|Reviews for Flameheart
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 2 . 4/1/2007
Okay, basically, I don't have a major issue about this chapter except that one of the demon's speech wasn't interpreted compared the others. Apart from that, not much of a problem. Also, good fighting scenes from your side. Playing FF does have it's help in writing, huh? And yeah, glad to see Caine appear again although I would prefer his name be "Cain" without the "e". Since you're a Christian, I believe that you knew the significance of this name I've came up with lol! XD Anyway, I will like to see what you can do with Caine's character since you did put in some interesting areas in this chapter. Also, is Ares going to be renamed Deathscrye for his last name? Just asking this... and yeah, just wondering who will be the no.1 main charcter here. i.e. the character who gets the main focus in this story...
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 1 . 3/7/2007
It's one hell of a story, dude. One hell of a story. I was terrified at the prospect of reading a rewritten story, but was pleasantly surprised to see that you've changed the setting and plot. Phew...I hate rewritten works that merely regurgitate the entire story, albeit their better language and more fluency...but thankfully you didn't fall into the trap and developed a new storyline instead, which is beneficial for both old and new readers alike. Thanks! I would love to read more, so looking forward to your updates!
| Greatheart chapter 1 . 2/26/2007
Pretty good, action-packed beginning. Try to avoid making your language too flowery. It can help to set the tone of the story, but too much of it in the narration and the dialogue, and it starts to sound unnatural and forced. "Terrible they are."-kinda Yoda-like, no? :)
Watch word usage, too. For example, I think that the word "enlightening" in the conversation between Maia and her escort might be better as "enlightenment." Also, I'm not sure that the word "irrevocable" works there.
Sometimes giving too much background information at one time can get a little confusing or overwhelming. It may be better to spread some of it out over a few chapters.
Make sure that you proofread to catch things like typos or awkward sentence structure. I find myself that reading out loud helps to catch a lot of mistakes.
I'm not sure if this was on purpose or not, but by the end of this chapter, I still wasn't certain that the woman from the beginning was Maia, I had to go back and re-read it. You might want to make that clearer.
Overall, I like the story. It seems like you know where you're going with it and have a lot of the background info worked out already (way more than I ever get done). These things are all just my suggestions, you may agree with me-or not. It's your story, so it's up to you. Keep it up!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 2/25/2007
Well, glad to see that you've started anew, and I can see that the plot change here... anyway, I'll have to say that although in an overall sense, this chapter is better than that of the previous one, one issue I have with this story is that you didn't say anything about what excatly happen to Maia's escorts. They were supposedly dead, but their presence in the chapter just got abruptly cut off immediately after the flashback without anything said about them. True they maybe unimportant characters, but you should at least give the reader an idea on what exactly happen, not killing them off in a vanishing-act-like manner. This is the only area I'm having problems with since it sort of screwed the flow of the chapter. but apart from that, I can say you did a better job than your previous version. Just three questions here:
1. Are you planning Maia to be the main character in an overall sense or are you going along the path of my story Elven Chronicles in this area?
2. Ok, this is basically my own preference for rangers, but will you add in a ranger as part of the main cast in the future like what you've planned for Crimson before it got canned?
3. Ok, this is the same as the question just now in nature and that is the issue of a revamped Caine. Will you introduce any elements of a wolf in him in any aspect be it practical or symbolic wise? Have to ask this since I'm a sucker for wolves. On a sidenote, IMO, if a shapeshifting druid can't turn into a wolf, he's crap. Sorry if this view of mine offends you, but I'm a total sucker for wolves and it seems that this view is upheld by a vast majority of fantasy fans from a certain thread I've made in a fantasy forum quite a few months back.
| CoffeexXxBlood chapter 1 . 2/24/2007
Hello. I really like this version of Crimson. It's much more descriptive and it has more old type speech. My compliments to this story.