|Reviews for The Adventures of Ian MacDermott|
| Lee's ghost re-born chapter 2 . 1/12/2008
Great stuff, its chilling and warm at the same time! You have a thing for docs named alex don' you? :)
| Danielle Thamasa chapter 4 . 1/11/2008
Ohh...that sucks. Poor Ian. This is great. I want more!
| Danielle Thamasa chapter 3 . 1/11/2008
You know, I think I like finding out more of what happened in Ian's past. It makes me appreciate the RP more.
| Danielle Thamasa chapter 2 . 1/11/2008
Gosh, it's so fun to read this story while participating in the forum. I feel as if I already have a strong connection with all of the characters. It's great. Keep it up.
| Danielle Thamasa chapter 1 . 1/11/2008
Just from what I know of all of the setting of this story, I feel it would be better if it was written in the dialect. While it may be difficult for some to follow, I feel it would help drag the reader into the time and setting.
| Lee's ghost re-born chapter 1 . 12/9/2007
Can't wait to read more! I'm to lazy to it right now, but I will. I stand by what I said on fanfic, you WILL get published.
| CzechGirl328 chapter 5 . 8/1/2007
wow, this story is really awesome! i definately think it could be a book. i'm excited to find out what happens next!
| Enaid chapter 2 . 5/1/2007
im enjoying it so far! the names are very pretty. one of my friends name is Siobhan which is Gaelic for Joan
| Beatrixx Ripley chapter 1 . 4/29/2007
if good will walways prevail, then u just ruined the entire story!
haha naw, im kidding
| Atari Tariyama chapter 2 . 4/22/2007
Semicolon after 'however'.
Too much spacing.(You should not double-space after every couple of sentences but instead use an
Capital letters mistakenly for emphasis. (Never use CAPITAL LETTERS to show emphasis. It is informal)
Too many italics. (At first I was going to by-pass it as your style, but you used it a bit too often and a couple of times without reasonable need)
Ameaturish counting of age. Maybe, "He looked to be around seventeen, only four years younger than myself." Perhaps a comparison or reason for this note.
'Seemed' is not always a good word to use in place of 'was'.
Good name, 'Alec'.
"He definitely knew what he was talking about." Infection is not something so uncommon or advanced that only doctors know about it. If this was converted to a movie, it would be a bad action movie, or a children's cartoon based on this sort of observation.
It seems more like your main character would be annoyed at being treated like a child or what ever it is that your character does.
Quote begin: He looked up quickly, staring at me as if asking ‘Why are you suddenly talking now? Why were you not talking earlier?’
Despite his confused look, he responded swiftly, “You are quite welcome. I will be back in several hours to check on your wounds.” Quote end.
Does this sound a bit awkward to you? The way you split his expression and words in such a way.
"He looked up quickly, staring at me as if asking 'Why are you suddenly talking now?"
Alone, the sentence above is much too soon.
The main character never DIDN'T speak unless you consider the few moments when he first awoke. Even that was not long enough for Alec to be surprised that he is 'suddenly' speaking.
That aside, you put, "Despite his confused look, he responded swiftly."
It may have been more realistic if he would have 'shaken it off' and then responded. Usually, people don't look confused and then respond as if not confused at all.
They generally catch themselves before speaking.
Double-spacing every quote. One space will do.
Over-use of the word 'seem' again.
". . .seemed to be five feet by five feet or so" could easily be, "It appeared to be. . ." or, "It looked to be. . ." or, "It must have been".
Quote begin: I studied the guard, Patrick, for a moment and took in every detail of him that I could see from fifteen feet away. He had black, grey-streaked hair that was a few inches above his shoulders and a black mustache and beard. He had dark brown, almost black, eyes, and was of medium height, five foot ten or five foot eleven. He seemed to be at least twenty years older than I was, which would put him over forty. That was old to me but, old or not, he could easily keep me from getting out or keep someone else from getting in. The latter was good, because I didn’t want anyone, besides Alec, bothering me. I was very tired, so I decided to get some sleep until Alec came back, which would be in several hours. Quote End
There are two problems here.
One would be the slightly description of the guard; it had a bit too much detail.
Why, exactly, would your main character want to study ALL of the little bitty, insignificant details of this guard?
Does it matter about his hair? Is this an important character? (It might be, so ignore this if he is)
Again, you mention the age and it feels clumsily addressed.
". . . twenty years older than I was, which would put him over forty."
You should have stopped at 'twenty years old than I was.'
Or just said he was forty and cut the middle man.
Moreover, why does he already seem friendly with Alec? Seems a bit too soon if you ask me, and because you did not mention anything your character was feeling, I cannot just assume he enjoys the company. Especially considering the fact that he 'didn't want anyone. . . bothering' him.
I'm going to stop, let you run through your story and fix everything.
After reading this you should be able to spot things ANYWHERE in your story.
I hate to point out things which are small, or that may be part of your writing style because I know how it is.
But the story seemed interesting but was killed by your lack of proper description and writing.
Polish it up and go at it again.