Victoria. With a power like that, shouldn't she be capable of just mind-controlling everyone? Is there some sort of mechanism that resists her psychic abilities? Does she have a range as to how far she can communicate? Some of these things are barely answered and just accepted without any clarification. Although it may boggle down the action, it can help to say like how Nichol's team stayed a certain distance from Victoria because of her psychic abilities. It's just some minor details that can be filled in easily- they go a long way.

I've never really been interested into the whole human with superpowers genre (well at least until I saw Heroes), but this story is looking to be rather promising. I'll get to the other chapters tomorrow when I have some more time.

This is brilliant. I bow down in awe of your truly fantastic story. Keep writing :D

Keladry

Damn! I gotta say this re-write is tight. At first I was hesitant about re-reading this title, but you have made some huge improvements on the storyline. Keeping it focused on Angelina and her group as well as expanding her story is going well. And now more of the metahumans and hopefully more of Whisper's story. Keep up the great work

Wow, great stuff. Seriously! Keep writing!

That was amazing!

Love the plot. Interesting story. Can't wait for updates.

good so far but I gotta call it quites for today. keep up the good work

ok another good chapter however if I was a gril wo learned about super powers or bieng abducted I'd have a little different reaction than Angie had. Remember just cause it's fictio doesnt mean the characters can't act real. First she trusted Ethan too quickly and was too calm about finding about her superpowers. I'd tweak it to make her seem more realistic.

good chapter one small thing. in the begining you mentioned how she should have been dating gossiping w. girls etc..implying that she didn't do those things but then later it says she had a date. i would clear that up. other than that good job.

alrighty 1st chapter.

fist off the whole metahumans could be described a bit more because I'm no quite sure what it means other than their some sort of superhumans. Why are there more and more of them? what exactly are they? don't assume we know because we dont.

ok next. i love the story so far, however we don't get to know much about andrew and Vicki. Also you should write their escape in. It'd bring some action to break up all the dialogue etc..

so far I like it just those few minor things that I'd like to see. onto the the next ch.!