Reviews for She never came down
artofjula chapter 1 . 7/23/2010
This was amazing - it honestly captured me. I loved the way it was written, had my eyes stuck to the screen. I loved this part:

Panic-stricken red eyes;

Strung-out mannerisms;

hands that pushed and pushed

The needle into her visible veins

(

failing. Just failing.

)

Amazing job. :)
Narq chapter 1 . 2/5/2009
Wow. I was breathtaken at the way you wrote it. Strong. True. It was not only a visual peom, but it was great said out loud. So, Good job to you!
english summer rain chapter 1 . 7/4/2008
this is great, i love the concept (even though i don't fully understand it), and the emotions it conveys. this made me actually feel something (there are so many poems that are lengthy and rather tedious to read).

however, i agree with some of Midnight In Eden's points, especially the word choice one. and, this is just my opinion, but i think this would be better in prose, which may destroy a lot of the intense emotions it emits and the word breaks, but you then also don't have to worry about using poetic language, especially when you begin to ask the questions (copious amounts of questions in poems kind of bug me).

all in all, this is written very well, and i know you have improved since this (i've read your more recent works), so keep writing! and just like everyone else, i have the say the last stanza wraps everything up beautifully. :)
Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 3/22/2008
Okay. A technical few things to start off with.

1. Either punctuate this fully or not at all. Right now you've only got a scattering of it when it should be all or nothing.

2. The parentheses of the first line bugged me, it just seems like an overly used stylistic device that is quite amateurish. Simply "When, if, you wake up" would suffice.

3. Ditto for other parentheses, including "like cards, like gambling..." where a dash would be better utilised.

Also, just because the topic is cliched doesn't mean the content has to be. The best thing to do in poetry is take a cliched topic and make it new again. I do think you've done that in places here but at times this feels self indulgent and lengthy.

So I'd recommend you work on your word economy. For example, the second stanza, the line "I suppose I could have..." - you don't need the "I suppose" as "I could" infers that anyways. There are places where this feels very prosaic because of all the filler words and lack of poetic voice. Imagery and verbs push a poem but there are stanzas where those are quite lacking (stanza five for example). It's hard to write poetry about such difficult topics but this might almost work better as a poetic prose piece.

Overall, this isn't bad. There are bits that really hit hard but there are also bits that feel like they'd be more at home in a different story. Though I will admit that I love that last stanza. There's something very real and honest about it.

Midnight
Kyllorac chapter 1 . 3/21/2008
Wow. Like Fractured Illusion already mentioned, this poem has emotions. In my humble opinion, nothing is cliche if it is truly what a person feels.

The last few lines really spoke to me.

"So thank you for your time, and we’re down to the last two questions

Did you ever exist?

And

Who am I now?"

Just, wow.
unemployed-joy chapter 1 . 3/21/2008
Oh, my. This is intensely personal, and I completely love it (even a year or so after you've published it). Very poignant and compelling.

-Rachel
a certain slant of light chapter 1 . 2/15/2008
Perhaps not very poetic, but very good, no, excellent, to say the least. There are too many lines for me to quote, so just know that this is... ah, powerful. I'll never forget it.
kelsi bones chapter 1 . 1/21/2008
I think this is one of the most incredibly real and scary and vivid things i've ever read. It's confusing, but it's the good kind of confusing that shows that this really happened; it isn't just make believe. I really, really, REALLY enjoyed reading this.
bipedalcooney chapter 1 . 10/19/2007
Really beautiful. Few writers can texture their words so much and so well. I love the details and the feeling in this. It's a very strong piece. Keep writing!
Twilight Starr chapter 1 . 10/15/2007
Interesting poem. The ending left an air of mystery. The title is fitting.

Great job!

Twilight Starr
idontwannapopuponsearchengines chapter 1 . 10/6/2007
You have been nominated for a 2007 Fiction Award: Poem of the Year-She Never Came Down by Rust interested in viewing, please go to my profile, click on my forums and go to 2007 Fiction Awards.
Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 8/18/2007
Wow. Just wow.

First I have to say; I suck (and I am not underestimating myself here) at giving concrit to poetry. Mostly, I dislike it, even.

But this was different, despite its "cliched" subject. It had *emotions* and I am terribly happy that it had. Your lines were all so very alive and I have myself some favorites :P

Like;

"I talk to ghosts because people

Scare the hell out of me"

and

"She got high and

She never came down."

Those two in particular really stood out to me, and they're really powerful (which I think this whole piece is but these two shines on their own.) Though I don't agree with your M rating :/ This is T, no doubt.

Keep writing!

- Fractured Illusion
tangledwebweweave chapter 1 . 8/7/2007
First of all, I have to say thank you for commenting on my work. Now that I have read yours, I feel flattered that you looked at mine. Thank you!

Secondly, this piece was simply wonderful. I love it. The topic was confusing, but I liked how it was mysterious-esk. The imagery was amazing.

Thirdly, I hope that she gets better and that you will probably be there for her, because that is the vibe I am getting. It's so sad how these things happen.

Anyways...great job! Keep it up!
a.breathing.spot chapter 1 . 7/22/2007
wow...i am breathless, i actually cried while reading this, it is one of the most honest perfect amazing things i have ever read in my entire life. It was almost like the emotion put into this was dripping out of my screen, like i was drowning in something raw and beautiful yet painful and wanted you to know how perfect it was.

whatever you do, never ever stop writing
Lemon Sorbet chapter 1 . 7/14/2007
This is amazing. I was totally sucked into it from start to finish.

I love the way you don't hold back and the way you think aloud. You give all the right information, but you've put a different take on the events to the way everyone else does. It wasn't cliché or 'emo' at all, it was almost philosophical in the way you posed questions.

The short lines break it up well, making it spontaneous, as your thoughts flowed out. I'm favouriting. Well done.
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