|Reviews for Unwanted Guardian: Redux|
| Daneeno chapter 18 . 8/2
I would love for the story to be updated more often! I've been committed to this story for years but I will read the story at whatever pace suits you best.
| LL chapter 17 . 11/7/2013
God, I don't know it is good luck or bad luck that made me come across this story. While it is truly engaging, the two-updates-per-year is just... . But the plot and the writing keep getting better and better, so I guess I can handle it :)
What truly entices me is how you merge the actions and emotions together, how you make the characters live but not act. And the way you describe the emotions, it's so very tender. I don't know how to explain it clearly, but there's this vagueness and tenderness, and this melancholy, that feels like waking up knowing you have a nice dream but don't remember it, or some distant joyful childhood memories that you cannnot recall and yet somehow you still remember... Uhm, sorry, I'm just not good with words . What I mean is, you've done a wonderful job setting the atmosphere for the story. I'm especially fond of those passages where you write about Julian's schizophrenia. He was too saint-like and 2D before, but that episode of schizophrenia really makes him more "flesh and bone", more real, more deep. After that, he became my favorite character (I didn't have one before, though I like them all :) ) That said, I hope you won't kill him off; physically or soul-ly. Please don't let him die, or let his soul die and something takes over his body! And if he dies, it would be so sad for Rori; he would reduce this mindless sex addict who's full of lust... Especially if he establishes a relationship with Jason :( There's definitely something else between them more than lust, but I still feel lust play too big a part, and I definitely don't want this amazing story turn into some smutty erotica, where sex is simply for the sake of sex!
I'm also quite interested in Edmond, Rori's brother. I can't help but feel there's a connection between him and Jason... Though I guess we'll have to wait a couple of years to have that answered :))
Anyway, kudos to you for this story. No matter how sparse are the updates, please DO update! I'm really tired of authors abandon their story :( And I am following UG now, just don't wanna review with my account :) Wish you all the best!
| Mcgde chapter 1 . 6/4/2013
Actually made it to chapter 35 of the unedited.
Liked it a lot!
Wondering if this is the exact same but edited...
| AcrylicHeart chapter 12 . 5/6/2013
Rori: "Hm. I'd get rid of this graffiti but it's actually kind of awesome..." Ha ha. The image I get of the Hellfire doors is pretty bitchin', though, I will admit that much.
Y'know, I'd say Julian being a pole dancer is a shock but... It isn't. At all. Not to say it was expected, but it was one of those, "Huh. Figgers." situations. He himself is very promiscuous when he doesn't feel the need to hide that side of him (whether it be out of politeness or self-consciousness), and as you mention, he IS an incubus. I mean, you can only expect so much from someone who feeds from energy. :)
Li is much more... Toxic, you could say, this time around. I means, he was abrasive last time but this time around he really seems like poison: oozing, seeping, infectious, and corrosive. He is more... Invasive, I think, and more unpredictable, just from the little bit I saw of him. I want to punch his teeth down his throat but he'd like it too much.
I like Lee. He's sweet if a little rough around the edges. :)
Rather than being useless exposition, I think the detail you out into certain scenes adds to the whole of it all. It paints a bold picture without dictating EVERYTHING we readers MUST see (which I've seen in amateur writing much too often). It also leaves enough to the imagination to be intriguing.
Bah, see? If I'd kept my yap shut and just kept reading like a good little reader I would have gotten my answer regarding addictions. :P
Mid scene with lee talking to Julian "What Kind of Pokémon Are You?" starts playing on my MP3 player, which promptly puts the image of Julian transforming into a Gengar throwing back shots at a bar, being served by a Machop (who I assume was Lee). Tae was a Clefairy. And then suddenly, this: Ash jumped into the PokeBar, reveling in all the Pokémon glory he would soon be capturing. "Rori, I choose you!" The Master Ball flew through the air, bouncing off the wall and flashing with a bright white light-
Fwump! Rori plopped onto the ground, fast asleep. Ash gaped in horror as a wild Artemis appeared! She used Taunt! It's not very effective... Oh no! Ash whites out!
(Cheesy grins all around.)
I like that you say 'up' into oblivion rather than down. It's a unique take on things.
What is it about Rose than sets Julian off so damn much? I mean I'll admit, there's something about him that just grates me the wrong way, but I think part of that is Julian's distaste for him seeping through the narrative.
