Reviews for doctor's office, 2 pm
for shame chapter 1 . 6/26/2009
this is amazing, how everything seems to lead up to the end, the final shocker.

the way you worded the last line was very, very clever - it was dangerously close to sounding awkward. if you had not had such great diction, it surely would have had a much less profound effect.
fairytale failure chapter 1 . 7/2/2007
I love the images of the doctor's office, the girl and the mother, and the way you brought it together at the end. Also I liked the format, the way you carried the thoughts from one line to another. That was nice.
Hilmary-Oceans chapter 1 . 6/20/2007
Beautiful, first I read the poem, and then I read the reviews, and I really did not understand what the last blow was. Until I read the last line again and it took me away. Wow. Really a complete paradigm shift.


Sophia Feros chapter 1 . 5/19/2007
You make it so real, and it's incredible. "her foot stamps beat along with her ipod, surely stuffed full with the sounds of fall out boy and panic!"

Also, as a response to your review, for "Oh teacher, you turn me on" I was on quite a rampage and I felt like being crazy and immature. I must assure you, for my own sanity, I am far from immature, or have juvenile tendencies. I too have a strong dislike for rhyming and you'll see, if you check out my other poem, I don't use it. I'm sure you didn't mean to come across as in calling me 'immature'or 'vulgar.' But, I insist on clarifying so there are no hazy thoughts! Once again, you have brilliant work.
felicia13 chapter 1 . 5/5/2007
Aww. Sad, but true.

In the first stanza, I like the contrast of salmon gum and raspberry mouth. Gross combination, but a good color contrast.

... I like Fall Out Boy and Panic! ...

The last line is quite powerful.

"for a child to be burdended

with child is no reason to smile" Pretty great.

drippingdreams chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
I almost saw that coming, but not quite. Splendid.

"for a child to be burdened / with a child is no reason to smile, so she doesn't" was just phenomenal.

She seemed so young, but trying to be so grown up, snapping her gum and reading elle and listening to fallout boy on her ipod. I got the impression that she was a growing-up-too-fast 12-year-old. I love the description of her as an "origami girl." I wonder what shape she'd be, and who folded her that way.
in tesseraction chapter 1 . 3/26/2007
Yikes, that last part just socked me in the stomach. It gives the triviality of the rest of the poem a poignant meaning, like the consequences this girl faces change the nature of the actions that led up to it. Well done.
Ajna chapter 1 . 3/20/2007
A lovely series of observations! This is a great example of how mundane things can be turned in to extraordinary, beautiful art. Wonderful!
Kicking Poe chapter 1 . 3/19/2007
naturally I love the "origami girl." so fluid and containing a certain depth that few poets have mastered...a microcosm, like life condensed. cheers.
she smolders chapter 1 . 3/19/2007
This just about blew me away. You make your characters sound so real that I feel like I know this girl personally now. Take care.
theCoffeeEnzyme chapter 1 . 3/19/2007
Oh my goodness! Breathtaking. This piece blew my mind. lol

I began reading, kind of lost at first but, as I continued, things became more clear and I began to smile a bit thinking "Ok, cute. It's about a wait for the doctor, disturbed by an annoying kid. Funny."

But, the last line completely shattered view of things. Wow. Very poignant. Suddenly, things all made sense: the mother, waiting for results, and the diction all became very clear and the girl suddenly tansformed from an annoying kid to something completely different. Something I could empathize with and still, for some reason, loathe.

The piece was written expertly. Exceptionally nice work.
Ashelin chapter 1 . 3/18/2007
I had a feeling that it was about teenage pregnacy at the beginning, but you made the first part of the poem so...not childish, but you didn't give away the meaning. I thought this was totally beautiful, and the last lines [more like stanza] was absolutely wonderful. Excellent job.