|Reviews for Strong to Save|
| gummybearmurder chapter 8 . 4/11/2007
Oh wow. Good story; good chapter. Can't wait for more.
| Bob Evans chapter 1 . 4/11/2007
Well the sneak peak made no sense (cuz I have no idea what your planning), but the upside is that when it comes out, I'll read it and go "oh", and everything will make sense. So, never fear, it is all in good timing.
As for the first chapter; yes you used good plot, and as several other reviewers have commented, you did a good job explaining why everything happened the way it happened. It is a plausible situation, so no reality problems.
However, there were a few parts where the details were a little exessive, and you explained a few things any reader could easily pick out. I won't go into detail (as some of your lovely reviewers have already made a few examples), but I would suggest that perhaps you let events flow naturally, and let the course of events naturally explain everything. If it gets too confusing in some parts, you can always go back and edit later, or add further detail later on explaining why this happened here.
Finally, I think you introduced your characters in a bizarre fashion. I have no complaints about the characters themselves, but you referred to them through most of this chapter as "the children". It felt kinda like watching a movie, not yet knowing anyone, and simply watching events play out. This is a story, so let us get down and inside some of our character's heads (of course, you could already be doing this further in, and I being a fool, am telling you this before reading the rest of the story).
I'm gonna keep reading, and see for myself how you've developed them. I apologize if I sound like I'm critizing your work; I intend no harsh feelings, and just want to suggest improvement. I'll check in again soon, but until then; Keep writing!
| KH.Lee chapter 7 . 4/8/2007
Thats a rlly kool story line, and i like ur style of writting
keep it up!
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 6 . 4/5/2007
good chapter. its sad how Kate was locked up. I'm really starting to not like Evan right now, but I'm sure things will change.
| NightWing23 chapter 4 . 4/2/2007
Well, the idea is a good one, but the way the characters are acting is really puzzling me. Why were all the little kids so calm after finding out that their parents were dead? If the trial for Shannon's murder is the first go with the trial, what happened to the two baseball fans, the two thirteen year olds, that were the reason Evan came up with it? I thought they were the first use of the trial. What's the matter with Evan? He always has to be right, isn't really that smart at all, but somehow is up all night thinking about his argument with Shannon? Why would anyone want to kill Shannon at all? There's zero motive and the description of her doesn't give us much chance to figure it out (but that could have been the point, I suppose.) Why in the world does Evan think that Kate did it? There's no motive and he just as easily could have left his room and killed Shannon. It's just his word against Nina's or Kate's. Who died (pun only a little intended) and left him supreme commander of the boat? Certainly there's other kids that don't think that Kate did it? How long have they been on the ship before the storm and have any of the kids become friends? Are we going to get any background on who they are, where they're from, if anyone has realized that the (cruise, I'm assuming?) ship with who knows how many people on it has fallen off the map? It's not my intention to flame. I like the idea and I like the way your cliffhangers leave it impossible not to click to the next chapter. I just wish the characters were a little bit more believable? (Then again, it is only the fourth chapter, I suppose) Anyway. There's my two cents' worth. Cheers and please add another chapter!
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 4 . 4/2/2007
in my opinion, im not saying change it, but Evan is being very biased at the current situation. I wish he would realize what the consequence was if he punished one when the killer was another. But a good chapter non the less (however you say it haha)
| majormeggie chapter 3 . 3/27/2007
| Zure chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
I must warn you now that I can come across as very harsh in my reviews. I'm sorry if I unintentionally act like a major jerk in this review. Now that I've warned you I might as well do some hardcore reviewing.
I like that you have a relatively different plot from those found on fp. That's always good.
I can see from your writing that you seem to be more of a plot-based author, or at least, you remind me of the way I write, and I think of myself as a plot-based author. Anyway, that's beside the point.
Anyway, I think you may need to modify your reason as to why only the children survive. It can be a really big turnoff for a reader to feel like the author is just expecting them to believe a story even if they think it isn't plausible. Instead i suggest that the reason centers on chance rather than safety protocol. Perhaps the adults had been partaking in an adults-only party or something and the children were being taken care of near in the activities room (which had originally been designed as a safety room). or something like that.
BTW. Have you read Lord of the Flies? I think, if you look it up, you'll find that the author, William Golding, never provides an explanation as to how only the children survive the crash.
I think that you may need to work on your narration style, I find that while reading your piece I can almost hear you in my head saying "see, that's why this happened, and that will happen" and it feels like you're pointing these things out really explicitly. But the thing is, I like to pretend that I'm and intelligent reader so I read with the intention of picking up these clues, which means you don't have to make them stick out.
let me explain... Imagine some old grandparent reading your story aloud, and then imagine someone else interrupting the narration with the stuff that I've but in [brackets]
-The vicious storm pounded the side of the Marvel, [one of the top rated cruise liners in the industry].
-A swarm of adults, [all over eighteen years old],
Hopefully that explains what I'm saying. Just think of it as jerking the reader out of the moment.
I'd really like to see more interaction and more psychological development where Shannon and Evan are involved. They sound somewhat far away, if you just look at their reactions it's as if no one cares that their parents might be/are dead.
"Evan and Shannon, the two oldest of the group, stepped into the center of the group, and everyone else stood back a few feet, as if the two were expected to make some big announcement."
I found this out of the blue. I really, really can't see this happening this fast. Why aren't they panicking? why aren't they weeping? why doesn't anyone even investigate? how do they know that they're the oldest one's in the group? why are the both synchronized in thought though they haven't actually discussed and figured out that they should both help out?
I mean, if i just took their reactions as is I would be thinking that this was all planned.
Augh, I feel as though I haven't made any of my points clear...
If you understand what I'm trying to say, that's great. If not...it's okay.
Well, happy writing.
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 2 . 3/25/2007
things are starting to get more chaotic. This story kind of reminds me of Lord Of The Flies. Kids trying to survive, no parents around (in this case, they all died), now there is civil conflict. I like how things are turning out in this story.
| Pyro Emo Punk chapter 1 . 3/21/2007
I must say, a very eventful opener to a story, i like that a lot. Also, the teaser has me pumped to read your other major project as soon as you start it. Be sure to send me the link when you start posting chapters for that too. But on the subject of the story at hand, very well written and very eventful, i liked it a lot. good job.
| FreakierThanThou chapter 1 . 3/21/2007
Confused! Was the sneak peek all at the same time? Whatever.
Otherwise very good, I like the idea of the two children having to take charge, and your explanation worked, rather than have just "Oh, the adults all randomly died and the kids survived for no apparent reason."
One thing that kind of bothered me, well, two were these: When you introduce the main characters, they say each other's names a little too often, to show them to us. I can understand Evan saying Shannon's name, but the others were a little odd. This is a story, not a movie. You can let the narrator explain.
The other was when you referred to Shannon as having a 'typical teenage girl voice,' it seemed a little random. She's just found a bunch of dead people, we should hear more about how she felt, rather than her voice. And I'm not sure what a typical teenage girl voice is supposed to sound like, any better description?
I loved Evan taking charge, I have a feeling I'm really going to like his character.