Astral projection! 8D
The last scene with Jason and the Douchebag Brigade really pisses me off. Josh is a self serving little fuck. Eeerg. -angry face-
Sorry it took me so damned long to review but I've been just... I don't know. Bleh. So, here we are! Belated but here nonetheless! :D See you next chapter!
| AcrylicHeart chapter 11 . 4/26/2013
The language in the dream is amazingly deep and very moving. It's not unlike Jason to see beauty in the world. He's a muse. But it's not often that we're able to see him stop and really appreciate his feelings. And in this case, it's something very strong, and the language reflects how strong it is. I also think the language is very true to emotions: serenity, fear, panic. All of it is accurately represented by the change in tone and language in the dream itself.
"...tendrils of darkness, covered in wicked, gouging spines." This line is reminiscent of the nightmare Jason had before Rori raped him, which sends out some very powerful imagery. In both sequences, Jason is helpless to act. In both sequences, the only colour other than the black is red-representative of Rori, and in the latter dream, his violation. That violation is also represented by the last tendril piercing the center of his body-raping him in similar fashion to how Rori himself did. It's all very heavy handed, and that is exactly what we need to see. Too many times, I've seen things like this under-sold, simply due to lack of experience. While I hope nothing like this has ever happened by any means, your ability to portray the human psyche is enough to make me happy, picky as I can be. ;) Another thing about the dream: the way you describe the tendrils as having shattered the barrier brings to mind the fragility of glass, and thus the fragility of human nature and self perseverance and protection. Your guard can only be a s strong as you are, and at such a weakened state, that glass or barrier is very brittle and breakable. And just like glass, even if you find all of the pieces in that barrier, you'll never be able to put them together the way they were. They may fit, but the integrity and strength will be compromised. But, in similar fashion, you can collect the pieces and use them for something else-melt the glass down, so to speak, and recycle it to create something new. Jason just has to be able to bring himself to do that. And it's going to be the hardest thing he's done in his conscious life. But he's strong. And the fact that his nightmares plague him really just makes him that much stronger. The more hardship you go through, the stronger you become, unless you let it ruin you. And although he may not remember his past, he doesn't let the scars on his wrists hold him back. There's no way, once his head is on right, that he would let this hold him back either. Yet another thing (that ended up being deeper than I though, lol, my bad) about the dream: the way you describe his blood as blossoming like a rose is utterly morbid and entirely apropos. Not only does it juxtapose the whole ordeal rather viciously, it also almost hints at Rori, being red as a rose. It just... I dunno, reflects his gentlemanliness or something. :) And it just adds that much more to the mental torture Jason's memories are putting him through, severe as it already was.
Entirely random and nowhere near as in depth and deep as the last bit: what kind of glasses does Julian wear? He kind of strikes me as the rectangular frame kinda guy.
Personifying the silence the way you did was a unique move. It's almost ironic to say the silence wheezed, but it most definitely conveys the overall malice it's being lent. It also gives off an eerie image of a wizened old hermit who can hardly fend for himself, who hides razor-sharp claws and seething red eyes just below his defenseless façade, whispering vulgarities into the ears of unsuspecting people. But that's just me.
On the subject of Julian being non-human, how old is he? Is he actually only 24 (or what have you since I keep getting that confused)?
"Maybe she's just tired, he quietly a restrained breath..." Quietly let a restrained breath perhaps?
You know, if Rori hadn't become such a hardcore love interest (although I'm not saying it's bad, just a speculation :3), I could definitely see Jason and Artemis becoming an item and interacting in a serious relationship. And I can see them making a damn good couple too.
"And if just so happened to induce..." This sentence seems off and I don't know what the initial intent was but I had to read it a few times to even get the gist of what it was saying, lol.
My take is that one of the reasons Jason "missed" Rori and the others at breakfast that morning is because that semblance of normalcy, that witty banter, that playful BS-ing that they all partake in; that's what helped to keep Jason sane. It was a shove back into a normal life that for one night he hadn't been able to have. In a way, it was a balm, something to make things feel better. But at the same time, it also almost let him ignore what had happened, so it is in a way better for him to have to face things, because he will never learn to cope otherwise. Again, just me reading into things over-much. :)
The fact that Jason is wishing everything is a nightmare... The way the thought is both desperate and resigned-it lends to the fact that this is very, very serious. Jason doesn't just fade into the background like that. he's a bit of a punk-ass to be honest. :) So, him wanting everything to have been a bad dream? That's a big deal. And it's actually pretty disheartening, since Jason has always been a come-back-guy.
"God? That wasn't funny." Bahaha, so great! XD
Jesus. The mention of Julian fearing his mother because of her illness is just... Jeez. I mean, that's hard to even... :( Poor guy. Poor mum, too. :/
"Allan's capable, if frequently blackmailed, hands." I laughed so suddenly in the absolute silence that it startled my mouse. Lmao.
