|Reviews for Night Flight|
| Serious Sonneteer chapter 2 . 12/14/2007
Quote: Outside on the streets, the darkness suffocating like the fears of the people, despite the time of day.
This really would have been more pleasant had it been a complete sentence. Also I do not quite get what you mean by this. So you're saying that outside this cafe there is a cloud of darkness that lingers in the sky regardless of whether it's day or night? Perhaps you could make this a little more obvious so that people won't think this illogical?
Quote: Unconcerned with the outside, Jadea leaned on the counter of the bar with one elbow and her other hand on her hip.
I was thinking that your description could have been more sophisticated. Perhaps something like "...leaned on the counter of the bar, her chin resting on her palm and her hand on her hip".
Quote: “This is so unexciting, James.” She said to the bartender as he approached her.
When you start a dialogue, you usually start a new paragraph. The punctuation isn't quite correct, by the way. After 'James', there should be a comma rather than a full-stop, and the word 'she' shouldn't be capitalised.
Quote: “Liven up, Jadi. Stop being so damn depressing, I didn't hire you for this waitressing job to scare away customers.” James replied as he dried a cocktail glass with an old cloth.
Quote: yet it allows the
Quote: ancient shadow puppet show.
I'm not exactly feeling this.
Quote: Jadea yawned as she slapped a five dollar bill on the bar counter,...
Run-on sentence. Split it in two.
Quote: You know i hate taking si
I suppose you could afford to be more meticulous in proofreading your work.
Quote: She watched, and quickly recognized that there was one female figure, and four males, all still in their human forms. Even without transformation...
Right I'm not getting this totally. You could have shedded some light on what this 'transformation' thing is about. Have the depressing protagonist contemplate it or something, or else no one will knows what the hell you're talking about.
Quote: “Stick to your own species, you dog.”
I would advise against just writing the conversation. How is the reader to know who said this? The people outside the bar or the protagonist herself or her companion, James? This can be especially confusing and ambiguous considering that there was a dialogue between the bartender and the protagonist earlier on. So you'll have to make a clear distinction between what's happening inside and what's happening outside.
Quote: “Leave him alone.”
“Or you'll do what?”
“Or you'll regret it.”
“What a laugh. How dare you insult us by choosing them. You are a disgrace to our kind. A traitor.”
See, no one knows who speaks what. You mentioned earlier that there were more than two people or whatever they are outside the bar. So how is the reader to know that this is a dialogue between only two people in the whole group? Or that parts of this conversation is contributed to by the others? Descriptive details accompanying dialogues are essential not only in making things clear but also in adding flavour. Just as how you want a variety of sentences/words to make reading your writing a pleasant experience, you'd want to write dialogues in myriad ways, not just sticking to something as plain as just spilling the contents of the conversation and that's it.
You'd also want to consider varying the style of your dialogues. Noticer earlier that I referred to descriptive details as "accompanying" dialogues, not 'following' or 'preceding'. There are many patterns really that you can adopt and alternate between. Examples:
He said, "..."
"...," he said.
"...," he said, "..."
And of course we don't write 'he said' anymore, since it's just plain boring. There are many ways of talking and the word you choose will be important in showing the emotion of the speaker. For the third example, by the way, the punctuation would really depend on the sentence spoken and how you intend to split it in two. Or if there's more than one sentence.
Quote: digesting the whole occurrence
'Scene' would have been a better choice. There is not always beauty/elegance in complexity.
Quote: couldn't bare to
What you have to work on is the dialogue, making clear the plot, and the characterisation. Here and there, your descriptions aren't quite effective and your sentences incomplete.
| Serious Sonneteer chapter 1 . 12/14/2007
While your powers of description are quite praiseworthy, there are a few minor details upon which you could improve, though the nitty-gritty really mars not the quality of your writing at all. I hope you don't mind if I point them out to you.
Quote: In ways, it was as if the last bit of hope was vanishing, drowned out by the darkness and the sound of crashing waves.
The dictionary defines 'drown out' as to render imperceptible and, while you are correct technically, I'm inclined to think that such a phrase is more appropriate for sounds; both that which is being drowned out and that which drowns out. Hence your use of the phrase here didn't go too well with me, since sunbeams and darkness aren't sounds at all. But, like I said before, this is just a tiny speck in an otherwise immaculate piece.
Quote: With flowing black hair that blended into the approaching night and fluttered with the ocean breeze.
