|Reviews for To Be Dolls|
| Limited Edition chapter 1 . 3/4/2007
Mwehey! I like this yes. Some twitchings needed; some sentences are in present tense and the first sentence is awkward. Flesh is automatically assumed to be warm, so why not just write "Cold fingers slid across my flesh"?
That the dialogue is bolded gets a bit annoying since it draws attention. I find myself looking at them and not being able to concentrate on the rest.
"while using my feet to kick him" Unnecessary to use passive forms and just making it more wordy. Use active sentences, it's much more interesting.
When a new person speaks, a new paragraph starts. When another person performs an action after the first person speaks, a new paragraph starts.
There are also minor mistakes like "her" instead of "him" XD
I like how it builds up. Little casual stuff that make it awkward for the poor dude BWAHAHAHAHAHA
MWEH why is he scared? Omg omg what's gonna happen?
| BrightSideGreen chapter 1 . 3/4/2007
I agree with fishslapping. . .
"this little section has intrigued me"
Please, do continue; i like. )
| Onion Ring chapter 1 . 3/4/2007
That was a bit different. Why did you bold every part of speech? It only was more distracting than anything else. A bit short, but it gave us some insight to what is about to happen. I like. Continue. Watch your tenses, though. They switch frequently.
| fishslappinghighlandflinger chapter 1 . 3/3/2007
This is very creepy but I like it! It gave an strange feeling like some one was watching me as well. I hope you plan to write more of this because this little section has intrigued me. Great work!
Stan the Nerd