Reviews for Splits
Yukiko-snowchild chapter 8 . 8/7/2007
wow! your story so far is fabulous! all detailed and Ruth's emotions all expressed perfectly! update soon...looking forward to it!
Fairytale Gurl chapter 8 . 7/24/2007
i really like this! please update soon! i'm never read a romance sotry quite lije this! UPDATE SOON por favor!
I Quoth Nevermore chapter 8 . 7/24/2007
Great chapter. Not to be knit-picky, but there are a few errors and quote misplacements. That's okay though. And if Noah is from MA, shouldn't he like the Red Sox (love 'em!) and not the Yankees? That's just a small insignificant detail though. I can't wait until things heat up between the two! Update soon!
joshilin chapter 7 . 7/16/2007
i read all seven chapters in one sitting.. this story definitely has a very sophisticated feel, a "more real" grasp of people and their relationships with others, i think, than a lot of other fiction. a very honest and refreshing thing, i assure you!

so far, i'm having a slightly difficult time getting into noah's head (well, everyone with the exception of ruth herself), but this is likely only a consequence of the first-person narrative style. i look forward to reading more of your chapters and seeing the characters develop. please please do continue with this story!
Skyawing chapter 3 . 7/10/2007
•“I’ll help,” I said, immediately, The comma after ‘said’ is unnecessary.

•He just quirked me a smile and leaned in, I had no idea ‘quirk’ was a verb until I looked it up on Can you chose another word? .;

•Joseph was working there, and I started helping him put ice into a cooler. Wait…who’s Joseph? Plus, Ruth is talking to Jason in the next few paragraphs….

•become part of the political machine ‘scene’ might be a better word instead of ‘machine’…since I’m not sure what you mean by ‘political machine’.

•I wrinkled my nose at that. *crossed out the ‘at that’*

•Jason’s dialogue makes him seem like an ice cube.

•Cole will not dance with anyone else, Noah seems to dislike conjunctions. ‘won’t’ would’ve sounded better then ‘will not’.

•and if her were anyone else ‘and if he had been anyone else’

•I knew dancing point was going to be hard As in the dance technique? _

•Plus, he had had been ridiculously Two ‘had’s?

•for that night at with my friends at, or with?

•Yeah, but dancing is in your blood or something, you wouldn’t miss that for the world,” he countered wisely. Instead of ‘yeah’, how about ‘yes’? Get rid of ‘or something’ and replace ‘that’ with ‘it’.

•Forgiven,” I started down the steps. Ruth doesn’t seem the type to not use complete sentences.

•soft, and almost cautionary. You didn’t need that ‘and’. Replace ‘cautionary’ with ‘cautious’.

•Your friends meant well,” I countered. You’re fond of this word, ‘countered’. However, ‘countered’ makes more sense when the speaker is anger and in the defense, trying to make an equally witty retort. In this scene, I get the sense Noah and Ruth are dancing around each other; neither want to offend or scare off the other. How about ‘I said simply’?

•I hated Yamahas because when you played the keys felt like they had no base. Add a comma after ‘played’.

•I like how you included the scales. You can also add some more description to the room by describing the piano, it’s position in the room and to the door.

•Is someone bleeding out ‘bleed out’? What about ‘bleeding to death’?

•so he was facing away Add a ‘that’ after ‘so’.

•I’m not sure of what to make of Ross either. If asked to describe his personality, I wouldn’t know what to say.

•“What did you want to tell me,” Ruth asked a question, so you need a question mark instead of a comma.

•A mood had settled over me, ‘Mood’ would not be the right word to use. How about ‘wave of anger’?In fact, you might want to rewrite and break up that sentence.

•But that’s why I am not allowed in their house now.” By ‘their’, he means the house Ruth was in in chapter 2? Was that noah’s house? (you never clarified whose house she was in)

•I’m surprised Ruth knew so much about Noah’s sister.

