|Reviews for Still Waters Run Deep|
| Alisee chapter 8 . 7/25/2009
That was great! Truly an amazing short story. I loved it, though I am still fuzzy on the water-instant-messaging parts. Anyway, bravo!
| Alisee chapter 7 . 7/25/2009
Okay, I know you want to make them eventually fall for each other, but I doubt it happens quite so fast. I could see her being shocked when he kissed her, but not reacting so quickly to it, especially while her mind is still so preoccupied and jumbled with everything that has happened to her. As for Karen and the note Ari left for her, that I'm skeptical of as well. He would have had to have been close to water or some branch of that creek to hear her cry for help, right? Or does this water message thing travel through the air? If he was at school, he wouldn't have been near water unless he was in the bathroom. And if he wasn't at school, he wouldn't have left a note for Karen because he would have been racing to go save her.
| Alisee chapter 6 . 7/25/2009
I thought you were a Twilight fan when you described his room. I immediately thought of Edward's room. Haha.
| Alisee chapter 5 . 7/25/2009
Everyone either seems to be horrified by her situation or in complete understanding of it. Don't me to be so critical, but how people feel is rarely so black and white. Ari's character would seem more believable if he had more depth to him and wasn't so black and white. A normal person would still be bothered about their mother rather than so blase about it. Everyone also keeps saying that they're so surprised that she survived so long. Ari doesn't act surprised. He seems to know exactly what she's been through even though they just met. Granted he was abused as well, but their situations were hardly the same. Also, children who are abused at home can stay at a friend's house legally after their parents fill out paperwork and go through a careful screening and so on so her situation isn't completely hopeless. I hope this helps you in your writing. Sorry if it's too much.
| Alisee chapter 1 . 7/25/2009
That was a lovely ending to such a sad story! It was very well thought out and detailed. The little things matter, I think, in a story. I love how you even described the srunched up position that all us quiet kids sit in on the bus and how it leaves your butt numb. You are an amazing author! Keep up the good work!
| Stars.Shining chapter 8 . 3/14/2009
I love this story. It ended on such a sweet note. A sequal you say? I'm going to it right now. :)
| hail the heartbreakers chapter 6 . 7/11/2008
I absolutely ADORE Twilight!
| Kwote chapter 9 . 6/22/2008
Sunny is Ari's cousin? Why didn't I read this update sooner? Dur. Anyway, I notice you changed her name to Delia, but I will always remember her as Bella! ;). I need to read the rest of Feeding the Fire and remember: Toast is always best when cooked in a pair of size 18 shoes! :o
| MyFriendIsADork chapter 9 . 5/31/2008
You are an awesome writer I really like reading your stories :)
| Solemn Coyote chapter 4 . 5/11/2008
1)"You’re a water elemental, as am I" I'd been half expecting him to be fire, but I guess not. This probably means that a handful of other elementals will be introduced to the story, and that gives the plot a lot of material to work with. Perhaps there'll be a big, non-romantic story-line to follow?
2)"He was lying, I was sure." the problem with modern-day fantasy always lies in getting the characters to accept the impossible. Most authors go with the "I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Okay, now I believe it" method and have their characters make an attempt at denial, but there are some alternatives to consider. If a character wants to believe in something supernatural, she might mix the denial with honest belief. Or, if she's used to acting spur-of-the-moment, she might try to test her powers. Let her emotions go for a minute and see what happens to the forecast. If she's used to being accommodating, she might try to act as if the person she's talking too doesn't sound completely crazy. Basically, the way in which a character comes to terms with their world depends entirely on the personality of the character. Denial is just a common personality trait. Grown-ups practice it all the time.
3)"I gave him Karen’s street and address and we went outside to his car." And her common sense makes a triumphant return to the narrative.
4)"I looked up the statistics. Most children don’t live past the age of seven or eight." You mean most children in abusive homes? Oh, wow. That's chilling.
