|Reviews for The Darkest Dawn|
| Silwyth chapter 1 . 11/27/2007
Howdy! Silwyth here!
I can't say this particular chapter caught my attention. Many of the sentences are run-ons which make the language feel very slow.
I'm pretty sure you could fix that easily by reading it out loud once yourself, so I won't bother to go into details! :3
Here are some issues I noticed that didn't have to deal with language, or things I had comments on.
As always - you know your story best, so feel free disregard any suggestions you know won't work out! :D
Hatred and gratitude don't go together in my mind. Perhaps a description of the queens's eyes (are they flashing? bowed? vivid? pools of calm water? waves of angry water?) would help convey exactly what you're trying to get across.
How does the queen "listen with selective hearing"? Or: what does the queen listen to and what does she ignore? It's not clear what's being selected.
You might want to go into further details about what "outcast" means. I'm surprised that some one outcasted would be allowed to step foot in court.
The "complex thought patterns" sentence seems too blunt to describe this cold queen. Especially when it seems like your character does not know what she is thinking. (Unless he's a telepath! XD )
Your description of the Eldar is slightly confusing. You don't explain why the character thinks the Eldar no longer exist or why no one has visited them even though they are a few days of travel away.
:) One moment you're talking about the dangerous dwarf land, the next about this falcon getting stuck in owl holes! Just a bit random... :D
At one point Col’Dyeth mentions that he has companions (plural) then goes on to talk about one of them. He does not specify if it is Nethrain or someone else.
Also, Col’Dyeth states he is not loved by his father, but then says he is feared by all because he is not completely elven. ? It seems like he answered his own question. :)
Hope that is useful for you!