•I’m surprised Noah would use the word ‘fucking’.

•get me out of any bad mood.” ‘my’ makes more sense then ‘any’.

•You breezed over the party! I was looking forward to seeing Ruth socialize during the party. It would’ve had some spice to this chapter. I would have liked to see more of Cole and Asha in this chapter. This chapter seems to be entirely focused on getting the plot moving forward and a little less about character development. Ruth and Ross are supposed to be close. Ross’s confession might’ve been more shocking if we’d known more about Ross. Ideally, you’d want to develop the heroine’s best friend a bit more before springing something new.
Skyawing chapter 2 . 7/9/2007
•For some reason, the conversation Ruth had with Cole sounded as if she was talking to her conscience. I’m guessing this scene is about a day or two after the end of chp 1.

•They were white with purple streaks across the length of their petals. Their long stems were so bright; it was obvious that they were freshly cut. I wondered where he had found orchids in the middle of winter. (Yes, I know you had a chapter break, and a line to show it, but you need a better transition. I also thought this description was a bit too short. I think you could’ve taken the chance to describe the setting and situation, so that readers wouldn’t have to struggle to understand from the dialogue where and when the scene took place.)

•I love it when they steal her bag.

•This is where I express my confusion concerning Lisa, since I forgot to do so in my chp 1 review. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not too sure why was apologizing in chp1. For ditching Ruth? Come to think of it, I’m not sure what to make of Lisa herself.

• Now, this thing about Ruth’s weight and body size. Ruth has said many times she doesn’t have an eating disorder, but everyone seems to think otherwise, and are generally concerned about her eating habits. I’m surprised no one has followed her to the bathroom to make sure she doesn’t puke it up yet. From what I can gather, Ruth is a little above average weight. Am I right?

•I’ll have a the most colorful room on campus this February. Get rid of that ‘a’.

•you won’t want where we are going. …

•Where are we going,” I asked, Needs a question mark instead of a comma.

•It seemed that everyone except me got to know what was going on. Instead of ‘got to know’, how about ‘knew’.

•I wish I knew what a ‘taffy pull’ was. Google hits are mostly recipes. O_o

•“I think I’ll walk back to campus now,” I opened the car door. A period instead of a comma.

•So, are you coming, or do I have to carry you.” Needs a question mark instead of the period.

•Cole’s hand fast caught my own and he quickly used it as leverage to sling me over his shoulder. The word ‘fast’ killed this sentence.

•Nice try,” he said sarcastically. The situation implies he said it sarcastically. Saying he said it sarcastically only ruins the effect.

•“Thanks for bringing her,” Noah answered the door. Noah might be better off answering the door THEN saying thanks.

•“Some people start with hello,” having nowhere else to go, I breezed past him into the house. Period instead of a comma after ‘hello’. ‘Hello’ should have apostrophes around it too.

•with the social ability to move, social…..I’m trying to think of a different word because social doesn’t fit.

•Now I understand why you mentioned religion so much in chp 1.

•Once again, a description of where the heck they are would be great. :) Whose house is this again? _ What does it look like? What does the hall look like? I’m sure Ruth has something to say about the décor.

•Noah set us straight there, but his politics won’t go away, you know that right?” I have a big problem with the word ‘politics’ in this sentence.

•“Where’s Ross,” a voice said somewhere above my head. Question mark instead of a comma.

•“If you guys could just help me, everything is almost ready for the party.” I reread this line several times before realizing the ideas expressed don’t match up. Are you sure you don’t mean: “If you guys would just help me, everything would be already ready for the party. “ ?

•Personally, I thought this was a significantly weaker ending/cliffhanger compared to chp 1.

