|Reviews for And Wind Makes Fire Dance|
| m. b. whitlock chapter 2 . 1/23/2014
I like the ways the brothers are developing as characters in this chapter. Mheer contrasts well with Aridan and Jael, being all brown and dull against their brightness.
I like how you describe him here:
"He was forty something, average height and drove a silver-grey sedan." Even his car is dull.
like this too:
"Aridan knew his brother was hearing every word, and what's more would remember it when he needed to." It makes me even more curious about Jael.
like the part below a lot as well:
"All grey buildings stacked like a kid's set of blocks; slums with hookers on the corners, and teens trying to look cool in junk jewelry and torn jean jackets." Really gives the reader a sense of the place and the people 'stuck' there.
Really like the description and concept of the underground 'apartment':
"The walls were painted a dull beige, but at least it wasn't grey or peeling wallpaper."
And the last line is great:
"Ari, this is just too cool." If Jael thinks this place is cool, what's uncool?
| m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 1/21/2014
I am really enjoying this story so far. You do a great job creating a believable world of bleak greyness. I like how the brothers stand out visually yet no one assumes their tan skin and vibrant clothes obscure clandestine abilities.
I know this story is complete and you probably aren't planning to do any revisions, but I have a few notes, in case they are any use to you:
I like this:
"It never failed to amaze Aridan how his younger brother could sleep absolutely anywhere." Great character detail (for both Aridan and Jael).
There are a few places where you use extra words you don't need. You might want to consider some edits just to trim and streamline the language. Here's an example:
"He was blissfully unaware of the dullness permeating through the car." Nice imagery here but you don't need 'through'. A simple trim like, 'He was blissfully unaware of the dullness permeating the car' might work a little bit better. :)
"Commuters, as he thought. To them it was probably no less boring, but at least routine." We know Aridan is thinking all these thoughts so 'as he thought' isn't necessary.
You could cut out some words here too:
"He and Jael were well and firmly stuck in the cities. They were well and firmly stuck in Mackram's employ." If you wanted, you could go with 'He and Jael were stuck in the cities. They were stuck in Machram's employ.'
These suggestions are really just a matter of style. I like how much the bleakness 'permeates' every aspect of the story, which is why a slightly more simple and streamlined style seems appropriate to me.
like this a lot:
"Bright lines of fluorescent lights streaked along the streets, cutting the dim buildings into thin strips and were the only sources of color to be found."
like this too:
"Nothing ever changed, the bums moved around but never left the city altogether, never got a real place to live. Kinda like the two of them, he thought with a mental sigh."
Little confused here. Are you missing a word?:
"Just a t-shirt and jeans, but without the pall of from the ever present smog that covered everyone else."
Really great start. On to chapter 2!
| panultimate chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
Cool names :)
| CnConrad chapter 6 . 7/16/2012
These guys sure seem pretty Naive for "enforcers" story is pretty good, interesting world and good concept.
But, biggest issue is the two main characters.
They seem like kids some times.
1) They acted like they would kill the girl out in the open.
2) They gave her their real names.
3) They drove her back to their hideout without blindfolding her.
4) They are going to trust her to tell them this deep dark secret that she could simply lie about. Then call it even.
| drazer434 chapter 3 . 2/19/2010
This chapter seemed to wander somewhat. I won't say it was pointless - because it wasn't - but the whole thing sifting through the emails etc. on the laptop did seem a bit...unnecessary. Again I like the way you manage to bring out the two personalities of Aridan and Jael and the way they interact is ok, though they seem to act less like brothers here.
Also Mackram isn't anywhere near as intimidating as I though he would be. The snide remark is good, but it was almost as if he was built up to be this shadowy, evil, intimidating crime boss and he isn't. I'm not really sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a good thing. Again I didn't find any mistakes, though I think in some cases you used a comma instead of a semi-colon (but my grasp of complicated grammar is tenuous so I could be wrong.)
| drazer434 chapter 2 . 2/19/2010
Another very good chapter. It had me asking myself a whole bunch of questions about why they were being sent on that job and what else is going on that they don't know (which is great, I love stories that make me think "what's going on here that we don't know?")
You've also begun to bring out the characters of Aridan and Jael (especially Jael) which is great and they're already beginning to endear themselves to me (again especially Jael, though I'm not really sure why.) I like your writing style - it is clear and uses a limited amount of words carefully, but to great effect (something that I struggle to do) - and paints a really clear picture of what's gonig on.
