Reviews for One Man's Journey Through Death
writewithcourage chapter 1 . 6/11/2009
thank you for reviewing my poem, and it helped.

as for your first chapter, it is very interesting. i look forward to reading more. :)
LunasDarkSpirit chapter 4 . 6/8/2009
A very interesting story, combining the fictional with the psychological. As a Psychiatry student I noticed many mental situations surrounding the main character. Personally, I think you should get inside the main character's feeling a bit more. You express very well his thoughts but feelings such as fear are expressed superficially. I look foward to reading more of your story.
Magdalena Blackheart chapter 4 . 6/3/2008
I found your story very intriguing. I love how you chose such a topic and made it entirely your own. I didn't know what to expect as I began reading , but you definitely sucked me in as your character went from place to place (loved the bakery scene!), while meeting other unique characters along the way. Your descriptions and metaphors are excellent and even chilling at times.

The last line was an appropriate cliffhanger, with promises of more to come. I hope you continue with this piece, because you have opened the door to so many more possibilities.
B. J. Winters chapter 4 . 5/28/2008
I liked the last line. Here I could see the transition clearer. It does leave the reader hoping for resolution, which is an effective chapter end. I hope you write more.

Suggestions: The first two paragraphs of this chapter hold a bit of contradition. He's sweating, but it's cold. He can't get his breath, but he's walking. I might reorder this, or pick one extreme or the other to be more consistent. I felt a bit jerked around as a reader and you don't need the variety.

I will admit found it odd (unexpected) that he stayed still and didn't run from the shadows and frightening images. Stunned (got that), tired (got that) but he was running before on a simple command. Once there was confirmation with his own eyes there was something to run from I expected a second flight.

Did you use all five senses? Excuse the oversight if you did, but if I'm right and you haven't touched on smell or taste, this might be a good chapter to add that dimention. I got sight, hearing and touch clearly. But I could see tasting blood, or sweat, or smelling a foul odor of the shadows.
B. J. Winters chapter 3 . 5/28/2008
Reading on.

“Luke,” she repeated. In my confusion I had forgotten she said anything—twice. {actually, she’s said it three times. From a flow perspective, you can loose the first instance}

Let me make one comment on dialogue. You use a lot of one word by one character, followed by one word from the other character. Here it’s “Luke,” “Yes,” etc. In the prior chapter you had the same choppy flow. Maybe it’s intentional, almost a stop/start/skip of a dream, but it was noticeable and made me wonder why you didn’t group the dialogue, rather than repeating the dialogue.

I very much liked the imagery. The idea of the movement of air and then needing to run was good. I’m not sure I see the leap from dream to death. I got dream to nightmare, but I think I needed one more paragraph to see the character get that idea concrete. Did he have some prior notion of what death was? You talk about fear – does fear equal death for him? I’m going to assume yes, but the transition of thought isn’t as good as I think you could make it.
B. J. Winters chapter 2 . 5/28/2008
The prologue was an interesting concept, but a bit short in my opinion. At first I wasn’t sure it was enough to serve the traditional purpose, then I realized that it introduced your main character effectively – so I think you should keep it – but I’m tempted to recommend you either 1) expand it, or 2) integrate it into the first chapter. As it is it just doesn’t seem very substantial/necessary, and you could use it more effectively.

I did enjoy the first chapter. It’s quite creative and unusual. You have something that could be quite cliché and you’ve made it fresh.

Random comments;

It seemed that she was trapped to serve people bread for the rest of her life without a bread {I liked this line, and given the plot it had a bit of double meaning}

I remember one dream I had; I dreamt, I hit a rabbit, and it completely tore me apart. {I don’t think you need the commas. I’d replace the ; with a .}

I glanced at my hands again. Instead of being merely wavy, they had become like two blocks on the end of my arms, and my arms themselves looked animated rather than authentic. {I struggled with this image—blocks? It just didn’t come through clear for me since you refer to them as hands in the next paragraph}

The last paragraph ends a bit awkwardly – I might reorder the last two sentences? Not sure – but ending on a discussion on eyebrows made me wonder what to expect next – it felt dangling…
Means To An End chapter 4 . 2/1/2008
Da ich habe es gelesen, ich muess screibe meine Denken. Now, back to English. You have a fantastic sense of description, which is obvious in every chapter of the story, from the first excerpt to the the final bone-chilling line. You have a great sense of humor, and toyed with an interesting idea, Death during lucid dreaming, or dreaming in general. My only real complaint is the concluding chapter. Even for a dream it had a somewhat disappointing lack of detail or cohesiveness, and you seemed like you were rather rushing to finish the story. Let it gracefully end, the ending is usually the most important part of a piece of writing; there's no point in wrapping an excellent present if the bow doesn't hold it all together. Other than that, semantics, flow, and vocabulary were all superb, no issues there, and the reader can relate very easily with the main character. Also, it was a nice touch pulling a Mark Twain: write what you know. After reading a touch about your experience in Germany, the bakery thing made me grin. Keep on writing good sir.

Cheers
Sarah chapter 4 . 12/23/2007
I really enjoy your writing style. You do a great job at wording and putting just the right amount of detail in. Your dialog is wonderful, too. I'm envious, I always have problems with it. Your story is very intriguing.

Honestly, I don't like the narrator so far. He seems very empty, and it makes the story feel like I'm going on an amazing trip with a boring tour guide. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because your story isn't really long enough to make a good judgment.
ladyglaze chapter 2 . 12/3/2007
I really like how you portrayed his dream. This is very interesting. :) You have a great writing style.
ladyglaze chapter 1 . 12/3/2007
This is a very interesting idea. I wouldn't have come up with it myself. :) I can't wait to see where you go with this.
Ellie Aime chapter 4 . 11/28/2007
I've been waiting eagerly for this, and you have not disappointed me. This story is consistantly satisfying, each chapter builds to a peak of interest and wraps up nicely, and I am always ready to read the next chapter.

Great job.

(one more thing; 'wolves' not 'wolfs')
justaguy chapter 3 . 4/13/2007
Sorry, I have not dropped a line to you in a while. As always, I love reading what you write. I do not claim to be a writer. I just do it mainly for me, but you make me want to write. I read your words and I taste them in my mouth. I breath what the person breathes in your story.

A publishing company would be a fool not to grab anything that you write and not make it number one on their list.

I long for the day that I see your name in print and I say that I know you. (Please, this is not a ploy to get you to make any comment back to me. I am just a fan. Always.)
Kohlomere chapter 3 . 3/26/2007
Heya, thanks for looking at my work. This is most interesting. Your narrative flows spectacularly. Great job, keep it up, E.
Ellie Aime chapter 3 . 3/24/2007
Wow! now that was incredibly scary. I'm loving this story. I do have a question... "and irritating in their simplicity and vagueness"... I don't get this, to me it didn't fit with the rest of the sentence. Other than that, great job!
CHIIJOY chapter 3 . 3/21/2007
Chilling and effective. I like how you built up the scene where he figures out he is dead instead of just jumping into the plot without the explanation. However, he seems too aware of what is happening even if he is looking back.

"I knew this was all literally a figment of my imagination.."

I think that it would be scarier if he was more lost instead of smart about it since it is death, an essential mystery. He should appear more shocked in my opinion.
25 | Page 1 2 Next »