Reviews for Until We Die
Hed in the Cloudz chapter 1 . 3/11/2008
Hey, welcome to the Review Game! (No, this isn't any type of required review, I'm no official greeter or anything, I was just curious...So here I am!)

Anywho, I'm intrigued! I love this idea, and it certainly does bring up questions. Your writing style is great, so this promises to be an amazing read, if you continue like this. (Which, depending on how you look at it, is my way of saying 'plz rite moar!':D)

As for advice, you have a few phrases that caught my attention as odd. In particular, "Keith looked solemnly over at him. “John, this is dead serious stuff.” The corner of his mouth twitched suspiciously." Seems like it could be a misplaced modifier-thingy (if a dialogue descriptor counts as a modifier?) I don't know your characters yet, but you make it sound as if Keith is holding back a laugh. If so, great characterization; if not, fix your pronoun!

This sentence confused me for awhile, too: "“And you’d miss more opportunities if you behave properly for one more week than if you don’t?”" It's completely grammatically correct, but still comes across as brain-twisting. No need to change it, unless you can think of a better way to phrase it.

And other than that, I'll just remind you that we don't know what this stone is, so tell us by the end! I'm sure that you were already planning to do so, but when I was reading this thinking that it was a one-shot, I was confused.

Can't wait to read what comes next! Thanks for posting!
fairydust angel chapter 1 . 4/20/2007
ooer. you're back at last, i must say i'm impressed with this one. definetly this is intriguing. you gotta post more of it soon. so many questions in such a short chapter... are they gonna go heaven's gate or something in 7 days? lots of characters to keep track of, but i can already see some personalities emerging. it's pretty short to critique much, but this is DEFINETYLY interesting! realistic dialogue, too. Likely your most captivating openting chapter so far.

one gripe: you say something about John's "nice oval face," and i don't think that's a real good way of putting it.. it's just kind of awkward. that's all

anyway, you're probably sick and tired of my useless reviews but nevertheless... its' good stuff. post more if you have it.
x Saiya chapter 1 . 3/31/2007
Hmm.. I'm interested. :)