This sounds really great so far. I cannot wait to read more, but I'll have to wait until the morning. As for a crotique (SP?) I really can't think of one.

MBD

I don't know... knowing where you're going with this, I'm still iffy about the whole meta-super-villains story. For one thing, unless you plan to bring these characters back, and even then it'd have to be a relatively substantial role, their backgrounds are irrelevant. You've really given the reader no reason to care who these metas are and why they're villains. If they do come back and actually contribute something to the story, save the history for the next appearance. Whisper, for example, could be an interesting character to bring back on her own, but she's just one in a crowd here and her background is unnecessary in this context. Personally, I think you might be better off just having Angelina attend the game herself and lose control and skip the meta-villain sub-plot. Or, at least cut out the whole jewelry heist bit. I like that you're trying to tie them in with the project, but that whole sequence just seems like sidetracking. Besides, without knowing their backgrounds or abilities, you end up surprising the reader as much as Angelina when she faces them, which adds more tension to that confrontation.

great story so far ,please keep up the excellent always cant wait for further geoff

Review time... again...

-"We know you know something Miss Packard," the policeman said.

In a direct address, the person's name should be offset by commas. So... "We know you know something, Miss Packard..."

-"The police presence was almost tangible as they tracked down and interviewed anyone who knew Angelina."

Almost tangible? ALMOST? Seems to me that either your character's being sarcastic, or you should find some better words.

-"she had compelled a passerby to drive her rest of the way to the cabin."

Missing a "the" before "rest of the way".

-"Raintree swore a curse as he read the report sent in from the field agents that evening."

Swore a curse. Sort of redundant.

-"She changed the cotton in that napkin by bumping the carbon atoms up to the next successor in its molecular group; in this case, silicon."

Okay, I have very, very, very, serious issues with this one. Firstly, I know you may think that carbon's the most abundant element in organic molecules like cotton, but I got to tell you, think again. Carbon's just what holds everything together. Below is the chemical composition of cotton.

cellulose 91.00%

water 7.85%

protoplasm, pectins 0.55%

waxes, fatty substances 0.40%

mineral salts 0.20%

Now, cellulose is a chain of carbohydrates, with a basic formula of C6 H10 O5. Notice that there are more hydrogens than carbons. Cellulose makes up the majority of the cotton cell.

Now, water, as you know, is H20. Protoplasm has no "chemical formula", waxes and fatty substances are hydrocarbon chains, which means that there are a lot more hydrogens than carbons, etc.

So, carbon is not the most abundant element in the napkin.

Second, silicon is NOT LIKE RUBBER! I noticed you described it as stiff before, but then your character says it's like rubber? WTF?

Now, before you get to me saying that it's not silicon, it's SILICATE POLYMER, that'll just make it even worse. Did you even do research about what silicate polymer is before writing it up? In the few minutes I spent browsing around for it, I found out a few things. 1.) It is used with other alloys in its formation. 2.) It is a nanocomposite, which means that it is composite, meaning "made up of separate parts or elements". In other words, not just silicon. 3.) Because it is on a nano scale, it actually becomes, transparent. Here's an exact quote. "In addition, because of the length scale involved that minimizes scattering, nanocomposites are usually transparent."

But wait, there's more. Why would you change the elemental composition to silicon? Sure it is next in the carbon family, but... wait a minute... carbon has 6 protons, silicon has 14. Now, since the number of protons is what determines elemental composition, are you saying that she just suddenly grabbed 8 protons out of nowhere? And what happened to nitrogen, atomic number 7?

Okay, okay, let's say that's what happened to all those other hydrogens in that napkin. Oh yeah, and new electrons came from all those other things, too. But wait, now are you telling me, that in a random, uncontrolled outburst, Angie miraculously manages to create a uniform, orderly molecule... almost ALL of silicon? Polymers are very precise molecules, I can't see anyone just pulling that out of nowhere even with expert knowledge AND super-telekinetic powers.

Now, there's also that question about how she actually does manipulate the sub-atomic particles. Let's just say she can... somehow. There's another problem. In order to separate protons from other protons, or add more protons to existing atoms (nuclear fusion anyone?), you need huge amounts of energy. As we all should know, energy just doesn't come out of nowhere. What, does she have the ability to convert matter into energy now? Is that how she gets the energy to wreck all those changes in the atom? Okay, fine. But even with that, we now have to acknowledge that in the second stage, a lot of energy's going to be released. Where does this energy go? Oh, back into recreating those particles you got rid of before? Okay, okay, it may work.