The thoughts flying around are so mottled and confusing and nonsensical and have no order, and it's just absolute PERFECTION. Jason can't make sense of things, so neither can we. It just. Augh. :3
"I'm not legal for another year." GAHAHAHA XD
"Misster Andersonnnn." Baaaahahaha, reminds me of one night: we were watching Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, and when Lord Elrond (Irons) says "Welcome to Rivendale, Frodo," Dad cut it off and said "Missster Andersonnnnnn." It was so facking hilarious!
. Yami would hate me so hard: garlic is in almost everything I cook. I'm Italian. I mean come on. xD
Yup. It's official. I want my own Randy. Naokthxbai.
"You still owe me Chinese, asshole." XDD
| AcrylicHeart chapter 10 . 4/18/2013
Jason's ideals warping to his not meaning anything makes perfect sense. I know I would feel the same in a similar situation. What gets me is his resilience. He keeps on going, however little it may be, rather than just shutting down and not coming out of it. Like he says to Rori, suicide is the simple way out. A way to ease the mind, and a damn selfish one at that. Jason has obviously tried to take his own life, even if he doesn't remember it. This is a path he refuses to go down again. one would think, what with the scars on his arms, it would make it easier to just let go- all it would take it slicing down those same scars, turning on his music, and closing his eyes. No one would notice until he missed dinner or something similar. But instead, he kept going. His resilience is astounding, and respectable.
On the opposite side of the spectrum: I think one of the big things that this chapter shows is that Rori really and truly is a selfish fuck, much as he may not want to be. It's almost an afterthought by now, yes, and he cares more than most, yes, but he ultimately puts himself first in a vast majority of situations. This makes it, to me, both ironic, and hopelessly romantic (so sue me, I'm a mush at heart 3) that Jason turns all of that around for him in the latter chapters.
Kali and Artemis had me laughing, initially. I've been on Artemis' end so many times. A lot of the time during lunch, I just wouldn't eat, or I'd only get a soda. There were more important things I could be saving up for, or I just didn't feel like eating/didn't have the money. A friend of mine actually went so far as to get me a separate lunch so I would have food. I have literally had fruit chucked at my head so I would eat it. xD
I also think the end of this shows how much Jason has matured as a character over these nearly 9 years, and how much this last trauma forced him to grow up a little bit more. He spares Rori's life, gets angry with him for even suggesting it. A lesser person would have put the stake to him personally. And Rori handled things much better than he could have. He could have put on airs, but instead he bared his soul in hopes Jason would understand even one thing. These two have come far in both life and this draft. Well done. :)
Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNN! Gabbers! :D
-has been viciously mauled and can no longer review-
-still corpsey- Ooh, will I see more of Creavan? I apologize if I misspelled it but I tried looking through the previous draft and got so lost xD This version really is soooo much awesomer :D) -now permanently corpsey-
| AcrylicHeart chapter 9 . 4/15/2013
Right off the bat this put tears in my eyes. Which is bad, because I was at work. Lol. Julian is very obviously devastated. Now, this, to me, shows that it's not that Julian allows Rori to be a rapist thug toward Jason. I think it shows that he has never seen just how bad it is. Not because he turns a blind eye, like a lot of people argue, but because he never gets the chance to see it. Jason won't show him, because he wants, needs to be strong for himself, and he doesn't want to worry Julian. Rori, to be perfectly honest, is a right bastard about it and hides it for fear of reprimand, not shame. Yes, he regrets it, but Allan is right. Sorry doesn't take it back. Sorry won't fix things. And sorry seems like a slap in the face in this situation. You don't apologize if you've the intention to do it again. And you don't renege on an apology that serious. So, I hate Rori right now. And while I know things get better, this puts a shadow on him as a person that will take as long for the reader to get over as it will Jason. Which is bloody brilliant, woman! You have taken this emotional roller coaster and thrown in a few more spirals, a loop, and a tunnel with seemingly no end. And the end of that tunnel will depend on Rori, and on Jason.
