Reviews for Tennis Ball
Fractured Illusion chapter 2 . 4/21/2009
Hello RM winner, congrats on being number one, legend! Review nr 2 here!

I like this one better. Or these two, I should say.

Just a slight remark: it's too, not to, last line, ch 1.

Your strongest line is definitely "bruising me with every stroke" which I think you also acknowledge considering it was kept after the edit. The oxymoron is just cool like that :p

I have to agree what another reviewer said on first stanza first chapter, though. It was bland and lacked personality, so to speak, as it was so simple.

Anyways, I like the tennis ball metaphor. Kinda cool when you think about it :) Not what I would first associate with some half-MPD person :p

"leaving dingy grey cracks covering my heart."

Awesome ending. I like the imaginary and the word choice. You don't seen dingy every day, for examples.

Last stanza was the strongest in both versions, mainly because I think all the dramas climax was well centered there.

Overall, edited version is better. Shorter but stronger. The word choices have been improved too, and there is no bland stanza like in first chapter.

See you around!

Frac
Luna Turner chapter 1 . 2/9/2009
I felt like the ending was open, like it wasn't quite complete. It left me with an uneasy feeling, which I don't know is intentional or not.

A few errors (finally I find a flaw in your perfection! XD)

Many of your lines I felt should've been seperated.

For instance:

"about you if one emotion"

felt like it should've been two lines, like this:

"about you

if one emotion..."

another thing: I think you should've added some punctuation. For example, some commas. Like I think one should've been here: "I hate you your actions" in between you and your.

These are the key things I saw.

But I liked how you compared your emotions to a tennis ball.

Brilliant.

~Luna Turner
May Elizabeth chapter 2 . 11/15/2008
Hm...I think both of these poems should be combined because I love both of them. Just my opinion. Peace.
Firetrap chapter 1 . 3/30/2008
The first stanza was pretty uneventful. More vocabularly, especially rare words, would make it more intriguing & would make it appear complex. The second stanza was better, but still poor in the vocabularly sense. I did love "and make me bleed

with just one look". It was simple, but beautifully effect & catching in some way. Maybe it was just the fact it was a metaphor, which, btw, you need more of in your work. The third stanza was lovely. I absolutely adored the prolonged metaphor/ slight personification you used here. I thought the title was a bit irrelevent at the start, but it all made sense by the end. It was a not bad piece, but it needs more vocab & figures of speech. That would make it much more captivating, and ultimately a far better piece. :D Keep writting.
Esther Jade chapter 2 . 3/20/2008
Hey - you just learnt something about my beautiful country - how awesome is that? Weren't the pictures on wiki gorgeous?

Moving swiftly along to the review...

I prefer this version but I feel like I only really understand it because I read the other version first. In the first one, it felt like a great concept to describe the situation whereas here it's a great concept and the situation feels a bit vague.

In this one, I really like the first stanza. I think you set up the theme well. Also, opening couplet is particularly nice and has quite a neat little rhythm. The juxtaposition in the last three lines of that stanza is also nice.

The next two stanzas strike me as the ones where a more careful development of the situation needs to happen. They feel a bit weak to me though you employ a couple of nice poetic devices; I just don't know if that is enough.

One of the nice things about the first version was the "shape" of the stanzas. They felt like they were quite balanced which sort of suited by idea of tennis as quite an ordered game. I don't know if you want to incorporate a bit of that balanced feel into those two middle stanzas.

I like the last stanza but it feels under-punctuated. I love the third line - but I would suggest maybe putting a colon at the end of it and maybe commas at the ends of the lines after that. I quite like the relentless feel of those last few lines - it feels like a ball being hit over and over again. I'm not so mad about the "dingy grey cracks". You want something that suggests a worn down tennis ball but that just does not work for me.
lymli chapter 1 . 2/29/2008
I like the editted version, specially the last part and I think the first version you were expressing well what you were feeling.

postscript: thank you for correcting my grammar.
Vanilla Tea chapter 2 . 2/18/2008
The tennis ball idea was pretty interesting, i can't really say which one i liked better...the first one says more, and i like the first stanza on both of them. I think the ending of the second one is better than the first, though. Great job on the poem(s)!
i.am.pockets chapter 1 . 2/18/2008
Both of them are good. The second version is really well written and gets the message across perfectly. The first one is good too, but in a different way because it goes off and talks more about the tennis ball idea.

I LOVE the first two stanzas of the first one. I can really relate.

Hope things get better for you. But hey! At least it gives you some good ideas for poems.

-pockets
standing.in.the.wreckage chapter 1 . 2/18/2008
Really good. you described the conflicting emotions really well. good job keep it up
standing.in.the.wreckage chapter 2 . 2/18/2008
The metaphor was amazing. it was just all really good, at the end with the tennis ball really good wa of ending it. good job keep writing.
multiples of six chapter 2 . 2/18/2008
I like the second version better. ) I did find it a bit confusing though.. at first I thought that there were two sides to the person the speaker is addressing, and then on rereading I figured out it was saying there were two sides to the speaker's feelings for this person. (I think?) But yeah, I like it. )
darkreaperlurking chapter 2 . 2/15/2008
That was a deep poem, I really enjoyed reading the last stanza.
a silenced revolution chapter 2 . 2/14/2008
They're both good, but I like the second version better. It uses fewer words and is more effective and concise. The last stanza is really great. Good job with this.
Manuel Fajar chapter 2 . 2/14/2008
Black & White

15 February 2008

Headingley, England

Can there be day without a night?

Only without rest

Can there be love without despair?

Only without test

So, how should heart its love discern?

Only other’s best

So, how should mind and soul proceed?

Only with great zest

(p.s. ur up late!)
Kissing Concrete chapter 1 . 2/14/2008
i love your comparison to a tennis ball- it makes perfect sense, i feel like saying, "now why didn't i think of that?" i love the last stanza best, the others were just leading up to it really.
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