|Reviews for Luck's Got Nothing To Do With It|
| LucienofShadow chapter 3 . 2/22/2008
'It was traditional that every season, the explorers went off in a different direction than they had before.'
This sentence is a little misleading in a few ways. Firstly, the use of 'season' suggests that the explorers set off four times every year, not once every seven. Secondly, you make it sound like it's always the same group of explorers due to the use of 'the.' So you could rephrase it to read: "It was traditional that every seventh year the latest crop of explorers would go off in a different direction from their predecessors."
Also it seems a bit odd that you say 'I can't blame the mirror for sending us...' and then say 'But I still did.' It would be better if you initially said 'I shouldn't blame...'
"We only got to send someone out once every seven years. If they offended someone..." The pronoun doesn't match the antecedent, and the antecedent doesn't make sense in the context. Rephrase to say 'We only got to send a group out...'
"There was still an open podium where Tove had given his speech from." The article 'an' is odd in the circumstance. If it's the same podium where Tove gave his speech, it should be 'the open podium.'
"I suppose I shouldn’t say that he seems so small to me." 'Seemed' not 'seems.'
This chapter was a rather potent example of what acting on instinct rather than thought can do to you. I liked it. Aida's rather paranoid, isn't she?
| LucienofShadow chapter 2 . 2/13/2008
“Kervin sent me up to see if you and Aida were ready yet. Peka says if you think they’ll wait for you, you’re stupider than Tach, (which wasn’t very nice of her, but Tach didn’t seem to mind, and I hope you won’t, either, Peka’s just nervous) and Tach said something about you both being gone at the same time. I don’t know what, though, Zaniah covered my ears.” Take out the parentheses. There are very few situations when you should use them. If J'ela is saying that then it belongs with the rest of what she says. If that's Aida's thought you can put it outside the quotations or omit it. One of the great things about having it in there, sans parentheses, is that it allows you to characterize J'ela's speech. It fits well with what you've said about her being young, kind, and the implication of naivety.
And more parentheses: "But I stayed quiet (uncharictaristically) and excused myself to go back to the comfort of people who thought I was an idiot after knowing me for many years. As opposed to people who thought I was an idiot and had just met me." Should be written as 'But I stayed uncharacteristically quiet...' You also misspelled 'uncharacteristically.'
Those are just the two places where the parentheses stuck out the most. If you could remove them all, or as many as you can, that would be great.
Also for "I wouldn't actually know, I tend to ignore him most of the time, and I never knew him very well." I would recommend re-jiggering it to read "I wouldn't actually know as I tend to ignore him most of the time. I never knew him very well anyhow."
as it flows better. The way you have it is a list, which is awkward with such long 'items' being listed.
'The knob to the door' can be changed to 'The doorknob.'
I look forward to learning more about all the characters. I hope it's a little less black and white than Aida seems to think it is.
I'm also very interested as to the appearance of a broken mirror in this first chapter as well as the prologue. Curiouser and curiouser.
| LucienofShadow chapter 1 . 2/10/2008
"Teon was from a land far beyond the sea, so far it was impossible to say where he belonged." This sentence bothers me. It feels like the second clause is missing something. I can't really decide whether it would be better as 'so far beyond the sea, in fact, that it was impossible to say where he belonged.' or 'so far away that it was impossible to say where he belonged.' Just something to consider although, technically, the sentence is fine as it is.
I love your comparisons of legend and history. However, here: "But history and legend for once agree that Teon did exist," 'for once' weakens the sentence. It is more powerful without it as the meaning is implied anyhow. Don't add in words to tell us what we can feel or intuit.
Woah, word choice please. In "so their economy wasn’t a total bust" the colloquialism 'a total bust' seems terribly out of place. I'm not entirely sure how to say this, but up to that point you use fairly good, literal English. And then that comes along and it sticks out like a sore thumb.
"The climate, I could say otherwise about, but I guess some people just like the cold." Comma splice, take out the first one. I rarely notice anything about comma usage or lack of it, so this made me happy. But you didn't need to know that...
"mysterious reports filled the world about the unusual happenings from that crater." 'In' should replace 'from.' Or, if that wasn't your intent, rephrase it in some other manner.
"and set it off to sea." I think you might have meant to say 'sent' but I could be wrong.
Great finishing line. I'm not entirely sure if it would work, but if at all possible use it to end the story. It's a terrific line.
This definitely has potential. Actually, it's probably too early for me to say that, but I'm saying it anyhow. I intend to read the rest of it. All 20 some chapters. And review them too. But not right now. Feel free to pester me and remind me to get around to reading them every few days or so.
| truthordeal chapter 22 . 9/23/2007
I got a little confused with the last two lines.