But back to your explanation. Altering sub-atomic bonds and valence electrons. Okay, the sub-atomic bonds I can live with, but altering valence electrons? What? How does that happen? You can't just drag an electron out of an energy level and say that it's another valance electron all of a sudden! What happened to the Aufbau principle? Hund's Rule? The only way I can see right now for her to achieve what you are describing is just to rip another electron off another atom and give it to your atom, or rip an atom off yours. Where's the energy needed for that? Atoms are pretty greedy people, they usually like their electrons how they are and don't appreciate getting new ones or getting their electrons stolen away. And what would manipulating the electrons even really do for you? Whoo hoo! I made an ion! Now I'm a human lightning rod!

Now don't get me wrong. I wouldn't do so much on the spot research if I didn't like your story. In fact, what you described is somewhat close to an idea of my own. However, as far as I know, mine doesn't destroy as many laws of physics and realism. I know... I know... it's sci-fi, but shouldn't it at least make some sort of sense scientifically? Okay, maybe particle physicists aren't really high on your list of potential readers, but I'd at least try to keep some accuracy in it.

Okay, and I'm not done yet. I have to say that your government agents are hopelessly inept. And their efforts make no sense. Even if they got Angie to come to them, what can they do with her? No way she's going to do anything for them after all they've done. They seem pretty naive to hold on to the thought that maybe, just maybe she'll have a complete change of heart when they finally explain the project to her and cooperate completely, completely forgetting everything they've done to her.

And what happened to technology? Does all of a sudden, the government have to revert back to 20th century forms of tracking? What about bugging or putting a tracking device on their subjects. What? That's against the law? From what I've read, your government agents don't really care much about the law. Where can they put the tracking devices? In their clothes? No. Clothes are easily changed. A purse? Maybe. A wallet? Perhaps. On the body itself? There we go...Our tax dollars at work. Who knows? Maybe the military has nanobugs already.

And shouldn't they have suspected something when a camera went out? They've devoted a lot of time and attention to this, why don't they actually spend more time and get it right?

I'm sorry if I sounded a bit rantish back there. Those were just my thoughts, to be honest. I don't want them to be too discouraging, but I think some of your explanation needs a revamp.

ahem...i forgot to point my point in the first one...it is not possible for us to take insulin in a pill form because the stomach acid would break it down before it even had a chance to try to enter our blood stream

how far in the furture is this set? if this is supposed to be present day then you are seriously mistaken about a girl that age having diabetes...type 1 diabetics- i.e juvenile diabetes- take insulin shots ...our bodies stop producing insulin entirely and we are totally dependent on the insulin shots for our survival...pills are for type 2's...type 2 is usally onset as an adult ..pills are supposed to help type 2's use the insulin their bodies produce properly...in any story if u use a disease make sure you do thorough research... i am myself am a type 1 and i find it...interesting to say the least, how you would use diabetes as a coverr for something else...i like the story though...please continue

Just a couple of notes this time:

-"Angelina huddled in the back of a sedan as it slowly pulled into the subdivision."

You used the word subdivision not too long ago in the previous paragraph. It just sounds, awkward being used again so soon.

-"Michael looked skeptical, then amused. He looked up, and then looked back at Angelina. "OK, shoot.""

Look, look, look, look, look. You use look three times in the above, and a fourth time in the sentence directly preceding these two.

-"The configurations are determined by the quantum mechanics of electrons in the electric potential of the atoms."

I noticed you just copied this section nearly word for word out of a wiki... :p

-It's become much more interesting, although I still have trouble maintaining my suspension of disbelief. That may just be due to my difficulty in accepting the way your government works.

Even with incredible decadence, using a person as an experiment without his/her consent is unconstitutional and immoral. I don't know what president would clear this project of yours to go on. For one, if ever exposed, it would be the scandal of the century. Second, the President is sworn to protect the constitution. Even if using a person as an experiment may seem feasible, it would be counter to many of the beliefs that the U.S. was built on.

Sure, maybe the government's gone to hell, but I can't really see it getting that bad, at least anytime in the near future. The way you portray Raintree and the rest of the Project makes them look devoid of emotions and/or basic moralities. I'm sure whoever planned the project in the first place must have realized that there would be a flaw with their program if certain test subjects no longer decided to cooperate... *cough* *cough* Angelina *cough*.

Well, enough of that... until next time.

Okay... here's the review!

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"Ethan Taylor watched with mixed motions as the men loaded and carried the young girl onto the waiting gurney."