5)"Weird dreams. The only one I remembered was like watching a movie of myself floating in water for hours, not needing to breathe, as if I had gills." Made me smile. Dreams are a great way to develop characters, or to insert some surreality into a story. This does both. I approve.
6) Great moment at the end of the chapter. I think the parts of the story where your characters step out of their usual routines (i.e. Delia waking up early morning at Karen's house, or walking back from the office) are the most natural. Actually, that probably says something about the nature of high school. In my personal experience at least, going night driving or climbing up onto the school roof always felt more poignant, more real than the trudge through the rest of the week did.
| Solemn Coyote chapter 3 . 5/11/2008
1)All of a sudden, in beginning this chapter, the story gets really good. Karen and her family get some character development, the reader finally gets a clear picture of what Delia looks like, and the magic kicks in. Maybe Delia's parents really were dragging the quality of writing down.
2)"I was climbing on a shelf to reach the plates and the whole thing came tumbling down on me, I thought." I like that Delia keeps her old habits even when she's finally free of her parents. It adds a handful more of realism to the story.
3)"They took me outside into what was fast becoming a violent storm." More realism. It makes sense that she'd instinctively go with them.
4)"On the other side, I was about to run again but a hand caught my arm." probably not a good idea, grabbing an abused girl. Of course, the romance part of the story sorta requires that the male lead be strong and sure and understanding.
5)“You’re a water elemental,” I like the concept a lot. In particular, I like that it's emotion-based. That naturally ties into the romance plot, making big emotional revelations just that much more stirring when the weather chimes in. I do think that the whole 'water elemental' is introduced a little too quickly. A touch too scientifically, but I like it in spite of that.
| Solemn Coyote chapter 2 . 5/11/2008
1) Ficpress cloned the first line of the story. For some inscrutable reason. It does that sometimes.
2) Brief chapter, but it felt pretty natural. And the writing was consistently good. Maybe I have some sort of grudge against Delia's parents, and critique the story harder when they're around?
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 5/11/2008
I scanned the tag-line to this story for just a moment and didn't think much of it. At first, at least. Maybe a minute or two later, it clicked and I decided that I liked the concept after all. So, here I am reading and reviewing. I haven't got a whole lot of experience reading romance. Apologies are in order if I mis-critique something.
1)"Karen was my best friend. She knew everything about me." that actually makes for a much stronger opening line than the one you have. It's simple and direct; divided into small bits with periods. The quotation, on the other hand, has a handful of places where the reader has to pause in reading it, and that delays the start of the story for them.
2)“Buildings have feelings too!” Roxi's character develops pretty quickly, which is good. Also, that line made me smile a bit.
3)"Don’t you know that if something happened to you, I’d probably die myself?" that's a slightly overwhelming line. I can believe it fits with Karen's personality, but that personality hasn't really been established enough by this point in the story.
4)"It didn’t matter. I was used to it." your portrayal of an abused girl is dead on. She's developed a think skin, and I suspect that'll make the romantic plot-line a lot more complicated.
5) "Mom made all the money. Dad blew it all on beer." there are a handful of times where the parents feel like caricatures, instead of people. It doesn't happen that often, and they're eclipsed by the better characters in the chapter (Roxi and Cordelia,) but it's still noticable.
6)"The rain started again, but this time, there was a rainbow." Kinda flat for a closing line. If I had to suggest an alternative, it would maybe be something about how at least the rain was outside. i.e. bad stuff was happening, and would happen in the future, but she had been granted a temporary respite.
7) Overall assessment: this chapter is a real mix of places where the lines fell a little flat, and good, solid writing. I'd rather not judge the story on this alone. I think I'll read a few more chapters.
| Fantasy Starlette chapter 1 . 2/25/2008
wow...i feel so horrible for Bella. Seriously. I love Karen's family. They are so nice! Can't wait to read more! I love your story! :)
| Lacee Clark chapter 8 . 9/3/2007
I loved this story! I was kind of disappointed about having it end so abruptly, but it was very good! You should write another (much longer) one!