Reviews for Baptism of Fire
A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 10/4/2012
Hey, there! So this may be a rather long fragment: "Multifunction devices that could be made to show a wealth of data from any number of satellites, auditory, and visual sensors all over the globe, they were today configured to display a live feed from the satellites orbiting above the ESDF's lunar base, Vérité." Should have a comma between "obselete" and "but." Your beginning is interesting, but I have noticed many of your sentences are pretty long. The comma after "Valerie was right" should probably be a semi-colin or a dash. I just came off a Star Trek marathon, and I must say that your description of technical detail is very nice. Hard time picturing Peters shaking like a dog, though, since that's usually side-to-side. The Counsellor is sufficiently creepy. Nice and Hitler-ish, in a sense. Lots at stake, and that's great. Need a space between "pilot" and "smirked." Interesting ending! Maybe describe the sound that caught up? And nice job, creating a problem to solve in the first chapter!
TorgoTheWhite chapter 1 . 10/1/2012
Just finished chapter one. It was a solid action packed chapter and the writing style is superb (the sort I am striving towards). I particularly appreciated the explanation for decompression in vacuum. The concluding paragraph betrayed a intimate knowledge of fighter aircraft. Overall, a great chapter.
Esther Jade chapter 4 . 4/12/2008
Hello again!

I wasn't mad about how the chapter seemed to open with quite a lot of jargon. Having said that, I think you generally handle the technical side well. I like the little explanations you slipped in every so often.

I don't mind the switching point-of-views. I actually think you handle them really well. One thing I would say, though, is that I wasn't mad about some of the omniscient point-of-view material at the end. It made me feel a little disconnected from the story, especially after how the action scene drew me in.

The most emotive point for me was the material with Annebel. After her fumbling, I really liked how you showed the insecurity she was feeling and then the pride in her past achievements. I thought it made her a very human character.

Overall, I like your writing style. Your stories are easy to read, which is great. I can just sink in and enjoy them. :)

Minor points:

You and Raven take them, Kestrel and I will keep lookout for any other fighters. - I think that comma should be a semi-colon.

which promptly began to jink - jink?

He reflected on his earlier encounter with the other Gungnir - I find the word choice of "reflected" a bit odd. It feels too pensive.

As he drifted forward the Gungnir did a hard rolling reversal - I think there should be a comma after "forward".

charged with emotion. - I'm personally not mad about this description.
Esther Jade chapter 3 . 4/1/2008
Review game!

Argh - computer just lost long review again. Ifrustrated.

Okay - I like your writing style. It's crisp and easy to read.

I don't like how you handle numbers. Numbers less than ten or at the beginning of a sentence should be written out.

The surnames in the action sequences kind of irritated me. They seem unnecessary.

Nat's train of thought after he's ejected strikes me as unnatural. It's way too ordered to be what he's actually thinking. It feels like you, as the author, trying to get a point across, rather than the character's natural reaction.
Esther Jade chapter 2 . 4/1/2008
Review game - continued!

The Christian angle for Nat took me a bit off guard - interesting touch. Particularly considering the villains appear to be religious zealots. That should make for some interesting conversations.

What bothered me with the Christian thing is that Nat and Rebekah do not seem at all other bothered about killing people. He gets there and he's thinking all about how he almost died and seems to overlook what might have happened to the LF people. It just feels a bit weird, particularly considering these are civilian Christians who got plucked into the military not people who went through a process of evaluation and thinking about it and then deciding.

The theme of being too dependent on LF technology reminds me of the Battlestar Galactica dependence on the Cylons. It seems to be a theme in science fiction stories.

The explanation at the beginning didn't really seem anchored in Nat's point-of-view and I started to lose interest a bit. Not seriously but I thought I'd mention it.

One thing that bothered me is the story feels very America-centric. You talk about the EDSF as if its a global organisation (Volunteers began to pour in to the few ESDF installations that remained) but it sounds like it's American. There is also a sweeping reference to Australasia that I bring up under minor points. But the really irritating bit was: Those of you who are staying here tonight will deploy to Asia tomorrow as part of Zeta Company. The rest of you are to go to the San Diego solar energy farm in the Anza-Borrego Desert, in the US, and relieve the US ESDF troops there.- Asia is pretty big and yet there is no detail about it and loads about the San Diego deployment. Okay, maybe the characters are America-centric but it did irritate me.

