|Reviews for Short Stories OLD|
| Tytherpol chapter 2 . 5/30/2007
first i'll get the silly gramar stuff out of the way. i'm not great at grammar, believe me, but i do a a tenth grade education (even if it's just from an american public high school). okay...
-1st sentence should probably be a semicolon instead of a comma.
-"No amount of rest or food would either, even if its mother insisted just this." -is a little awkward in its structure. it is usually said 'food or rest,' and 'or' should be 'nor' (i think), and the mother insisted part would probably sound better as 'as his mother insisted,' or something like that, you know?
-4th sentence is a fragment, but i adore sentence fragments, so i won't complain. [:
-it would add more meaning (5th sentence) if you said sometihng other than repeating 'nest-mates.' you know, made the reader think a little more. even if you just said something like siblings or something. i don't know, it just sounds kind-of more simple than it has to be.
-and the middle of the fifth sentence is funny also 'wing as a human.' i mean, it sounds more artistic, maybe, but it would be more correct re-phrased. w/e.
-'...broken wing, she was...' (just add a comma)
-i like the diction chioce in 7th sentence. 'small, fragile, ducked, tidy.' great discreet incorporation of your opinions/bias' whatever.
-but, 'the' mother?... very cool. i love the detatchedness. smart.
-the last few sentences of the paragraph are nice. honest. (i like the sentence fragment haha), but uh the 'her' in the last sentence (though, duh, you mean the chick) is unclear, meaking it incorrect, grammar-wise.
-again, damn, so many 'nest-mates;' i, personally, would have changed them to make it mean more, but idk w'e.
-(i like the 2nd sent., 2nd par.)
-and i like the 3rd sentence (fragment), too. though, i admit, it is a little awkward, and it may be better re-worded.
-(3rd par,) 1st sent., 'finality to' should be 'finality of,' i think, or something about making it fit. idk, i taugh it to myself last week, but i don't remember the exact terminology of how to fix it. but i'm pretty sure it's supposed to be changed. not positive, though.
-oh, and (1st sent. still), there should be a comma after 'thoughts.'
-2nd sent., there should be a comma after 'left,' and i feel that there should be a period after 'limply behind her,' and you should just start a new sentence with 'with a click...' oh, and comma after 'skyward.'
-paragraph ends cool. of course the grammar's not right, but i'm not sure how to fix it. i kinda prefer it raw anyway, how it is, you know.
-i don't feel like fixing the rest of it.
-really sweet ending.
holy fuck that is the most work i've ever done.
please feel honored, though i'm probably way wrong on a lot of my corrections.
idk, i'm not that great at this stuff, but uh it's a pretty cool story.
please forgive me if i'm wrong. at least i tried, right?
anyway, keep writing.
it's not that uncool, and you're pretty good.