|Reviews for Flameheart|
| Ulquiorra9000 chapter 1 . 6/16/2015
I think that snowy terrain is a bit underused in fiction. I love the visuals of winter and autumn, so it's nice to have a snowy forest and a frozen lake here. Even better that Maia used the frozen lake to her advantage. Heavy armor will definitely work against you in cold water!
Looks like you've got a sprawling world set up, and it's great that the different nations and races dislike each other for various reasons. That's ripe ground for conflict of all kinds! And how funny that Maia's being teased about the Prince. Maybe they really will end up together! And that could cause huge ripples in the world's politics!
I like your action and visuals, but the writing is weighed down by WAY too many adverbs and other kinds of clutter. I see many sentences with two or more adverbs, and one sentence with three of them. I've studied writing techniques for a while now, and every guide I've read advised against adverbs. If you use them, then that means that the rest of your prose didn't do a good enough job illustrating what's happening. Especially for speech tags. Body language, context, and the actual dialogue should give me all the info I need. Using an adverb usually means that those other elements fell short. Often, the visuals I get from your adverbs aren't even needed in some other form, either. Like when Maia turns around quickly. How about just whirled around? And when she stepped heavily on a twig, I'd just take out "heavily."
Also, there's too much background and world settings in the middle third for my taste. Can't I learn about all that later, in bits and pieces when each part of the world is more relevant to the context? For now, I want to know about is Maia, her Daim friend, and where they're going. All that other stuff ought to be more spread out. Having all that background info now takes away from focusing on Maia. It's the first chapter, and in early chapters, characters always come first. At least, that's what I've been taught.
Still, I'll try out a few more chapters and see where things go from here.
| Sophia Alexandra chapter 1 . 6/25/2011
this is really good. please check out my story too, paranormal agency on here and let me know what you think. thanks!
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 26 . 6/10/2011
There is absolutely nothing you could have done to improve this chapter. It was perfect, as are your other chapters. Your character development, your plot, your writing, your style, everything is just so perfect it's leagues beyond most of the amateur stuff I've seen around here and even better than some published novels out there *cough Twilight cough Eragon cough*. You have a gift for writing, my friend, and it is a pity you have not started a career in writing but instead chose to stick with your current job. Nevertheless, if that is your decision I will support you. It is your life and your choice and you should make it yourself, and not let it be dictated by anyone else.
Still, this chapter is amazing. Can I suggest you leave some sort of breaks between scene changes/transitions? It feels abrupt and confusing sometimes when you suddenly switch from Yiazmat to Caine to Yiazmat to Maia to Elyanna to Yiazmat again. It's like..."huh? Wait, what? Did the character just change?" So I would appreciate it if you could make the transitions smoother by including breaks or even an astrophe * between paragraphs.
Maia has really grown a lot, hasn't she? I do hope the dudes get their vengeance. I support Maia's choice - vengeance is infinitely more important than survival. There's no use fighting for survival if you let your tormentor live to torment you again sometime in the future.
Oh yeah, and before I forget, you quoted Hellgate: London, didn't you? "Remember the dead, but fight for the living." Come on, man, you can't hide it from me. I used to watch those beautiful and awesome Hellgate: London cinematics before the game was released.
And why didn't you tell me you updated the story? I've been badgering you for an update for so long and when you finally post a chapter you didn't tell me! TT_TT WHY? You know how much I love your story. Heh. But in any case it was excellent to see you returning to Fictionpress after such a long time. Missed you, man, and really missed Flameheart. Will be looking forward to the next chapter. :D
| xofallenangelxx chapter 25 . 4/3/2011
Awesome! Update soon!
| LwyllasTG chapter 25 . 12/22/2010
A very good story, it has a feel of a real book!
I love it!
| bookworm's evil twin chapter 25 . 12/5/2010
when are you updating?
| Tawny Owl chapter 25 . 9/20/2010
Hey, remember me? Sorry it’s taken so long, and it’s been so long since I read this I may forget what has just happened, so bear with me…
Lucifer may have had issued those words with a deceptively mild tone, - this is just an idea, but maybe cut the ‘may have’ in this sentence. It’ll make it punchier and won’t dilute the tension of the scene.
How’s the phoenix lashed apart? Given it’s magical nature does it just evaporate? Or does it make more physical impacts?
