|Reviews for The Life of a Teenage Boy|
| Reikou Hikari chapter 2 . 4/16/2007
Well then, I first want to say thank you for putting An Assassin's Heart on your alert list.
Anyway, I just want to say I love your story. I've read Gravitation before and I just want to say that I adore the character, Lilly. XD She reminds me of me a little. Anyway, I hope you won't follow the Gravitation storyline completely for that would be boring but if you do, I look forward to some twists that differ from the manga/anime.
Looking forward to the next chapter and I hope you'll update soon.
| FoxyGrampa chapter 1 . 4/8/2007
So... this is like... the result of Gravitation and Speedracer getting drunk one day, having sex, and then pooping out a child?
WELL. Let's move on, then.
First off, the dialogue often feels forced and unrealistic.
"-I love this car. It was the first one I ever drove, he explained.
... WHY? I mean, sure, when I'm having fun with my friends, I'm laughing a lot... but if my friend just comments on one mundane thing I'm not going to burst out laughing. It just came off as contrived.
As well, what's up with the dashes? I got seriously confused in some parts because of this. You HAVE to put them in quotations. This is a literary rule. You won't get published, or even taken seriously if you don't properly format your work.
More about your writing itself;
Your words are very bland, and often very blunt. Describing the fast cars as "going by fast as well" does not exactly come off as vivid imagery. There are better words to choose than that.
"He saw a tall man, maybe twenty years old. His hair was totally black and went under his ears. And his eyes were blue as ice. He was tall and good looking."
The words are dull. The words are immature. ("totally"?) Try something more along the lines of:
"In front of him was a tall, dark haired man. His hair was jet black, glistening under the sun/lights, and reached almost down to his shoulders. His eyes were a piercing ice blue."
This shows more feeling and imagery. It's not fantastic, but it's a good improvement from the last sentance, don't you think? I get more from this. I'm *shown* that he's a hot guy, not just *told*.
You just need sentance variation. That's basically sentances that are both complex and well put, and then short and simple ones that are to the point. It's the balance between purple-prose and "see-spot-run".
"The girl uniform were the same as his. But with skirts. Black skirts that ended at the knee. They also had white shirts and a tie. But they had no jackets and they had to wear the same things all the year. Even in the winter."
Utterly bland. With sentance variation, it can come out more as;
"His own clothes were similar to the girls; except they had skirts, of course. Their skirts were a formal black, and ended modestly at the knee. All students wore stuffy white button up shirts and ties."
Obviously I like my adverbs and adjectives, but with them, they sentances are still fine. As well I cut off the completely useless information of the winter uniforms-for one, it makes no sense. If they're in London, I should think it would be damn cold in the winter, and all schools that have uniform policies would give out a generous ammount of winter attire. And even if they don't, it's within the students rights to wear their own coats and crap. So why even bother with the comment? It's not something we need to know. At all.
Your story as a whole... it's just filled with absolutely useless information. A ton of the scenes you have, going back and forth, can all be cut off. We don't need to know what Sean and Lilly were doing while Will was gone; we don't care unless something actually signifigant happens, and nothing does. And the scenes with Will and Chris were even worse-more than half of them could have been cut off. You could've taken the time to develop chemistry between the two, but you don't. They just have awkward conversation, and what was most likely very, VERY awkward sex, just given their usual interactions.
There's also a serious lack of conflict, here. Oh, Will wins the race, instead of being so distracted that he loses it. How great. Oh, Chris is actually reall nice. Super. WHERE'S THE CONFLICT.
You can't depend on this BS "he's a guy!" schmeal. If he slept with him already, that should be the last thing on his mind as something that matters.
As well... just basing your story off of a pre-existing anime, so flagrently, is kind of cheap. You could have developed the idea further-a lot further. Instead of building on it, you kind of knocked it over and were throwing rocks at us, rather than delivering us something solid. By that I mean it was choppy, and lacked an overall POINT. Why should I care about their relationship? Chris isn't even mean. Why should I care about Will and his racecar driving? I didn't even see a dream behind that. Shuichi was constantly talking about his dreams of being a rock star. You couldn't even build from those two main things-Shuichi was a dreamer while Yuki was hardened and bitter. And MEAN. That's the main thing that got to me; it's like you just wanted to recreate Gravi so Yuki would be less hurtful, even though that was kind of the driving force in the conflict in the beginning.
This story is just very flimsy and is lacking a lot. It's a thinly disguised anime clone; I suggest just really, really thinking up some sort of point to go with.
... Btw, why are they even in London? Is it really that big of a place for singers or race car drivers? Neither of the main character boys are British, so I REALLY missed the point of it. In fact, you didn't even give good reason for Will being there. Adoption agencies would probably be more than iffy about sending one of their kids to a whole different continent. You could've explained it a bit more, because that is seriously stuff that people think about and consider. You didn't even really give any great descriptions of the London scenery... none at all, actually. Work on that too.
| Tomiko90 chapter 2 . 4/8/2007
OMG! (fangirl squeal)
I love them! Chirs better NOT be cheating on Will! I'll scream at him if he does!
lol I thought it was so cute when Will was cooking,and when he said "Hmm...is this supposed to be green?" That made me laugh!
And one more thing...OMG! You live in sweden? That's awesome! I'm swedish...only I've lived in America my entire life.
lol, anyways, update soon! This story is...my oxygen!
Is that weird? :D
| Tomiko90 chapter 1 . 4/7/2007
This took me a lonng time to read! But I liked every minute of it! I hope Chris has the same feelings for Will! I'll cry if he doesn't! I like gravitation and it does kind of remind me of it! The ONLY thing that confused me was that you didn't use quotation marks. But other then that, I LOVED IT! Where's the next chapter? I need it! This review is getting a tad long...so I just thought I'd say
Congradulations! You now have a fangirl! And one that will go insane if she doesn't get to read the next chapter :D