I have been putting off this review for quite sometime now. Its not that I think your story is going to be bad or anything but I obviously know you have heard this before. your chapters are so Daunting. I would hate to have to stop in the middle. I suppose on this site we all have become rather spoiled. For the most part 2500 words and up is considered long. If I had to venture a guess I would presume this chapter is at least 4500 words. If I may suggest breaking future chapters down into a part A part B format. This assists for the purposes of reviews. I dedicate a large amount of care when I review. (at least I try). It's difficult for me to dedicate a full hour to your story as I would dedicate aprox a half hour to a 2500 word story. Anyway on to the review.

~Rant End~

~Review Begin~

Ok no problems so Far.

"McGee looked surprised to hear his name being called and walked over to the young woman who called him."

this sentence is awkward for various reasons. I just cant articulate it. But it sticks out from the rest of the quality so far.

""How'd you know my name?" McGee asked with a surprised look."

try to avoid using the same adjectives within chapters. Also certain nouns for example. Church,Church,Church v. Church, Steeple,Holy place.

So a better thing is to say McGee asked quizzically or something else. As repeated words distract the reader and draw them out of the story. Kinda reminds them that it is just a book.

I enjoy the little descriptions between dialog. its very well done.

Be careful of the alternating perspectives. It is a very cool device when used correctly. It just can be rather jarring when reading about a group or person then shifting. You limit the ability for the reader to grow attached to any particular character. or even really get a feel for any characters for that matter.

"The classroom 'bell' switch 'mercifully' rang a short time later"

If you switch those two words around that sentence would flow better.

"In the school cafeteria, Angelina sat alone with her thought(s)..."

Within that same paragraph the part that describs her hearing voices. the sentences are a bit awkward and ambiguous. simply meaning that it is unclear as to weather or not she is hearing voices in her head or hearing the the thoughts of other people. I assume the latter. But like I said its rather unclear.

"Just then, one of the school administrators"

I dont know if Just then is needed. it kind of feels out of place in the voice of the narration you are using.

"coldly replied." another switch would help for flows sake. Its not wrong I suppose. It just reads weird. "replied coldly" sounds better.

any of these little blurbs you can locate with ctrl F im sure you knew that but I had someone ask me before to help them find a error I denoted. just covering my bases.

"Led into the principal's office, she was escorted to one of the offices and left alone." Office and office are too close together. use I dont know workplace. Plus that really doesnt make sense. What is the principals office a complex of offices? cause if thats the case Administrative complex would make more sense.

Since the narration seems to be third person limited. simply saying that the narration seems to be limited to a single character. your breaking a rule of the style by telling us what the man said when the girl angeila leaves the room. its not like a horrible transgression it actually doesnt seem to be out of place. It just can lead to confusion as far as perspective. or maybe this is third person Omnipresent. Im not sure now.

man this chapter has to be like 5500 word long. im taking a break.

ok im back

"They always got stronger as the drugs wore off and lately; 'the drugs 'effectiveness had been getting less and less'."

you have reiterated this point numerous times. Give the reader a bit of credit and assume they understand she has been taking more pills lately.

Again the scene shifts lend to a very strange reading conception of time. In the first scene with Andy. I think the lunch room was full. So that was when they just met. I havent read this segment with Angela. but I have no idea how much time has passed.

looking back over the segments I can see that theres a slow progression in time from the children being tested to Andy's meeting to Angela in school back to andy. ect. but it is just jarring as a reader. Some times as an author we just get the time table. But you need to take into account that the reader is slowly learning about your world.

Really the Just thens are not needed. It is less surprising then just saying what happened.

The narration shift from Andrew to the commander and soilder. is not denoted.

began to bleed from their noses and ears.

Descriptions of how blood oozes would add to the dramatic nature of this scene.

as far as the action. It was a tad unclear. I could kinda picture it but not fully. The actual set up was really cool tho. I liked how things didnt go exactly as planned but the project people had a plan B

hmm so its been a few years that would make Angelina like two or three. why wasnt see talking. you should have her say something. at least. like mommy or daddy. I work with three year olds as a mentor if they saw their parents die they would question whats wrong then when they saw blood they would probably cry. but by three a child really doesnt have a through concept of death. Still my point is the little girl should have spoken a word or two just to add to realism.

