Reviews for The Birth Of A Writer
ecwix chapter 1 . 4/3/2007
Okay, just a few notes. I think the lack of space between lines sort of makes the story seem a lot more intimidating and tedious than it actually is. Although I'm guessing it's just an error with the uploading process, I'd suggest going through and spacing out between paragraphs and dialogue. It would alienate a lot fewer readers.

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Second, from the author's note, I'm guessing that this is basically a biography. As a hint, I'm pretty sure there's a "biography" section, which would be more appropriate than "general".

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Third, (sorry, I'm sort of picky about grammar, although I abuse it very often myself) I'll try to help out with some of the grammatical issues :). The first section within quotes will be your text, and the second paragraph will be my comments.

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"Long ago, December of 2003, when I was a Sophmore in high school when I finally decided the time was right to tell a certain girl how I felt about her."

Ok, first, "Sophmore" should be "Sophomore". Also, the second "when" is unnecessary. It turns the "main clause" into a "subordinate clause" and therefore makes the sentence a fragment.

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"She was beautiful, very polite, more outgoing and pleasent than any girl I have ever met; still to this day."

First, "pleasent" should be spelled "pleasant". Second, I'm not sure why you used a semi-colon there. Semi-colons are generally used to separate two independent clauses, which "still to this day" is not.

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"She had very cool parents, she was right with the Lord, she had her flaws, but they were all adorable to me."

You just linked three independent clauses with each other without any sort of conjunction, semi-colon, or anything at all basically. I'd suggest redoing the punctuation, or just rewording the sentence (like taking out the "she"'s and adding an "and".)

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"Around the middle of Summer in 2003 we spent more tmie together and I began to look at her with a different pair of eyes than I used to."

There should be a comma after "2003". Also, you spelled a word as "tmie". I think you mean "time". Typo :p.

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"There were of course times when I was just being myself and said something stupid that she didn't like, but she never let that affect our relationship. "

"Of course" should be offset by commas.

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"It made us closer as friends, but nothing more, that is until I decided to step it up and straight out tell her."

There should be a comma after "that is".

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Whew, at the rate I'm going, this will take all night. I guess I can live with myself with just telling you a few hints on the grammar rules you seem to abuse often and let you skim through the rest of the story yourself :p. I'm sorry if this sounds like a grammar lesson, because it is. I find that reading grammatically incorrect stories decrease my value of it greatly (although that may not be true for other readers, merely for myself).

1.) Comments that disrupt the flow of a sentence, such as "that is", "of course", and other things like that, should be offset by commas.

Ex. There are many things, of course, that can affect a piece of writing.

2.) Introductory adverbial prepositional phrases and subordinate commas should end in a comma before the main clause begins.

Ex. When I went to the store, she made her move.

Ex. With your help, I was able to succeed.

3.) Independent clauses cannot be linked together with just commas. Firstly, let me define an independent clause. An independent clause is one that contains a subject, verb, and contains a complete thought. Clauses (have a subject and verb) that don't have a complete thought are subordinate clauses. Subordinate clauses cannot stand alone.

Ex. Independent: I walked to the store.

Ex. Subordinate: When I walked to the store...

All sentences must contain at least one independent clause. A sentence may contain as many subordinate clauses as it wants, as long as there is still an independent clause, although too many subordinate clauses tends to make the sentence tediously long and confusing. If you wish to link two independent clauses together, there are a few methods-

a.) Just end the sentence and start a new one.

Before: I walked to the store, he followed me.

After: I walked to the store. He followed me.

b.) Link the two clauses with a comma and a coordinating conjunction.

Before: I walked to the store, he followed me.

After: I walked to the store, and he followed me.

c.) Link the two clauses with a semi-colon.

Before: I walked to the store, he followed me.

After: I walked to the store; he followed me.

Usually, the use of a semi-colon is for clauses that express thoughts that logically come after each other.

Awkward: I walked to the store; the giant, evil clown destroyed the asteroid.

In this situation, I would just end the first sentence and start a new one.

4.) When there is more than one adjective describing a word, there needs to be a comma between the modifiers.

Ex. The big, red car attacked the freaky, ugly clown.

5.) Text within quotations still need to be closed with a period, even if it is the last thing in the paragraph.

Ex. "No," Tomas butted in, "The worst that could happen is that she could file sexual harassment charges on you."

Ex. "Yeah," I muttered. "Maybe if this was a movie, but it's not Kevin. This is my life and I just screwed up a perfectly fine part of it."

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Next, I'll try to give the correct spellings of a few words that

caught my attention. Some of them may have been mentioned before already, and I can't guarantee that I'll catch all the errors. Sorry.

Sophomore

extensive

positive

devastated

emotionally

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Don't think from this review that I think grammar should be perfectly followed in every situation. It shouldn't be. In fact, there are certain places in which using incorrect grammar can be very effective. However, making errors consistently, unless they are made purposely, can detract from the reading value of a piece of writing.

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Whew, and there I've gone and spent more than a full half hour on this review. I'm such a loser.

I have to end with a word of encouragement and admiration for your writing. It is very in touch with emotion, and I feel as though I am just unable to experience it fully due to my own personal preferences concerning correct English. I apologize profusely. The story seems very true. I wish you good luck in future writings and perseverance for the completion of your novel :).