Y'know, I stopped making logn chapters a while ago, so I can whine about how long this one is.

Also, there is a limit to hwo muchd escription can be crammed into one sentance (said the dark-haired intelligent young woman who reclined on her stool, nearly falling off it).

...I don't know why, but it seemed to me that the dialouge sucked. Oh! I see! It's like the messenger was reading a character descripton out of a D&D manual. And trying to show personality while doing it. And failing.

You also appear to be narrating this to the gamer's club. This is most notable when you studdenly start speaking in presant tense. You're changing your tenses! *tsk*

And you said 'waste' when you meant 'waist'. I don't know if I will ever speak to you again.

To give a rundown: shorten the chapters, make the dialouge realistic, add some subtlty to your description, and cut melodrama every time you summarize anything. I don't know wheter to blame anime, Star Wars lit, or D&D, but your style needs work.

(I mean, heck, I love you and I still found stuff to complain about. That's...usual for me, acutally.)