Sidetracking aside, the first 6 paragraphs were terrible to read. It was brutal, listening in on Julian's thoughts. And it was that much worse when the teens began filtering in, chatting amongst themselves, and suspecting something was wrong. It was just... Awful. Very few things that I read can put me in a state of utter helplessness in the manner of the characters. I empathized with Julian in a way I've never been able to do before, and in a way with Jason as well, even if it was from another character's perspective. It was beautifully heartbreaking. VERY well done my lady. :P
"...Jason's wounds continued to weep when Jason could not." That line was as punch to the gut. It was very, very impactful. Like holy hell. This entire chapter was hard, but lines like this made it real. Made it genuine. Made it haunting. I love it. As horrible as that sounds. -hugs a squirming Jason to death-
The description of the memory being faded is a hauntingly accurate depiction. I know how it feels to look back on something, and it feels hollow. Recounting all the pain but feeling little to none of it, as though I was just a disinterested, calloused passerby. I know how it feels. And faded was the perfect way to describe it.
Now, the teens' interactions amongst themselves-superb. It was all very well-observed and put together. Perfect example of human interaction. It made me feel like I was back in school. :)
"Allowing himself draw a small fraction of comfort from..." Left out 'to.'
Haha. Artemis' room is a reflection of mine, minus computer guts. And OHMYGAWDIWANTASKREE! He is so-NJKILGDJHBDJS! He's like a chinchilla mated with a defunct razor blade. o.o I mean cripes. But he's so precious! He reminds me of Virgil in a way, that deceptively smart manner of his. Obviously my rat couldn't find things for me or anything, but he knew what to do when he needed to. And there were so many times that I bent over too quickly when he was on my shoulder and he would literally grumble at me afterward. So perfect. :3
Yay Allan! I was wondering when he'd be introduced again. He's a lot more abrasive this time, that's for sure. It's good to see that someone has the balls to tell Rori to fuck himself, and mean it in a helpful way. Sort of. I think throwing him out of the window may have driven the point home more. But then, that brings to mind a scene from Fruits Basket. Kyo asks, "Great, you're probably going to hit me now right?" And all he gets in reply from Yuki is, "And wouldn't it hurt more if I didn't?" before he walked away. So I think Allan's tactic is better, if less satisfying. :D
Gawd, I want to mother Jason and take all of his pain away. This was (Captain Redundancy Captain!) such a brutal chapter to get through. And once again I blew through it too quickly to write much after OMGLOBSKREE so sorry if this is comfuddled.
Ah, before I forget: Maybe it's the focus on Yami without giving much detail, but something about him seems more mysterious about him. I'm not sure what (oh the irony) but he definitely seems more... Something. Hrm. He's always been one of my favourites, which I'm sure Pheeny will love to hear. :) There is just Something about him that. Mm. Mmm mm mmm. Lmao! I want one of my own Kthanxbai.
Anywho, I'm on to the next chapter, Criminal Minds, and copious amounts of War Heads that would put Creston's energy drink addiction to shame. Ciao!
| AcrylicHeart chapter 8 . 4/13/2013
"One would almost think that you were trying to avoidme." Forgot a space. Only typo I found but I forgot to mention it and FP won't let you double review anymore...
| AcrylicHeart chapter 8 . 4/13/2013
I ripped through this thing so quickly I didn't even write down notes, I was so engrossed. Holy hell.
I knew this was coming. I knew that something this important couldn't have been taken out of the second (millionth) draft. But it hurt to read. And it almost brought tears to my eyes at the end, especially the bit with Julian.
Now then. I know what the tags are now, as I suspected. It was probably me remembering but not realizing it, eh? Lol. I also like that the pool scene and everything with Jason is less detailed. It leaves more to the imagination, and it actually more impactful this way. It also has a broader audience range as well. You want PWP Smut? Go for it? You want to sell a book? Tone it down honey. I think this was very, very well done in that sense. Not too utterly vulgar, you know, nothing like written porn. It was nicely done prose that was risqué and heartfelt and genuine. So I think it worked better. It also made the rape more brutal in a way, I think. The allusion, without too much detail, makes it seem like the horrors could not be put to words. It has a strong presence that way.
My Kindle is being an ass and charging reaaally, slowly because I am using the wrong charge, but I shall be reading more soon!
| AcrylicHeart chapter 7 . 4/12/2013
Right off the bat I have to say: I've always had a difficult time picturing Rori's eyes. It's not that they're unbelievable in colour, I don't think. I just can't picture it. I see the phrase spearmint green and picture the gum, and try to convert that to eye colour and it just... Won't happen. Period. Perhaps it's the rarity of the colour but hey. Lol.
