|Reviews for 29|
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 3/28/2007
More structure. That is what this poem needs, in particular line breaks. Something like:
They told me repeatedly,
with their baited breaths
and angular track marks,
‘This is not an exit, darling.’
But I refused to heed,
for another line
and slicing open my flesh
in the process.
I'd also recommend getting rid of the second "and" and the "but" before that.
It's a bit too cliched and self-depracating to really work I think. Changing up a few of the phrases to inject some originality into this would really help.
Otherwise I really like your last three lines, it climaxes well.