You have a tendency to call Lucifer the silver haired daemon too. I don’t object occasionally as a means to stop Lucifer getting to repetitive, but I wouldn’t rely on it as a primary description. Just use his name. Sorry, that’s one of my peeves at the moment. In fact, the longer I’m on this site the more I get. I think I’m taking myself too seriously.
he muttered sinister words beneath his breath. – what makes them sinister? That Maia knows what they mean? Or how they affect the magic? Or the fact that she doesn’t recognise the language?
Yay! Go Maia. I’ve missed you.
Woah! Have they just knocked down the prison. The whipping wind in Maia’s hair makes me think they are just standing on the exposed foundations. Either that or there’s a whacking great hole in the side.
Oh, Ares! As much as I’m curious about your inner thought processes you are in the middle of a battle. Concentrate! I think it’s important to give us clues about what he’s thinking, and the bit about Maia seeing him how he truly was was lovely, but an entire conversation felt odd given the urgency of the fight just witnessed by Maia.
The explanationof keeping Hellborne in check and then handing over to him was good. I wonder if he can get control back though? Or whether he cares given that he thinks this is the end?
And you’ve been hinting at a change in perspective for a while, and this was a brilliant place to hand over from Maia to Ares just because it was so charged, and it did really feel like an important arc in the plot given Ares’ acceptance of his inner daemon. Very exciting time to switch.
| TG chapter 25 . 8/29/2010
Now, when I have read the whole story, I say that this is brilliant. One of the best. It has the feel of a real story. Very good , you have me hooked. Keep it up.
| TG chapter 17 . 8/28/2010
I see that you have based off your prison on Alcatraz. Why is every Fantasy prison based off of Alcaraz *coughAzkabancough*
And I see that you have made Caine into a shape-shifting werewolf...and pulled it off nicely. :)
| TG chapter 12 . 8/28/2010
That comic relief was definitely needed (and well-placed), unlike other authors, who stuff it into every paragraph.
Otherwise, good story, keep it up. *thumbsup*
| Amanda chapter 25 . 8/26/2010
Very well written over all. Never mind about the rewrite mess up. Great story line. Please keep it up.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 25 . 8/24/2010
No problem. I love your story so much I couldn't stop reading it, so I actually begged you for the chapter for my own sake rather than remind you for others. :P
Anyway, this was a cool chapter. I enjoyed this chapter tremendously. I always knew it was so seductive to embrace the dark side. And this is plain awesome. Ares and his new powers are really out of this world.
Sorry about the late review - school has started for me. Plus Starcraft 2 is also taking up a bit of my time, so I could only log into Fictionpress today. And it was worth every second of my time. Your story is the best.
Well, I'll wait for your next chapter! :D
| King of Kings chapter 25 . 8/18/2010
So he surrendered, huh? I'm sure this means nothing good for Lucifer, but I wonder what exactly it means for Ares. Will he be lost after this, or will his own consciousness ultimately prevail over that of Hellborne?
The battle scenes were epic as usual, but a little hard to follow. It's extraordinarily difficult to describe such things, though, so no fault there. I particularly loved the image of Hellborne with the phoenix on his shoulder. Awesome. ;)
| naito-kun chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
'mental image implied by those fell cries' erm, i don't get what you mean here.
'began to reminiscence of the events' somehow i feel that using about instead of to here would sound better.
ahh the scene between maia and tidar is just so cute. i love the way you ended the chapter. beautiful and heartbreaking.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 24 . 6/25/2010
Request something? Really? Can I request something from you? Thanks!
How about the next chapter, then?
Nah, I don't think the fight with Lucifer was a tad short. It felt amazing to me, and we were given such an impressive introduction of Elyanna's abilities. It's cool, really.
Don't kow about the Kaiser Phoenix, though. I didn't read the Dragon Quest manga so I didn't see it. But it sounds epic.
And ha ha ha ha! You're right. Too many chapters end with Maia blacking out. Great thinking, to discard that thought. Good work, man.
I really, really, REALLY look forward to your next chapter. Nonetheless, I understand you are extremely busy with work so I won't push you for it. I'll just wait for it patiently. But please let me know when you update. I check once in a while, and was surprised to see that you finally updated it. You know I'll definitely read your story.
Well, till then!