Though just a thought, perhaps explore other senses when you're writing. You've done sight but, as far as I can tell, that is the only one you use. But overall it is very good. And I can't find any mistakes either!
| drazer434 chapter 1 . 2/19/2010
I really enjoyed this chapter. It is a great introduction, gives us little hints and tidbits without divulging too much information to be boring. There is a definite sense of building up to something here, but the ending is a bit of anticlimax - a bit too abrupt really, but it's just a little thing. I also like your description - it is clear and enjoyable to read and it doesn't slow down the story by being too "flowery." Although I think that description can never be too flowery really, I mean there's nothing wrong with a bit of description to light up the story. But I digress.
I also liked the reptition of grey. It really forces home how "grey" the city is without becoming too repetitive. You also manage to make it feel "solid" (for want of a better word) and real I suppose. There are also no mistakes that I could find here, which is excellent.
| Night Innocence chapter 38 . 12/21/2009
Very good fiction. :)
It's quite dramatic and you paint a good picture of a gray world where it's almost hopeless for the exiled magic users.
I hope you post more soon!
| Tawny Owl chapter 29 . 8/3/2009
It feels like the plot is speeding up a bit now.
I like the way you have made the three knew characters all different and interesting. Especially Daira – mostly ‘cos it’s good to see another girl – but I like the contrast of the sharpness and the fading in and out of the background. It makes her feel like there’s more going on than you see on the surface.
| Tawny Owl chapter 28 . 8/3/2009
Caster could be as equally fun as Gritter, what with the smart, brusque mouth. And being able to sniff out liars – I wonder if that’s linked to his magic in anyway?
And there are actually whole communities living beneath the city? That’s very science fiction, and I enjoyed the way you set up a completely different atmosphere to the one where they were being chased by the police. This place seems to have more of an interaction to the world above, and yet it really seemed like a part of society that had slipped through the cracks almost.
The bit with the rain was brilliant – the wonder and then the disappointment almost because it was dirty and brackish.
I did spot a couple of spelling mistakes in the later paragraphs. they didn't have to exhaustively proove their intentions to him – I think you only need one o. and ‘and dissapeared back into the room she'd come out of. One s and two p.
| The Lucy Program chapter 6 . 7/30/2009
Once again, your names are quite unique and fascinating. Faolani… I really like the creativity behind your character’s names. I was almost confused for a moment when Jael was driving the car; lol, I was still under the impression that Jael’s like, thirteen. Perhaps you could make his age a bit clearer earlier in the story…?
I do like the way you’ve cultivated this world, using basic human xenophobia to drive the terrors that have taken place. It’s realistic, considering most of the horrors of our history is based off of that same xenophobia. Applying it here makes for a more relateable world, albeit a scary one I wouldn’t want to visit. :] You’re very creative.
| The Lucy Program chapter 5 . 7/30/2009
I liked how you stopped the chapter. A cliffhanger is always good for keeping a reader's interest. And again, your descriptions are very nice (I don't blame Jael; I hate the smog too lol) and I like how the brothers' relationship is still consistent, realistic, and relateable.
| The Lucy Program chapter 4 . 7/30/2009
I feel like the big huge paragraph on gloves was unnecessary and a few sentences would've sufficed. Better yet, maybe incorporate more info about the gloves, if they're truly of that much importance, in pieces throughout the chapter or story.
You've still got some grammar issues here and there, and sometimes your sentences feel slippery. A few more commas every now and then can help eliminate that feeling.
| The Lucy Program chapter 3 . 7/30/2009
You have a few grammar issues where at the end of a dialogue, you have a period where a comma should be. You also are missing periods in places. It makes for a slightly sloppy read.
I still like your characters and the way you write; it makes for an interesting read. I don't really like the big huge paragraphs because it's tough to get through, but that could just be me, too.
| The Lucy Program chapter 2 . 7/30/2009
The relationship between Jael and Ari is very realistic. Ari plays protective, responsible older brother well, as does Jael in his role of younger, act-before-thinking brother.
Your names are really unique, too. Mheer sounds some kind of Arabian or Middle-eastern, and Jael and Aridan are just cool. Gives your story a little more spice than if their names were Bob, Bill, and Jerry.