All the dialoge in the aftermath segment felt very authentic except this

"Gruber thought it over. "Probably. She would have to take the drugs every day and we would have to monitor her blood chemistry to keep the psychotropics at the proper levels. The agents you assign to be her foster parents are going to have to be able to sell her on staying on the drugs no matter what. Their lives and the future of the Project could very well depend on it."

that felt like an Info dump and totally not what a scientist would say off the cuff.

Ok. either your continuum is a tad off or you need to explain how Angee's memory was erased. a two and a half year old girl is going to remember her parents dying and being up rooted. Hell the bahammas was worried about taking anna nicoles baby from howard K stern and she is only 7 months.

again the talking in this story is very well done for the most part. I really feel like this is what 14yo people say.

another replied coldly. switch please between the bouncer segment

"The bouncer looked at Angelina with a condescending smirk, and then stopped. Something about her voice, her eyes seemed to grip his mind. Without realizing what was happening, he felt his will drain completely away."

again this should be written from Angelina's perspective. since these stories seem to be perspective driven.

was that entire show of force necessary? its a little irresponsible dont you think? speaking to the force shown to Mag.

How does ethan know about psycics. are they common place?

Ok finally done. WOw that was so long.

Ange's intital non fear of ethan. at first made me weary but I guess she could sense his lack of killer intent.

Suggestion. the entirety of this chapter should be split into the separate threads that they exist as. I cant really think of a reason why not tell the first story of origin first. then moving on to the story of angie. This is really like two chapters wrapped into one. the breaks and segments had my head spinning. you even could split this into three or maybe four chapters. anyway The actual story is pretty cool. Kinda Akira'ish. Cant wait till she inevitably flips out with all out force. im going to go take a nap now... wow.

~MaDMaS~

~Good Night~

nice chapter again! and another exxttrreemmllyy long one at that! lol. Angie is cool. Puppets... wonderful word and i like how she can do all that stuff! like shaping things into other things umm what's it called...? Molecular...something...ugh. i'm waay too tired to check lol. you must be very smart. with all those atoms, molecules, silicon...

... so many big words! _ nice chapter though... i need to look up half the stuff but i do understand (i think) that she can change the way things are by rearanging how they are made... or something like that. _

Angie does seem... what say... too good to be true? beautiful, powerful and everyone wants a piece of her. hm, oh well. i kind of agree with Kerin's review how Angie is slightly Mary-Sue-ish. Oh well. It's still a good story and a wonder to read! :3

~!lu!~

HellO!

Wow you sure do write... ALOT! it took me a while to read all of it! may i suggest that you break it down into smaller chapters so it is easier to read lol...

now my head hurts from all this mind-boggling information and wonderfully-written plot... though you introduced like... 5 different scenes in 1 chapter... ugh...

now lets see...

"rear vie mirror" - rear view?

"Her parents are reporting her missing" - her parents have reported her missing? if the are reporting her missing as in 'right NOW' then how would the officer dude know about it?

okay that's all that i could see but then again it is 1: something something in the morning so yeah.

I saw ALOT of big words here lol (yes i am very intelligent...cough cough) it seems that you have a very wide vocabulary lol. Nice things going on here. Angelina seems very cool... but i didnt want victoria to die TT_TT

nice chapter! please break it down though! My head hurts... lol

~lu

Again, I'm going to stress setting up your world appropriately right from the beginning. You can get away with introducing new elements in the setting only so much; at some point, it just becomes awkward. Earlier it was the idea of metahumans and superheroes being commonplace, this chapter had more than its share of abnormalities based on what you've established so far. Aliens are way off the map, and nanites and giant robots are a bit far-fetched as well. I'm kind of willing to forgive the time travel, but at this point, it just seems sidetracking. You have too much going on in this story, little of it really seems to have much impact, despite how important you try to make it out to be. What exactly are you trying to do or say with this story? Focus on just a few major things in regards to that; having Angelina's struggle to control her own abilities and the project's attempts to retrieve her jumbled up with stories of time travel, alien symbiotes, superheroes, and everything else just kind of muddies everything up. Make a series of stories if you must, but trying to cram all that into one just isn't working so well this far.