Paha, I know that 'ruffled feathers' and such are phrases, but I tend to picture a real thing happening. In this case, I pictured a pissed off swan in Jason's room being woken up by a snort, ruffling it's feathers, and then tucked it's head in it's back and went back to sleep. Lol
I had Robots playing in the background so I could listen and read and watch all at once, and thanks to hearing things as background noise, I pictured Merri and Jason bursting into 'Right Thur' in the kitchen. I mean, 'gangsta' outfits, backwards hats, chains, sliding onto knees and all. It was epic. :D
I like that the Hellhounds are more developed and in depth in the sense that they get more air time. They seem more important I suppose you could say, and they act more real to me. I've had dogs all my life. I know what dogs act like. These animals act like predators, more like wolves in that sense, but definitely canine. Loved it. :) They also seemed more real, less mythical, in the same way Rori seems more real person. less mythical vampire of olde, and I think that bulks up their camaraderie quite a bit as well. So even if people don't look into these things like I insist on, it similarities are impossible to ignore and strengthen that bond in the backs of our minds as we read.
The description of Jason's wounds was jarring. I can do gore, but something about the texture of the brick against his-eugh. It made me shudder. Nice job woman. I think part of it is knowing that this could happen to anyone I know, myself, my brother, my boyfriend. The wounds are very real, and textured skin is freaky as shit to feel. So, just-eugh. Euuugh. Dx
I've noticed that you use the term 'pallid' very often when describing Rori, and for once, I love it. I tend to dislike repetition, but in this case, it doesn't come off as overused, it comes off as well put together. It's a solid description in an otherwise ethereal existence of questions and such. It really adds a little ja ne to the overall feel. I quite enjoy this.
So this is me reading too much into things, but you have an amazing inherent grasp of human psychology, I think. Exemplar Gratia: Jason using the term "closet masochist" ghosts Luke's use of "closet sadist." Neither could have heard the other say this. So, it only can show that they have a similar mentality. This shows how close of friends they must be. People tend to begin to unconsciously mimic those they are close to. This is one of those results. Just thought I'd give kudos for that. :)
On the opposite end, seeing Rori so pissed and swearing like that is brilliant. Just utterly brilliant. Even the Red King may fall. Literally. Lmao xD
"...seeing you acquaint yourself with... yourself..." has always been one of my favourite lines in the damn WORLD! I picture the hesitation, the hitch as he almost laughs and gets a little flustered, picture the half incredulous, half lust-driven look in his eyes. Just-LOL. I love it. XD
Alrighty, Miss Unobservant has struck again. Apparently, reading it a million times just WILL NOT stick into my head-which of Jason's eyes is which, colour-wise? I can almost picture him, and then the eyes screw me up. It's not your fault though, don't worry about that. Mild learned dyslexia and all. :P
So I can't remember if it's mentioned or not (and if it is you don't have to tell me lol, if you don't want to), but, what's the story behind the dog tags? He obviously has a large amount of attachment to them. I assume it has to do with being a muse and not losing his identity again, but I just plain can't remember if it's mentioned.
Ha, gotta love that Julian called Li a 'cranky ponce.' It just felt like a big ol' schmack across the back of the ponce's skull. -cheesy grin-
This is also me looking into things too much but the way you describe him threading the ball of his piercing, and how he handles it, all that stuff, it really shows that you have personal experience. Maybe it's just me, but there's a certain tone or something that makes it seem real. I mean, not even seem real. It's real. Experience. Like, really. Lol. Gotta love my amount of eloquence, apologies.
Bahahahahaha. Something about Rori thinking Jason needs to get laid, without a tasteless remark, is utterly ironic and classic. :)
I must say, Jason is pretty mature for all his stupidity at times. The fact that he can sit back, look at himself, and say, "You know what? Maybe I am gay. And maybe I'm not. I can only wait and find out," That's pretty mature. I know full grown adults who can't pull that off. So, I'm proud of you Jace. :)
"Jason sat for a moment before pushed himself..." left out 'he.' 4th to last paragraph.
"Whole fucking world's out to get me. Even the goddamn radio." I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO. I KNOW THAT FEEL.
| AcrylicHeart chapter 6 . 4/10/2013
So, for some reason, I've always found th scene in the limo a bit eerie. Just, the way that Rori was staring at Jason. Maybe it's the fact that it's from Jace's POV and it gives him the creeps, but it always gives me the heebs, how abruptly Jason notices. It doesn't even really have a preface, which of course leads one to realize that Jason couldn't have possibly known, as he is living it, not writing it, but still. Heebs are to be had.