There's nothing ungrammatical about this but why would you want to leave this description a fragment when it can be a complete sentence simply by joining it to the previous one or the one following it? Maybe it's a matter of your own personal preference but I thought it'd look better as a whole sentence. Again, it's nothing much to be concerned about.
On the whole, this was pleasing and mysterious enough to pique an interest to read on to the first chapter. Good job.
| Tetelestai chapter 2 . 6/19/2007
a/n: comments are LOVED
so here's another comment for ya. :)
one thing: "Jadea could even see the faint glisten of the girl' vampiric fans through the translucent glass." should it be "fangs" instead of "fans"?
Really good start to this story. The descriptions are really well done and the whole setting seems mysterious-ish.
| iamthedave chapter 2 . 5/21/2007
ok, here's something a bit meatier to attack.
you could do with being a little less blatant about things like 'transformation'. if its something she's naturally capable of, i'd expect there to be a comstant awareness of it, a unique feeling or experience. you should bring that out somehow.
dialogue's a little flat. not very distinct. try to make this encounter one that could only happen in your world. Maybe through unique cursing, maybe just by them being incredibly harsh or incredibly officious or something. But transformation-related things are very close to my heart, and i do like to see them at their best.
hmm. age always makes me wonder. Thousands of years should, in my opinion, always show in one of two things: Speech, or thought. her coldness doesn't show her age at all, anybody who's seen a few dozen fights gets that way. what might show her age would be to mentally or verbally recount what they're doing, saying, THINKING when they face off, to run down the inevitable consequences, to ponder whether or not one side wants to run and whether instinct will let them. if you make the encounter much vaguer from what they can see, that might help. the scene's a bit bleh as it is, and i don't think it shows what you want it to.
ending's okay, but try not to use 'single' anythings as images too much. they're tempting, and powerful... but they're cliche, and a lot of people get angry when they see them. I'm not one, but just pointing it out.
so there. Sorry it's a bit brief. Give me a few weeks for the injury to heal, and i'll maybe give you something more indepth.
| iamthedave chapter 1 . 5/21/2007
hello! i don't think i've return reviewed you yet, so about time to catch up, methinks.
well, this is pretty brief, but it'll do as a startoff. I've fractured my elbow, so won't be as in-depth as I usually am. but here goes
-She was a vision of awe dressed in a simple white gown, and against the fading sky like a painting drawn with only shades of black and white.
Flawes image. First, you've clearly said she's being tussled by the breeze, which is most un-paintinglike, then there's the fact you;ve set this at dusk. there's an awful lot more colours at dusk than black and white; the sky tends to be orange, or even purple if you're lucky.
other than that, nice ending. brief to themax, but you get across a few things in extremely vague and poetic manner, which i guess was the idea?
| His Mercy's Waiting chapter 2 . 5/14/2007
Fantastic first chapter. Keep it up!
| His Mercy's Waiting chapter 1 . 5/14/2007
Ooh, that was intriguing! I loved the descriptions of the girl...gotta keep reading. :)
| An Inside Joke chapter 1 . 5/1/2007
I like how little of the death (murder?) you described. A little to much repetition to really draw a reader into the story, but an intriguing opening.
| Aquafied chapter 2 . 4/22/2007
tasteful and refined
although it did take me a second to figure out that the "kind" were vampires and not humans.
| Aquafied chapter 1 . 4/22/2007
it makes me wonder
she seems like a dove
full of lightning
| Carmel March chapter 2 . 4/21/2007
An excellent beginning to a story. You've already proved you have wonderful writing skills, with poetic sentences and realistic dialogue. I can't wait for more!
| Greenery chapter 1 . 4/19/2007
Inspired beginning. So poetic and powerful.
| Crewger chapter 2 . 4/18/2007
I love your prologue so much, it gives off a little poetic edge. The man is very weary of the woman who seems a little too fake, sarcastic, emotionless then all of the sudden, curious. suggestion right there, you don't really have to heed it and please don't take it into insult. good story! write more.
| The Postscript chapter 2 . 4/18/2007
Wonderful. My only sugesstion would be to be concious of imagery. You have a lot of good imagery - and I would not delete any - but I would like to see it become stronger as to make it a bit more distinguishing. In many great, famous novels the reader is able to list and track strong imagery, without making the piece any less complex and sophisticated. Great start. Keep writing, k.
| Alora The Sleepy chapter 2 . 4/18/2007
I like it. I'm very interested to know what happens next. The whole memory thing was confusing, but I assume that you'll explain it more throughout the course of the story.
I await your next update,