"I don't need protection, and I'm not reckless!" Zek only snorted. "It's true!" Still no response. "You know, we had to go through four years of intensive survival training in order to be chosen for this expedition. We have to be able to fight, and to survive without supplies in any sort of conditions. And so far, I think I've been doing alright!"
"Did they happen to teach you basic balance?"
Who was talking during that exchange when?
It was a good chapter though, even if it is the last one I might review.
It was a rather short chapter, but I understand with your schooling and such. Just remember what Mark Twain once said "Never let your schooling affect your education."
| Carmel March chapter 22 . 9/23/2007
This story is still as good as ever. Even if I haven't read it in awhile, the minute I read a few paragraphs, it all comes back to me; the characters, the plot, the style of writing, everything. It takes an amazing story, and not to mention, author, to do that :)
Keep this up, and update soon!
| Imalefty chapter 1 . 9/22/2007
i like how you tell the story in legend form... it adds to the tone. :)
there was lots of detail in so few words... i'm impressed. :)
it is rather prologue-y, but i guess that's okay... since it IS a prologue. it catches the interest, starts off the plot, and has enough mystery to keep the story interesting.
good job so far!
| soojinyeh chapter 1 . 9/21/2007
love it. Read and review me please.
| The Ferrett chapter 22 . 9/20/2007
Good chap with the characters reaching a critical understanding of their situation. I do wonder when the husband/wife arguament will start though. Anyways... flow continues to be good and the overall linkage is well done.
| truthordeal chapter 21 . 9/8/2007
I'm sorry I took so long to review.
It finally appears that her luck is changing.
I like the time and distance system. Its really quite original. And I also like your explanation of how teleporting works.
I also like Zek's quote, "your head would explode, can we go now."
Good job on the chapter. I'll try to keep reviewing if I am able.
| Carmel March chapter 21 . 9/7/2007
I'm terribly sorry for taking so long to review! There is no time in my life for anything but school right now, leaving only a couple of hours on the weekend free.
This story keeps amazing me with each new chapter. Every time I think something is going to happen, something completely different occurs. I love that unpredictableness :)
I'll try my best to read your new chapters sooner. Promise.
| its.Nothing.Special chapter 21 . 9/4/2007
Eh, not really.
Nipa loved! Duh, and of course she's still reading. *rolls eyes* D Grinsgrins!
WHOO! MELIN! He's back! *musses up his hair affectionately* That's my lucky boy! I once knew a guy named Lucky, and we went to his house sometimes because he had a wicked sweet game room. But then he moved. :(
Right. OMG! ZEKKIN! He's so awesome! I never got to tell you how surprised I was to find out he was the Dream Voice, and how un-surprised I was, also. When I re-read that Zekkin-Roban-Dream-Conversation, I was like "how the heck did I not know that"? :O
WHOO! TELEPORT! That's so awesome, and I like your take on the whole process. My brothers and I always pretend we teleport places. D
[Zek seemed slightly impatient. "You're head would explode. Can we go now?"] BWAHAHA! LOL quote of the century. xD
That invisible force thing was scary. *shudders*
Loved this chapter, and UGH! School starts for me tomorrow, too! I tried that whole threatening-myself-to-update thing also, but it's not working for me. :( AHAAH I just can't stay in my room and work on the next chapter because it's SO FREAKING HOT over here! Gads! Stupid Cali weather!
Whatever. I'm glad the self-threats worked for you 'cause *sniffles* that was so inspiring! D Keep writing!
| truthordeal chapter 20 . 9/1/2007
Everyone is dead? Secret connections to people who I didn't know had connections? Ah, the plot thickens.
The story seems to be going in an interesting direction.
I understand about not being able to update. I'm always faced with that problem. I hardly know if I will be able to update the chapter again after I update a new one.
| Carmel March chapter 20 . 8/19/2007
Lovely, lovely chapter. I'm really liking the direction this story seems to be going in. And everything is developing even more. The plot, the characters...
Keep up the amazing work, and update soon :)
| truthordeal chapter 19 . 8/6/2007
"Time has an odd and rather annoying habit of passing."
I love that quote. It just fits in with the ending of summer, after all.
So Zek is back. Ok, that's cool. Talik is dead and Peka is almost dead, that's not so cool. I can't wait to see what happens next.
| Carmel March chapter 19 . 8/4/2007
You've gone and impressed me again. This chapter was wonderful. Things do seem to be picking up. I can't wait for more!