Reviews for A Fateful Twist
dracocrux chapter 1 . 5/28/2008
is that the end? its a good story, but very short and confusing
C.F. Anne chapter 1 . 10/14/2007
Wow...very action packed, but yet, very essential to Aidan's personality. I can clearly see all these things happening, and they are all very believable. Great job in bringing out your character's personality. I already feel attached to him. There was only one mistake (grammatical) that I found.

"French binder, remembering that he had decided a while back that he didn't give a d about passing French. Or any other class for that matter."

The last "sentence" is a fragment. You could but a hyphen or ellipsis between the two sentences for a long pause, or a comma for a shorter one...Just a suggestion. Nice work, though. (:
C. Chen chapter 1 . 10/13/2007
I think the dailougue you implement makes the sotry come alive. And the descriptions make it so the reader can actually see whats going on there may be some mistakes here and there but overall i like it.
SexyCinderella chapter 1 . 10/11/2007
You let me wanting for more, the ending is really interesting, such a cliffhanger

Aidan seems very realistic and is very well characterized, just as the French teacher. Its very believable, the characters and the description of the situation was done very well. The plot is fantastic, and the sequence is awesome!

Although, there were too many commas and little description. I cant picture the whole scene without,at least the minimun of description.

Anyway, the story is truly interesting.

Updated soon!


In.the.Wardrobe chapter 1 . 10/8/2007
again, an interesting start.

there wasn't much detail for the characters, accept for the general gender and age, but i suppose there's always later chapters for that :)

um, the girl is intriguing, and sets up the mystery for the next chapter(s). you gave her just enough space in this chapter to keep the audience interested and wanting more.

the spelling and grammar was great, i couldn't find anything wrong. so, overall, good work. :P

.wardrobe. chapter 1 . 10/6/2007
This was pretty good, not my usual style, but i have to thank reviewer's foudnfor that, since I've been part of that group i've been able to read so many things i never would have before..Anyway, on to yor review. I think the outline of this is pretty good.. I do wish it had more hmm, dialogue, maybe description, that way i could SEE into the story, also, something i didn't understand was that this guy was in highschool, short, yes, but he was intimadated(?) by the 11 year old. Most highschool freshmen i know would be like leave me alone scraggler muffin..(sorry for the lack of words) instead of just going along with it..If he was that meek, then i see him as a geek, but use that to your advantage, add geeky little plots that happen, you know he's embarrassed easily, he's self spelling is terrible, i'm in the


the whole basis of this story is interesting, like a super hero type thing, and i love that..i think the little girl is annoying, but that's just because i like the guy, he seems like he'd be cool in real life..laid back and such..i also love his name, in my story, Along Came You, the girl character is's ironic that Aidan, meaning fire, is the name you chose, because of the super-heroistic vibe i get from the little girl..

i like..

Ashlyn ( :
NeoMiniTails chapter 1 . 8/17/2007
Compliments: I loved your ending… it makes me excited to read your next chapter and believe me that doesn’t happen very often… nor do I get into most people’s stories. Aidan’s character is very interesting, I must admit! So, I assume that girl was Q’aadara that picked him up earlier and ran out earlier.

Such a trouble maker, isn’t she? Lol.

I enjoyed reading Aidan’s thought on the smart girl whom was in both his classes… it reminded me something that’d I think of. Speaking of alike, Aidan reminds me of me… except I’d never fall asleep in class nor get in detention,… I disguise my class clown-ness with sweetness.

It was very enjoyable.

Disappointers: There wasn’t enough description… enough to see a bit into Aidan’s thoughts in class but nothing else. I can’t imagine how he looks or anybody else… nor because of lack of emotion and physical description, it made getting into the story some time before I started to enjoy it.

On a lot of this chapter, though I enjoyed it, the parts seemed almost always rushed… though the sequence was nice.

Grammar: There were a few mistakes that I’ll point out and show how to fix them… or make it sound more clear. Don’t worry… I’m not going to pester you on it because believe me, I make tons of them… so much more than you! Lol


One comma is unneeded:

An alarm clock rang, reading, 7: 00 A.M.

