|Reviews for Strong to Save|
| Overlord Sexmuffin chapter 14 . 8/17/2008
Great job, I couldn't stop reading. It was worth it though, all in all they were both slipping but I agreed with Evan.
| Reaper chapter 14 . 5/10/2007
And in the space of an hour...KABANG! I finish this with only one word. EPIC! Totally unrealistic with the whole idea of kids killing one another and so forth, but then again, without unrealism, everything would be plain, and simple...and stupid. This however was colourful, complex and smart.
Keep the writing rolling,
P.S. How many of the kids actually survived? And how many were there in the beginning? Either you were vague on that part, or my eyes were blind when I read it.
| Bob Evans chapter 14 . 5/2/2007
To start, let me say that I enjoyed the way this plot turned out. I was very exicted to see how everything was explained, and enjoyed the climax of the story.
However, I was a bit confused, mostly about Evan. First you made him up to be a character we would hate, then towards the end you tried to make him look like he was once a great leader (even though he proved quite effectively that he was terrible). Finally, you just made him crazy althogether, but I can understand that with the way both him and Shannon acted at the very end.
I can't really see the kids simply murdering each other that easily. Maybe if you'd made them all teens it would've made more sense, but not quite as children. The concept was good, however. There was one last thing that bothered me about the children, and that was they believed everything too easily. Wouldn't it be just as easy to figure that Evan or Shannon was just as easily lying even when they promised they were telling the truth?
Your methode of writing could use improvement, but I think plot and information all around are good. It was just the way you delivered it that could use some work. Try not to make the narrator tell us everything.
In conclusion, a good story plot-wise, but the way you expressed it and your characters could use some work. I expect to see more writing from you, though, because I can see plenty of potential.
So as always, keep writing!
P.S. Let me remind you though that none of us here at Fiction Press are in anyway near-perfect, so do not hesitate to point out my mistakes as well.
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 14 . 4/27/2007
i liked the end of the story a lot, it was left a bit open ended though, because i wanted to know IF they get home or just die on the ship..and also what events occur until their fate is sealed. Either way, i did like the story though. While reading your second preview, i actually pictured it like an RPG. I can't wait to read the actual story. Don't forget to send me the link to the new story when you post the first chapter.
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 13 . 4/26/2007
i must say, for being stabbed in the chest, evan does have a strong will. at least he neutralized the final threat before dying...
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 12 . 4/22/2007
now i think both evan AND shannon are insane...
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 11 . 4/20/2007
dude, i'm actually liking Evan now. He's now taking action. He's making sure that the last possible threat is neutralized before he gets thrown overboard. He doesn't realize it but he's taking a somewhat leadership role and is taking action against someone.
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 10 . 4/18/2007
if i was evan, i would demand an appeal or something. besides, i did find a major hole in the story. the jury may call the defendant guilty or innocent but they are never allowed to sentence someone, that is the judges job. Also, Shannon is fully within her rights as a judge to declare a mistrial. but other than that, i did like the traitors part.
| Cinera chapter 1 . 4/18/2007
I like the preview; it was clever. I'm interested. It seems the kids were pretty calm about all the parents being dead. Maybe their still in shock. But it's a nice beginning.
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 9 . 4/16/2007
this chapter actually filled me with sorrow for both Dan and Nikki..
| Zutara Livs On chapter 9 . 4/15/2007
There's a lot of ways this story could be improved, but, at the same time, a lot of ways it is perfect how it is. Yes, I do agree that it seems a bit unrealistic, but that could be only since you haven't dug too far into the characters yet. I get that you've got plans to unravel it all in future chapters, so I'll wait it out before I name any complaints, but you deserve some compliments, too. This one's got everyone on the edge of their seats, gasping at the start of every chapter, and wincing with every twist and turn. Lots of props for that. And the dialogue is very believable, too, just add more details outside of the conversation. So, all in all, this is one great read so far, and I honestly can't wait for updates!
| Bob Evans chapter 8 . 4/13/2007
I'm slightly confused. Several aspects of this story are starting to come together, but they seem so unrealistic. And come to think of it, besides what's happened on the ship, we know nothing else about your characters. Plus, some of the actions your characters take don't seem real.
And why haven't any of them been distressed about their current situation? Their parents died, but they don't seem emotionally disturbed at all. Maybe Evan's character could be that way, but not everybody.
And since when did Shannon get this dark? All the motive to overthrow Evan as an evil leader didn't occur till after her "supposed" death. It's almost like you've taken the name Shannon, and given it to a completely different character that is still alive.
I was also shocked that none of the kids tried to prevent Kate's death. At least one child would've said something.
There's a lot of good tension and plot here, but the details and characters need some major work, and I would suggest some refinement in their overall motives. Each chapter the characters seem to be after something...different.
I know this sounds pretty critizing, so I must once again apologize. You've got a story; you just need to do some work to it.
| Bob Evans chapter 4 . 4/13/2007
I am shocked. Too shocked for words.
How can Evan be so flippin' stupid? Kate-is-nine-years-old. How could a little kid like that kill a 16 year old? And it doesn't make sense either. He's elected himself dictator for life, and chosen some random person to be the murderer, who clearly couldn't have done it. Unless those other kids revolt, I fear that Evan's stupidity will kill them all. Perhaps that's what got Shannon killed.
This is good, actually. You've created a character who the audiance can be frustrated with, and plot tension that we're desperately trying to see how it's resolved. I want to keep reading, and see how far this goes.
| Sheila chapter 8 . 4/12/2007
Sorry if I come off terribly harsh, but I think you could use some constructive criticism:
Parts of this story seem VERY unrealistic.
The children seem to be having a vacation, going along buisness as usual, even after their parents and numerous other people have just DIED! Why aren't they mourning? No one seems to be in a state of shock, panic, or grief! A large group of children are stranded on a cruise ship in the middle of God-only-knows where with limited supplies, no way to contact the outside world, no directions whatsoever, but no one really seems to care? There's no really thinking about survival among the older kids, no planning, no rationing supplies, or coming together to figure out a solution. It's just kinda willy-nilly.
There's no real character development. Who are these children? Why should I care about them? Why don't they react to anything and just go along like little drones? How do they feel about their current circumstances? Why do they do the things they do? How do they feel about the other children?
Why the hell are all the children apparently murderous sociopaths?
Additionally, I doubt that TV and electricity would still be intact. A huge storm totally devastated the ship, yet everything seems to be a-okay?
The children have A LOT of worry about. Running out of food, where they are going, dealing with the deaths, generators failing, civil disarray, and other survival issues. Why not delve deeply into those? You could create a lot of interesting situations!
You've got a great premise here and a lot of work with, but a great premise isn't enough to make a great story.
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 8 . 4/11/2007
WHOA! plot twist times 50! that really did shock me a ton. geez, i feel bad for kate who died innocently..