"Miniature Conquistadors." Brilliance. Sheer brilliance. xD
See also: "Intelligence of a blueberry scone." You know, I genuinely pictured a punk-ass scone with Jace's hair, headphones, and a school uniform on sitting next to Artemis, who was a yellow tabby cat. What the fuck. Lmao
I also quite liked how Yami was all "NoIhavemybarrierIcan'tseeyouyoucan'tseemegoawayew " about it all. I mimicked how his book would be while mum was watching Criminal Minds and got a strange look for it. LOL
And I have to say, it's good to know Artemis is prepared for all of Jason's clumsiness with her Band-Aids. Go Arty! :D
The fact that the band keeps Josh around really pisses me off. No one in the group likes him. He's a fucking douche! I mean yeah okay I know how things turn out and it's part of the plot but dayumn girl! I just wanted to punch that arrogant prick in his throat most of the scenes he was in. I've known people like him, and truth be told I was personally the one who ended up having to scare him off. Which almost got me expelled, but you don't threaten my friends. I'm just saying. -fume, brood, rant-
I officially want my own Randy. Can I keep 'im? -puppy eyes- Seriously though, he's the type of guy you want as a friend. Jovial, chipper, spastic and loyal as hell with quick wit to back it up. I love his character. :)
Quite enjoyed the fact that you did some research on how to go about Skye's eye, and I think it was well done to choose Arinidia for the defect of choice. It makes more sense than a scar, and I think that's a cliché we've all written up anyways. Haha :) Kudos, kudos. :D
Jason! I'm so proud of you! Telling Cadbury off like that. -mothering grin- And the fact that Jace of all people was condescending his vocabulary is something else. Hilarious, really. Oh yeah, Jason's smart as all hell, I know, but he doesn't always show it. :) Huh. That reminds me. Zach left his Cadbury Cream Eggs here after that awful night... Should totally throw a joke in about that. Something super corny about Cadbury 'creaming' over himself about yada yada insert gay/eunuch joke. But that's just me. Kekekeke
"Thirty million sperm and that's the one that won?" I think this. ALL. THE TIME.
Baaahahahahahaha, I don't know where this came from, but when it's mentioned that Yami tends to do all the homework and whatnot, I pictured someone trying to coo him into it and then calling him "Yami Salami." And then he proceeded to bash their head in with a text book or even 'The Prince." Ha!
"Back alley plastic surgery" is such a fantabulous line. Juss sayin'.
Even knowing what happens, the alleyway fight was terrifying. Between Jason flipping shit, getting knocked out, and Artemis crying, it's all too real a scenario not to disconcert someone. It's just spooky to think that it can actually happen to someone, and I think the way you described it was perfect, not too overdone, but not too under exaggerated either.
The scene with Rori and Artemis made me all warm and fuzzy inside. (Not the moldy kind, mind you.) It's so sweet I think my teeth decayed. Really though. this is another example of how compassionate Rori is, and how understanding he is. That's a good thing as far as development is concerned, and I think it kind of saves his character from being hated pretty passionately pretty early on. It also shows how close he and Arty are, and that bit of back story really helps bring her to life the rest of the way.
Only thing I have any issue with is the ending. It was good, but seemed a bit quipped. It was a little rushed in my opinion, but honestly I couldn't tell you how to end it otherwise. I'm horrible at these things. only thing I can think of is drawing out the last scene to trail off rather than end abruptly, but again I don't know, and hey, it's not my story. So.
That being said, sorry I don't have much constructive to say. Woohoo, two chapters in one day! Now then, I'm going to go WarHeads my tongue into submission if no one minds. Tata!
| AcrylicHeart chapter 5 . 4/10/2013
Don't know if you were able to read that atrocious scribble that was my self-notes to review this chapter, but as I wrote there, I absolutely adore the extended scene before the dream this time 'round. It definitely develops Rori, and shows that even the Red King has his insecurities. It builds his character in a positive manner, which is something we haven't been able to see with him often up til this point. Until know he's simply been the bane of Jason's existence. Now, he's more humanized, with feelings and emotions and vulnerabilities. And in a way I think this little interlude into Rori's mind makes that dream scene all the more impactful.
As for aforementioned dream, it has a whole new level of freaky. I'm fairly certain this would be one of the few times I' wake up panicked beyond all reckoning. It's utterly terrifying. I think a lot of it has to do with the language you use. It seems more dismal and hopeless and unavoidable. And that also gives it a more real feeling. It's a nightmare anyone can have. It shows the feelings of abandonment-whether that be from Morgan dropping him there at the mansion or his feelings of hatred toward Rori abandoning him-and of entrapment. he can't easily leave the manor of his own accord-he would have nowhere to stay that would be able to properly support him. He can't escape Rori because it's his manor. And in a way I think it also leads back to Morgan because he can't escape her, the person who 'abandoned' him here even if he doesn't know it consciously, because he's her muse and she his master. And thus the dream reflects all of these emotions. They pretty much threw them in J's face. And I also like that you didn't add lyrics to it. That hiked up the abandoned feeling, in my opinion, because he couldn't even hear Rori enough to know what he was singing, just that someone WAS singing, WAS there, and then suddenly, WAS not. (Although 'All The Pretty Little Horses' is a wonderfully sad lullaby.)