In that sentence, it could be read to fix it:

An alarm clock rang, reading: 7: 00 A.M.


An alarm clock rang, reading 7: 00 A.M.



It was slapped away by a hand that had withdrawn itself from the comforts of the blankets it was under to banish the annoyance back under the bed.

It doesn’t need so many words… some could be taken away and making the sentence much easily understood and sound better.

It could be written like:

It was slapped away by a hand that had withdrawn itself from the comforts of the blankets to banish the annoyance.

It sounds much better that way.


Not a compound sentence:

The alarm clock fell off the nightstand, and was ignored as it emitted strange beeping noises.


The following is not a sentence:

was ignored as it emitted strange beeping noises.


No need for comma.


Sentence could be written better so that the audience can get more into it or whatever:

A second later, someone was banging on the door.

Could be written:

As usual, it didn’t take long for someone to come banging on the door, screaming as they always did to the annoyance to the sleeper.

Continuing on for the next paragraph: (okay, so I am pretty much correcting everything… but at least, its helpful)

As usual, it didn’t take long for someone to come banging on the door, screaming as they always did to the annoyance to the sleeper.

“Aidan, come down stairs! I’m going to leave for work soon! Aidan! Aidan!” Thrusting the door open, a girl in her young twenties came storming inside, her eyes glaring dreadfully onto the figure laying in the bed. She stepped around the piles of dirty clothes, avoided tripping over a stack of videogames, and roughly pulled down the blinds, allowing them to snap back up, letting a bit of sunlight into the room. Anyone could see she was disgusted by the way of living of the young boy whom finally woken up.

Two paragraphs later: ( to give more emotion to the writing and more physical description)

Hearing those words, Aidan jumped out of his bed in disbelief. If he were late today, he was sure he would get detention and that was something he really wanted to avoid. The (physical description) boy hurriedly searched through his clothes hoping that he’d find some clean clothes but instead… he found ants… not exactly going to plan. During all this, all he could find himself saying to his older sister in spite, “How come didn’t ya wake me up earlier?”

A couple paragraphs later, you could keep to the same thing… add more personality, however.

I won’t correct any more of your stuff… it’d annoy you. I could be your beta, if you want… I’m better at betaing other people’s stuff than my own.

Originality: Seemingly original so far but can’t tell by just this chapter.

Characterization: Very good for the most part… your teacher was done very well, the French teacher… made that person seem very familiar and fit the personality very well.

Aidan was well-done too.

However, description, itself, can also help with giving characterization… still it was very good.

Believability: Very believable.

Suggestions: More description… get a beta. Could you read my story ‘Miracle Knights?’

Overall Thoughts: It was very good… can’t wait until you update. Update Soon! Three Stars.

Oh and could you tell me if I was right about that being Q'aadara... pweeze!
Azrael Adamine Gaunt chapter 1 . 8/13/2007
Aidan is actually quite funny and very well characterized! You had a few grammar problems, but, otherwise, it was really enjoyable to read! Interesting plot, do you plan on updating it? Or is it a oneshot? I'd like to see more! Keep Writing )

-And thanks for my review!
The Chibi Queen chapter 1 . 3/28/2007
very good! there are a few too many commas, and some minor grammar errors, but the storyline so far is marvelous! aidan seems very realistic, and it seems like you know him well.
Random 4 life chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
yay another clone review!

nice job! It's seems vaugely haven't been stalking my throughout my 7th grade year have you?

Please post another chapter, I wanna see Aidan make an idiot of himself some more!
Mermaiddiver chapter 1 . 3/26/2007
aww, come on, write more! this is really good and interesting!
Hikari no Roojii chapter 1 . 3/26/2007
Yay, Aidan!

Nicely done. I enjoyed reading it very much.

Don't leave too long between updates? Please?

-conveniently forgetting that she hasn't updated any of her own fics since January-
ham3 chapter 1 . 3/25/2007
I'm interested...write more!