•Still, I think the missing factor is Noah. We get to see more of the supporting characters, but Noah should’ve appeared more often. The roses were from Noah...right? He waited two weeks to send them? Although, he did send them on the day of the performance, probably to be discreet. He seems to have backed off a bit since chp 1…I’m glad to see Isaac has a good reason for hitting on Ruth. I’m amused by Cole and Peter’s relationship….I didn’t expect Peter to be alpha.
Skyawing chapter 1 . 7/9/2007
I think you’ve got a good thing right here. You’ve managed to avoid most clichés, you’ve made the dialogue believable, and you’ve managed to review (sp?) their traits and habits through dialogue then simply telling us like most authors do.

What I liked:

•Ruth does not instantly fall for Noah, or immediately notice his good looks.

•Ruth’s reaction to Noah constantly carrying off her bag. She’s suspicious about his intentions and tries to get it back without being tweeny-whiney at all.

•You seem to have done your research, or at least know a bit about ballet because I have no clue about most of the ballet related stuff they’re talking about. But at least they look like they know what they’re talking about! Same with all those musicals.

• Ruth is blunt, and honest with herself without being cynical.

•You mentioned religion. I’ve read stories where a character is described as a Muslim, but I’ve yet to read one where the hero was Jewish.

•Noah’s name. It fits. It’s different.

•I liked that you showed Noah driving the car…as in turning right before replying. It’s a small thing, but still….

•Some of it is genes. (:D)

What I didn’t like:

•There are quite a few typos and places where I thought the punctuation was wrong, but they seem to almost disappear after I got further and further into the chapter.

•There were some spots where the wording confused me.

•There were several places where ‘break’ (as in water break) was spelled ‘brake’.

•Point had decided to do Emerald, although, they modified it to avoid point work. (I’m guessing the second ‘point’ in the sentence refers to a sort of dance technique? This problem also occurs in other spots where the group name and my next to nothing knowledge of ballet techniques collide. An Author’s Note at the end of the chapter explaining the different techniques would be great.)

• I had seen the ballet so many times, because it was one of the ballets I could get five dollar tickets to go see, I could practically dance it in my sleep. (You have a run on here, due to punctuation.)

•Hippo’s doing ballet were funny. (Get rid of the apostrophe.)

• This way, I figured, they can talk about me with it being terribly obvious. (WithOUT. I think you can also delete the ‘it’ and keep the meaning the same.)

•“You knew, didn’t you?” I looked up to find the source of the voice. Noah leaned on the opposite wall. I had been so focused on my shoes, I had not noticed him. “Don’t tell me that you didn’t,” I replied bitterly. I fished a stick of gum out of my bag and popped it in my mouth. I stood up and started out the door. (Wait, what? I’m not altogether sure what they’re talking about)

•I shook my head, unconsciously. I had finished my homework already, but I did not want him to know that. “I have, um, work to do . . .” (Same reaction as above, but I think my problem is with the word “unconsciously)

•“No,” I realized he thought I might have an eating disorder, “No.” I shook my head, “I eat just fine.” (why two nos?

•I shrugged, “I like it. It is my time for me,” when I was his incredulous look I added, “No, really. I just like the forms and the songs. I have no desire to perform.” (Might want to change the comma after me into a period. *looks at the next few words*

•Or tell me what your family thinks of how the Linnburgs represent Jews the country over?” (…)

•and I’d prefer if you kept that I play piano to yourself.” (How about changing ‘kept’ to ‘keep the fact’ instead?)

•“Don’t anyone ever tell you that you aren’t blunt, Ruthie.” (I’m not to sure what he’s trying to say, that ‘don’t’ is throwing me off.)

•Ballet shoes were not exactly expensive, for dance shoes, but they were not cheep either. (Cheap)

•For chapter breaks, a nice big space with few ‘* * *’ or a ‘~*~ ‘ would’ve done just fine.

•I shook my head in disbelief. She knew about point. (She’s talking about the group Point right?)

•“I practiced, once I learned the dances last week.” (…..)