After the dream, I liked the conversations between Jason and Rori a lot more because it had a more realistic feel to it. Not that the first draft wasn't realistic, but this time I could see myself sort of in Jason's shoes, not wanting to talk about it but feeling the need to. I also can empathize with him in another way, because I've almost been molested by an ex-coworker when I worked in the bakery. I thought I'd gotten away from him, and now he's our nighttime cleaning crew and I mostly close. So I panicked when I first saw him, much in the way Jason panicked around Rori, but I've realized he can't do shit to me and while I'm the most qualified electronics rep in that STORE (knowing more than my manager in some cases), he's a floor mop. Although in Jason's case it's completely different, I know what that feeling of panic is. I also know what it feels like to walk into a supposedly empty room and suddenly the fridge is open and I'm hanging off the ceiling fan from jumping so hard. Lol. Ahem. :) What I'm getting at is, the whole conversation, down to the untimely interruption of Artemis, was very real, and very true to human emotions. It shows that Rori can be a good person, and that if Jason just tries, he really can trust him. However, it also shows that Rori also has to try. In showing all of this, it also shows that Jason falling in love with Rori can't really be chalked up to Stockholm Syndrome by Proxy, because Rori isn't abusive, and other than the rapes never has been. I'm sure some pessimistic ass can say so, but from a psychological standpoint I think not.
And let me tell you, I cackled with delight at the coagulated blood scene. I loved it in the first draft and I love it even more this time around. Fan-bloody-tastic. :D
Artemis seems to be very, very well put together, VERY nicely developed this time. I think in UG she was almost underdeveloped. Not bad, but seeing this version and thinking of the first version, it makes me wonder if it was that she wasn't quite your writing style, or if it was just her interactions with everyone else, but she seemed batty, yes, spazzy, yes and, yes, insubstantial. It was obvious that she and Jason were close, but it didn't give that relationship as much weight as, say, Jason and Rori, when to begin with, Jason and Artemis' relationship is much more potent. She was an integral part of the story but she didn't carry herself like it, I guess you could say. This time, however, she is batty, yes, spazzy, yes, a total crack, a bitch at times, Jace's best friend, and one of the more important characters, and absolutely essential to the plot. Which is wonderful. She's very in depth this time, very put together if a bit kooky. :)
During hers and Rori's conversation, you typed "...with a bit A leverage..." rather than "of." Don't know if it was intentional to show Artemis' laid back personality, but it seems like a grammatical error. So's ya know. :)
Also, I like that Artemis is crazier, loopier, bitchier, and more REAL, and I think this is the first time in the rewrite that we are able to properly see that. Very well done on her love. :)
Faith also seems to be much better developed if I may say. She's just more real. Honestly. This time, reading Redux is like reading an account of real people, rather than just reading a good story, and that mark of realism is what will get you published missy. Just saying. ;) I'm damn proud of you, seeing how far this baby has come even if it's only up to chapter 3!
Random question time: Can Rori become addicted? Or is he addicted to cigs? I understand that the nicotine itself can't do anything to him, him being, well, DEAD, but can he develop a psycho-physiological addiction to cigarettes and the like? (By the bye, all that talk of coffee with Faith and Jason made me need a cup of Caramel Vanilla Cream coffee myself. I'm already on my second double-mug sized cup. xD)
And oooh, I really love the description of Rori being a black void in Jason's mind. It makes me think of a black hole; impossible to understand as of yet, but inevitably the truth will be discerned.