Typo? Do you mean "emotions" instead of "motions"?

-

"But calling the cops though was a new one, even for the Clancys and she didn't know how to react."

You use two words that serve the same purpose, "but" and "though". The sentence feels clunky to me as a result.

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"Ethan Taylor tried his best to keep his attention on his test procedures, with his eyes occasionally being drawn almost irresistibly towards his bound and blindfolded test subject. He had done this several times to a variety of test subjects but they usually weren't this photogenic. Most of his previous test subjects, sadly, were emaciated or suffering from a variety of drug-related health issues."

Here, you seem to use the phrase "test subjects" too often. Three times, three sentences. Maybe start looking for an alternative?

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"For one, it wasn't comfortable to dwell on them as human beings and two he had more important concerns."

Okay, seems to me you're using parallel structure here, but you don't make that very clear. If I were writing the sentence, I would put commas after "beings" and after "two".

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"What was already growing concerns escalated quickly into all out fear."

Subject verb disagreement. "Was" is a singular verb and "Concerns" is plural.

-

It seems to me that Angelina is either really dumb (in the way that she has no common sense and can't put two and two together), or that she's just really ignorant. I'm sure some 14-year-old kid would have realized that something was up with her by now. Especially after she's been shot at by soldiers and somehow stopped bullets/darts/whatever else there is out there.

Second, how would Ethan know how much of a dosage of the psychotropic compounds would be enough to kill a person if he hasn't heard much about them. How can he assume that the pills are 1.) pure, and 2.) if the compounds are lethal at certain concentrations. Surely a "professional" like him wouldn't make that mistake.

Okay, third, I'm just wondering, did you just string together a bunch of random chemistry words and numbers to form the chemical breakdowns? Also, why would secret government compounds be found in the medical database?

You did a good job on developing suspense and the plot, and, aside from a few minor problems, the story seems to be developing well. I liked the seven-eleven reference, although I have doubts about the government being able to use it as a base since it is a Taiwanese company. I'm not sure completely about how that would affect it, if at all, but I'm pretty sure the U.S. government wouldn't want to risk entanglement with foreign nations. Just a random thought.

The plot is interesting, but I'm starting to wonder about how the heck Angelina's still so ignorant. There's also the issue of her becoming uber-powerful, which her psychic powers seem to make her.

Anyways, good chapter. I'll probably read the next one later. :).

Your evil dude is a bloody loon. Evil evil evil man. I'm officially hooked on this.

Please let some of the good guys stay around like a parent or ethan. This is getting depressing all the running and dying.

hi there ,top story there & i cant wait for further chapters.a thoroughly good read & very entertaining,i started reading & the story grabs you & you cant stop till storys end,congrats once again. 1 last thing,if this was at all possible the said governments would in my opinion do exactly what they did in the story...regards geoff

Gruber - hehe (either 24 or Die Hard)

Hehe Gruber like all Grubers sounds evil.

Curious good pair Andy and Vicky fun.

One thing - you really should note the time lapse.

I say one thing. You government is a mob of bastards. Gr. I'm liking.

Hm, getting more interesting. And as always, here are my notes:

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"One of the school administrators walked up and tapped Angelina on the shoulder. "Would you please come with us?""

Okay, why does this guy refer to himself in 1st plural? It's almost like the old kings and queens and Roman people, saying stuff like "We, Elizabeth, Queen of...".

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""Yeah mom,""

I think there's a rule somewhere where it says that if you are using a title such as "mom" or "dad" in a direct address, you capitalize it. If that's true, the same goes for "My mom doesn't want me to, but dad's pushing me to get a college scholarship."

-

You don't really need to have stuff like "John insisted" and "Angelina demanded" after every piece of dialogue. If the dialogue is good enough, you won't need to come out and say the tone in which they are said, the words being spoken should imply that on their own.

In other words, leaving out the speaker tag, or just using "said" should be good enough most of the time. "Said" turns out to be almost like "the", just about invisible. To me, your conversation between Angelina and her "parents" is just loaded with unnecessary speaker tags.

-

I'm sure the government could have done a better job with the "agents". They seem horribly inept and fake. I'm sure I could have hired better agents than the two they provide.

-

Okay, about Angelina climbing out the window, what about the broken glass in the room? You said the windows shattered, I'm sure there would be plenty of DANGEROUS broken glass around the window area.

-

Also, why is she out on the town? I thought she was grounded. That either shows that she doesn't care much for obeying her parents, which is highly likely, but you don't mention that at all in her thought processes, so it just seems like an author lapse instead of something purposeful.