I think that’s pretty much it. Off to enjoy chapter 2.
I Quoth Nevermore chapter 7 . 7/7/2007
Lovely chapter. I liked the newspaper clipping part. Nothing here was confusing. Sorry if I'm a bit daft like that. I like the relationship between Ruth and Noah, how she is intent on just being friends. It's brilliant. The parts with Isaac are great too. Their conflict makes this all the more interesting. And how Ruth is so crazy about taking medicine on time just makes her feel more real. Love this!

Please update soon!
spunkypumpkin chapter 7 . 7/4/2007
Yes, I think an extra scene before the first Point practice would help show Noah's interest, though it isn't necessarily needed. Like I said in my previous review, while I didn't understand Noah's interest in Ruth at first, I did later in the story. In truth, that's precisely what drew me in to continue reading your story-the fact that I was wondering why Noah was so intent on being closer to Ruth. I love the way you've set the story up, especially once I read it all the way through. It makes sense to me.

And my thoughts on the story since this newest chapter: your story absolutely amazes me with how many levels of plot it has going on, what with the romantic aspects (or some could argue lack thereof, if one doesn't count Cole and Peter), Ruth's eating disorder, and the mystery that is commonly known as the male mind. Again, I'm really enjoying the way you've set the story up.

I'm looking forward to your next chapter!
Elfish Suicide chapter 7 . 7/3/2007
I was kidding. I don't hurt good writers for fear they stop updating(wink-wink) This is a lovely, awesome story and I am in love and you should update soon, bcause I said so. So please update. And review my story, The Love of a Messenger.
spunkypumpkin chapter 6 . 6/30/2007
When I first began reading your story, parts of the plot made me wary-it just didn't seem that realistic that Noah would go so far as to steal Ruth's bag on a constant basis just to get her to be around him. Also, it just seemed as though he had started having a crush on her out of nowhere.

My opinion, however, changed as I continued to read. I stepped aside and anazlyzed the situation, and I realized that the characters were all fleshed out perfectly: Noah, a polititian used to getting what he wants, using whatever means to do so: stubborn, and unused to losing to the point of self deprecation; and Ruth, more of an introverted soul who is used to restricting her inhibitions, though, like all normal people, can get thrown off on occasion.

It took me a while, but the charms of your story have disarmed all my defenses. It's a fun read and I look forward to your next update. I have it on my Story Alert list.
Ice and Snow chapter 6 . 6/19/2007
love it love it love it! VERY original. But the best thing...I love how long your chapters are! Keep it going! Very rough around the edges. Sometimes very confusing. But it keeps it interesting xD
phelps112 chapter 6 . 6/19/2007
so she's back on pointe and doing a solo with noah and cole. what a change. why are they so concerned about her weight? if she is dancing more, doesn't that mean that she's going to lose more because she's excersising? and was it really peter's cousin?
Elfish Suicide chapter 6 . 6/18/2007
This is one of the bestest stories i've ever read, and i bet cha a bunch a people are still reading it. Don't u dare stop updating bcause if u do i will hurt u. capeshe? Good, and Update quickly. Please and thank you.
Reflection Unseen chapter 6 . 6/18/2007
You are quite welcome!

I love your characters, and their relationships with one another are certainly intriguing. What confuses me about your story is that I can't really tell where it is going. It seems a bit... random. The plot is somewhat murky at this point. Is that intentional?

So yes, I like your characters. They're hilarious, and very realistic. I don't know if I like yor plot because I don't really know what it is. Is the politician thing the central conflict? It seems to me that the politician thing is the least of Ruth's problems. Does that become more important later?

I'd like it if you continued. I'd like to see where it's going, and see if Ruth will ever get over her... issues (as amusing as they are). If you feel that you're wasting your time writing, then stop. Don't write for your readers. Write for yourself. Basically, you shouldn't really base that decision off of your readers. Do what you want.

Sorry if I sound hostile or critical. Or like I'm lecturing. I don't mean to. Really.
190 | « Prev Page 1 .. 8 9 10 11 12 .. Last Next »