|Reviews for None Yet|
| Nemonus chapter 1 . 3/29/2007
Very interesting. "who this man is I’ll never know, for my fear glazed over his face " is an excellent phrase; it characterizes the narrator, a bit, as does her indirect first reference to herself. So far you've created a nice atmosphere of both fantasy and security. "it’s containment " doesn't need that apostraphe. (I disagree with both "FoxyGrampa" and "Ivi" in that your prose needs deflowering.)
| FoxyGrampa chapter 1 . 3/28/2007
Just one thing though;
"an amorphous blob of malevolence"
Blob is kind of informal, and blunt. It could be replaced with something different. What I just don't know. But blob kind of sounded weird to me.
Anyway, you have a very weird writing style, but maybe if it stretched itself out more, and your words with each sentances wasn't always filled with such utter prose each time, it would be easier to read as a longer novel. You have good vivid details, and they work in some sentances, but in high dosages the words just start to all blend in together and kinda makes it all mush. Even it out with simpler sentances. Give contrast.
But it wasn't bad, and I wouldn't mind seeing something really trippy for once. A Dark Alice in Wonderland, I almost think-without any refrences to it, of course. It's been done. But a world of death put in less dark circumstances and turn more towards the strange. Well, still dark, but mostly strange...
I'm just rambling now, pardon. Anyway, I'd follow this, if it were to be made into something larger. Definitely consider doing so.
| Ivi chapter 1 . 3/28/2007
Good detail, but your sentance structure is confusing. For example: "Rain trickles down the stained glass windows of the church in which I gave up all hope in the existence of any so-called deity." Its just really wordy. Rain trickles down the churches stained glass windows where I gave up all hope of the existance of any so-called diety. Or Rain trickles down the stained glass windows of the church. The church in which I gave up all hope of the existance of any so-called diety. You should avoid using words like ,in, the, of...and so on twice in a sentance, especailly your opening sentance. I like your idea, i just think you need to re-read and edit this.
| Lady Rigor Mortis chapter 1 . 3/28/2007
| Elle dont tu lis les histoires chapter 1 . 3/28/2007
Wow. this is really good, actually. i love the emotion you ivoke here, and it really pulls you in. i didn't notice, but i hope it's not complete!
| Eternal Solace chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
There really isn't a whole lot to the excerpt to form a more detailed critique for you, but I'll give one for what I got from your story. _
Your use of descriptive phrasing is very well done and it flows well. Your only problem here was with tense when you first used present tense then switched to past tense for the remainder of the story: "Rain trickles down the stained glass windows of the church in which I gave up all hope in the existence of any so-called deity" i'm sure it was just a typo from the way you used past tense for the rest of it, but it was a little confusing at first.
If I were you, I'd seriously stick to this idea and build on it, because you seem to have a good thing going here!
| Aoifa chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
cool, i really want to see where this goes. titles are so overrated! on a possible grammer bit in the second sentence, do u mean "a gunshot" or "gunshots"? hope to see more, this looks like it will be awesome. Id like to see where u take it from such an intriguing opening and e im just really happy about finding interesting stories.
| stalkerlesson101 chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
i really like that. the first sentence is a bit wordy but the whole paragraph is very well written and elaborate. i like your use of detail as well. i would definitly be interested if you continued this story
| multisanity chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
I didn't really like the last sentence...instead of trying to fix it, maybe just take it out altogether. The piece is good though. If I were you I would add to this...maybe have this as a flashback or the end result and then start writing the events that led up to this moment. If written correctly this could be even better and kick off a story...
| A. Harrison chapter 1 . 3/26/2007
Overall it's very well written. It's captivating but I think you could change the last sentence a little.
Where you stopped would be a great spot to go back and start the tale from it's beginning - let us know where all of this began.
Great start, keep up the good work.
| Pink Parfait chapter 1 . 3/25/2007
Rather pretty but very confusing. Problems with your muse? I sympathesize.
PS: Cool penname.
| waterlemons chapter 1 . 3/25/2007
It sounds pretty good so far. I liked the descriptions, and i think you should write more! Good job!