-

That concludes the specific stuff, now to the more general, overall thingies. More positive things this time.

The characterization seems pretty realistic, and I like the irony which you present concerning Angelina and the medication. For such a short time, I'm actually starting to get a feel for each of the major characters.

I liked how Angelina is just completely clueless and thinks that her "psychonic abilities" (or whatever you call them) are just her having mental/psychological problems.

I also liked the conversation between the "gang members", although I couldn't help wondering why the government would bother using them. If they were going to illegally "bring in" Angelina, why didn't they just do it with some more trustworthy and professional people? The choice of a gang seems very inappropriate, as I'm sure the government would have some analysts weigh out the pros and cons first.

This is just a quickie list, but I can see their thought processes going like this.

Using a gang to kidnap subject:

Pros:

1.) doesn't look like it is connected to government

2.) cheap

3.) objective is accomplished

4.) gang does not know anything about Project Mindshadow and therefore cannot unwillingly divulge information (mind reading)

Cons:

1.) gang can be easily bribed to reveal information

2.) may bungle job

3.) are not completely trustworthy around females

4.) gang may end up accidentally exposing details of job afterwards in casual conversation

Although there are plenty of pros, some of the cons are very bad cons. I'm sure the government's priority is to get their job done, and secretly. They will want to leave no traces behind. Unfortunately, this gang seems to be pretty loose and easily bribed to divulge "sensitive" information. That could potentially result in huge public outrage if anyone ever catches wind of it. Public relations disaster nono.

Anyways, that's my take on this chapter. Things are getting interesting. Expect a review of the next chapter within a few days, if not, don't fear, I'm just probably a bit busy and will get to it eventually.

Whew, finished reading through the chapter. Now, I have a few comments to make:

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"The results looked promising; half the test subjects were showing signs of mental activity, which denoted potential for telepathic activity."

You use "activity" twice, feels clunky to me.

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"Andrew McGee made his way to the lunch table carrying his usual tray of food. The food service here was adequate but bland. He really didn't have much choice on food selection and right now, he would pay real money for a decent bowl of chocolate pudding."

You use "food" like three times in three sentences. It feels overused.

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"We've managed to develop a number of psychotropic drugs that have proven affects on suppressing or enhancing psionic potential.

Okay, "affects" should be "effects". Affect is the verb, effect is the noun. Just an easy thing to remember so you'll never mess that up.

-

-About the snipers, what's wrong with using tranquilizer darts? Or just "gas" the place beforehand as they're trying to pick up the child? Or, you could have even told the snipers to aim at non-lethal locations, like the extremities. To me, what happened just sounds like a cheap excuse to just kill off the parents.

I can see the lame argument about "psychonic powers" and inability to knock "x" subjects out due to them, but even if that is the case, I would at least mention that so that it doesn't just seem as if you wish to kill of the parents to set everything up for the rest of the story.

-In addition, why isn't Nichols gassed out? If I read correctly, he's in the "area" too...

-In the final scenes, why aren't the two of them (Victoria and Andrew) communicating telepathically? They did it before, and I don't see why they can't do it now. It eliminates any possibility of the government listening in on them (which is very highly likely considering what the government is capable of).

-You have very sudden jerks in time. Since you have a "time marker" in the beginning (Fifteen years ago), maybe you should indicate how much time has passed in between sections in a similar manner. Like "Two weeks later" or something like that. I had trouble following it slightly because I would be reading and be like "what the heck? Did I miss something?".

-Also, I feel as though the narrative is too detached. I don't feel very caught up in the action. It just seems to impassive. Maybe try fleshing up the character feelings (ex. Andrew's).

-To me, this sounds like a "set-up" chapter to prepare the background of the actual story, like a prologue. It's an interesting beginning, and I feel like I know a decent amount of info about your world now, which is good. Just one problem with this is the short "infodump"-like section at the very beginning, about the facility and whatnot.

Anyhow, you succeeded in attracting my attention (well, at least some of it as it's very hard to get my full, undivided attention) and I'll be reading more of it when I have more time.

A decent first chapter. I can't say it's phenomenal, but it isn't bad either.

so all those drugs and that would kill a normal person but they wont kill angelina? Why? *shrugs* once i finish reading i'll know... *evil eyes* tell me secretly... mUAHAHHA! anyway. another nice chapter! bit confusing here and there. i'm not smart so yeah. BIG WORDZ. i still liked it though! (grins) i'll read the rest when i get the chance! but now... i'm tiireedd...

~lu