I think, personally, what Jason is struggling with in the last bits of this chapter, is that Rori finally dropped his devious Prince of the Night routine and showed Jason that he can be human-even if he's a vampire. Yes, he's devious. Yes, he's a right ass. But just look at how he deals with Julian. He's a wonderful person at heart, and I feel that sometimes he has trouble showing that because everyone expects the dastardly man-eater, and who is he to disappoint? I think that's what Jason is having a hard time wrapping his head around. Just speculation on my part. :)
Lastly, I also enjoy how much more in depth Morgan's and Jason's relationship seems to be. They aren't just good friends. They're inseparable, regardless of if Jason likes it. He can open up to her in ways he can't with anyone else, because ultimately, Morgan is like his mother. In a skewed sense, yes, but she is a muse's master, and therefore unintentionally created him. So they are very close. And I think you did a wondrous job of showing that. :)
Now then, I'm going to go before FP tells me I typed too much. Tata and see you next chapter!
| AcrylicHeart chapter 4 . 11/2/2012
"He'd gotten him all worked up that afternoon in the woods, and then he'd just deserted him like some random hunch of meat..." I assume you mean hunk?
Yeah, I noticed that Fp doesn't seem to like spaces after Italices. Lovely thing, that. I am rather impressed with this chapter, because as many times as I've read this original chapter, I am utterly and miserably disappointed in Rori. Of course I know what happens. Of course I know that it's not going to change, because it's integral to the story. But I am awash with pure disappointment in him. And while a very small part of me sympathizes with him, I think this time 'round you quite literally perfectly executed the relationship between him and Jason. I kind of hate Rori right now, for what he keeps doing. Which makes me a bit sheepish, since I know the story so well, but hey. :) There were a lot of parts that had me smiling along with the characters or scowling with them, and that's a quality I look for in a story, most definitely. If you can't empathize with the characters, they aren't real enough. And I think these little freaks of nature are more than real enough. I love them like a family while I'm reading, can see myself getting into three-way fights with Artemis and Kali, and getting into worse fights with Jason I'm sure. I LOVED the bit from Ju's POV, because that's not something we often see. Little though it may have been, it was a small spot of coherency he needs so badly, and although I know I'm getting ahead of the story in that aspect that's besides the point dammit. :P
Oh, before I forget again, when Faith and Rori are talking about the horses, he says "taking of my own horses." Now, this is Rori, so I would believe it if you said that was intentional, but I figured I'd point it own to make sure it wasn't "one of" instead. That's the only other issue I think I found.
Catch you on the next chapter. :)
| AcrylicHeart chapter 3 . 10/22/2012
Now, it took me over a month to read this due to things I've mentioned and general shit, but no matter how broken my reading sessions may have been, it is very clear how far this has come. Jason has transformed from our lovable if immature muse into someone with true character. It takes a certain amount of attention to develop not just a character, but a human. You have very much so done this with Jason. He is very realistic, has subtle nuances that only real people can have. You could program a robot to be exactly like him and he still would manage to shock it. He is genuinely conflicted at this point especially, and it shows in his reactions, and even the language in his sections. You pay a ridiculous amount of attention to subtle nuances of human behaviour and psychology, because this is really in depth. Rori has also really come along as a character. In the first copy, he was remorseful, yes, but mostly a lech. He came off as upset, but sometimes he didn't even come off as hurt about what he has been doing to Jason, because he would go right back to it without those needed interludes of him and his thoughts and no one else. Those blurbs, even if they're only a handful of paragraphs long, develop Rori in a way he never got to in the early stages. This is turning out to already be a truly great rewrite. I like the way it's sectioned better, I like the way it leads and ends better. The language is positively amazing. It genuinely paints a picture without being too detail heavy. I love Robert Jordan, but when I'm trying to read about Rand coming into his destiny, I quite frankly don't want a five-page discussion of that tree and it's history, and the current family of squirrels living in it and their lineage. I've never been one to skip sections in a book, but that made me come very close. I don't even get the feeling with this, and I also don't see anywhere that needs the extra boost. So far it has been in that picturesque area between both extremes. It is the happy median, not just on it. I tend to head back this way when I'm feeling particularly shitty-you know that, and I have mentioned it before. Once again, this has managed to lift my spirits and sober them, in a way. It heartens me to see someone who knows all the proper grammar usages, who understands punctuation, who cares about dialect within conversations. It really makes me proud to see JUST how much goes into this, and it thrills me that it results in a product tenfold the worth. Count me as one of the customers who will be banging down your door to get a copy when it sells out in stores.
-Ever your loyal fan.
| Indiriel chapter 15 . 10/11/2012
Well first of congratulations on 8 years of UG :D
Secondly again a splendid chapter it's nice to get to know the indevidual characters better than in the first version of UG. Also it seems to me that because you allready know so well what is to be expected in the future you are able to set the mood better and go into greater detail when it comes to thoughts and thought process of the characters.
And of course thanks for the response to my comment and i will hold you to that promise of finishing this lovley monster child of yours.
Looking forward to more and kind regartds to you,