Also, the opening scene of this chapter was clumsy. I found Jon Moore's actions and dialogue a bit dubious for what he's trying to do and he generally went about it all wrong.

Personally, I liked the story better the way it was in the beginning, before you even fixed the second chapter. The setting and events were real enough to be emotional while still being fantastic. Now, I have to suspend so much belief just to take in the story that it ceases being dramatic at all. You've put the characters into a totally different world that I can't relate to anymore, and as a result, I don't feel much for the characters, either. It might still work as it is if you tone down the super-advanced technology and aliens and time travel and such or, again, establish this kind of thing right from the beginning.

The single-chapter stories are starting to bother me a little. It's like a TV show, presenting the audience with another new, entirely unrelated dilemma and wrap it up within the context of each chapter. You do have the continuity of Angelina's story, which is interesting enough, but the random single-chapter plotlines don't hold my interest so well. Also, I have to say that the little epilogue at the Dresden reactor was way too cliche. I'm still very much enjoying the development of Angelina's story, however.

I'm having trouble with your heroine - she's rather revoltingly mary-sue and I just can't bring myself to like her.

Also: If I had a dollar for every story with a 14-year-old "stunningly beautiful" girl with mental problems, I'd be slowly dying under the crushing weight of my wealth. Dollars in bill form. Do you want to write an interesting story, or do you want to write about fourteen year olds for pedophiles to jerk off to?

I also feel like your writing ability isn't quite up to what you're trying to do. Your technology descriptions (& the descriptions of the experiments) feel clunky, and you tend to re-use words too often in a paragraph. I'm assuming that you're posting this as you go along; it's going to be hard to crank out 80k words in 30 days and maintain a degree of quality.

Intriguing developments in this chapter. A lot of what you're writing seems very familiar; as if it's a common story, and maybe it is, but I've never read anything quite like it. It's as if this story has been waiting to be written and you're just the first one to put it into words. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

It is getting easier to get into the story as it is now, now that I've read the complete second chapter, but some more emphasis in the first that there are free metahumans living in the world and not just in the project would help ease new readers into that. I must say, I really enjoy all the technical details you put into this story. It really helps give it a realistic feel, as do the character interactions. Also, remember, italicized thoughts should be written like dialogue, in present tense. Those things aside, I'm still greatly enjoying this story. I'll be on the lookout for the next chapter.

You need more of a transition between the events of the last chapter and the events of this chapter. This chapter is going in an entirely different direction than the previous and you need to ease into that. Honestly, I liked the direction the first two chapters took better than this one, but it could work if you made the transition a little less jarring. It was well written enough, it's just that the plot seemed to suddenly change and it's hard to accept that when you've already established certain things prior to this. Also, remember to keep your dialogue and thoughts in present tense. There were a lot of thoughts written in past tense here.

Good chapter, but make sure you don't make Angelina too powerful. It may eventually get to the point where she's so powerful it becomes boring to read. Aside from that, keep up the good work.

Wow this is really getting interesting. Your support characters are just awesome and the heroine is actually a heroine! The vampireness of her powers was a very neat twist. I also have to say giving us sympathetic villains like Whisper is just so cool. Keep up the awesome work!

Very much like Fire Starter. Which I'm sure you intended, if not, all the references are just creepy.

Anyway, I was actually expecting something bad when I read this, there are so many bad "normal girl finds out she has super powers" stories on FP. But I was pleasently surprised, it was written well and managed to hold my interest.

The only suggestion I would make is to make it clearer that you are having a flashback, with maybe italics or something. It was sometimes a little confusing when you would switch from the present to the past. I didn't exactly do a close read, but that's the only problem I really found.

I put this on alert, so can't wait for the next chapter!

I'm really loving this story. The plot is fascinating and the characters are captured very well. The story is unfolding very smoothly and I just can't predict what's going to happen next. Great read. I'll be looking out for more of this.

Fascinating story. The summary to this story caught me and I enjoyed every moment of this. I really liked the switch between past and present in the beginning and the flow of the story. I'd like to hear some more of Angelina's thoughts while she's with Ethan; while under the circumstances, I could venture to understand that she might be willing to trust him, but it's still a stretch, and I'm wondering why she's going along with him precisely. Really nice beginning.