Also, how far into the future is this? It feels like some things have changed a lot (emergence of EDSF, rise of the EDSF, eclipse of the EDSF by the LF) but yet the balance of power remains the same. How come the US and Europe are the only "big" threats? A decade or two into the future and I think tangling with the Chinese and Indians is going to be a big no-no. And how come the LF just walked straight through Australia - their military's not that bad. And what about all those trigger-happy countries sitting around in South Asia (currently India and Pakistan both have decent militaries and nuclear bombs) And Japan doesn't even get a mention...

Sorry this might sound like a rant but I do get kind of annoyed by futuristic sci-fi where the US is the only country taken into consideration.

Oh, and just to close on a positive note, I think you write really good action-packed pieces. The bit where they were being shot at really drew me in.

Minor points:

Australasia - I really hate that geographical description. That's a huge swathe of the world just lumped into one neat category. If you don't mean all of Asia, up to and including the more northern parts such as Russia and North America, I would pinpoint it as Australia and South-East Asia.

before straightening up and accelerating hard - I like this turn of phrase.
Esther Jade chapter 1 . 4/1/2008
Review game!

My long, detailed review just got eaten. I am so frustrated. I'm afraid I'm too annoyed to write it all out again but I'll do my best to cover the same points.

I like the characterisation you put into the first chapter. It gives the reader something to connect to. Too often in science fiction, reading the first couple of chapters is just painful jargon.

I also liked the dialogue. It felt appropriate to the context and was easy to read.

This chapter felt like it was lacking a "quick, call the president" scene. His memories of his wife refer to politics but we never see it and, to me, it feels like we should.

The scene at the end felt like a random tag-along until the pilot died. That was quite a clever little touch.

Overall, some of the plot direction feels cliched but I think you have enough tantalising details in this chapter to make the reader wander just what is going on in your story.
anti-climax chapter 1 . 12/13/2007
Very well-written.

Your eye for technical details and military jargon does wonders in enhancing the authenticity of your work..

A small error here by the way - pilotsmirked.
Matt Lopez chapter 5 . 4/28/2007
The falling action is detailed, but I would prefer it if there were a couple more paragraphs to keep the reader imagining and hypothesizing over the future of that universe. How did the LF respond to this loss? Were there any survivors on the lunar base...maybe a sequel concurrent on the moon?

I love the characters. I envy their relationships with each other. It's tempting to use them as a model for my friends! LOL. Fiction can be a dangerously comfortable solace! This story was enthralling to say the least. I cannot wait to read another story in this universe. Please write ASAP!
Matt Lopez chapter 4 . 4/28/2007
I think I chewed all my nails off and bit my bottom lip bloody twice! The actions is definitely note worthy. The dialogue, exceptional. The technical terms, authentic. I wish I was part of ESDF!
Matt Lopez chapter 3 . 4/26/2007
Man, this chapter was nerve wrecking. I loved the dialogue. Good scripture too. I think I would like (if I may request) a better description of the geography and terrain. I know that you touched on it, but I would love to further visualize the action in the right setting. Apart from this, I love it and cannot wait to read the next chapter after class tonight! I also appreciate the inner thoughts of the character. They really give it an anchor in reality since I talk to myself in my head all the time...I think other people do that...? LOL. Please keep writing!
Getuie chapter 2 . 3/19/2007
The RPG chase scene was intense - even if I didn't get the collision/driving over thing - and the descriptions are very good. Not as babbly as Webber, but enough to get everything that needed to be babbled about out in the open. Just one thing... have you already established what ESDF means your prologue (I can't remember).
generalpoet chapter 1 . 3/8/2007
Wow. I really have to say that this is a good read. If you can, update soon; I wanna read more, lol. Keep writing and God bless.
Getuie chapter 1 . 3/6/2007
I always ponder on how the heck writers manage to throw in the detail they do without being n that trade... It's something that always kind of made me feel either jealous or freaked out :-P

Good detail... enough to drop a few straight over my head without confusing me so much that I didn't understand everything :-P. Can't wait to read more.