|Reviews for The Fifth Dimension|
| Alexander D.C chapter 3 . 4/10/2010
Well, this is certainly very interesting. It's stylistically clean and easy to read (except for the third part, which you noted), and moves along well. Alright, now for a few point of constructive criticism.
1) Description: Frankly, you're good at it, and it shows most when you describe various supernatural goings-on. You seem to be very good at describing just enough to let the reader fill in the rest, and that's wonderful. However, you seem to get a bit carried away from time to time, describing a lot of things in flowery terms. Frankly, I don't think this is really necessary, and slows down the story. I think you could "trim the fat" a bit; turning certain static descriptions to active statements that also happen to describe would definitely help.
2) Characterization: It's written first person, and first person narrative is that it's designed to really capture a character's state of mind and voice at the exact moment. For this to work, you really need to allow the characters to speak for themselves they way they might do so inside their mind, to make subjective judgments or statements that might not be entirely accurate in order to help the readers understand how they see the world. Since you switch narrators from time to time, this counts double: each character should ideally be distinguishable from the others just based on how they see the world. On the plus side, you already seem to be doing this to a degree; don't be afraid to take it all the way.
3) The third chapter: You've reached what I call the "fatigue point", as you seem to acknowledge. I've actually experienced a similar problem in my longer project; that point after the initial action is over where things seem to just slow down by comparison. Sadly, I'm not actually sure how to deal with it, as it's a problem for me too. Perhaps you should step back and reevaluate what needs to happen for the story to proceed.
All this said, very good work! It's definitely very interesting and engaging, and for the most part I had to actively work to find things that could be improved upon (which is a VERY good sign for you). You're obviously a very talented writer, and I hope to see more from you!
| graviola chapter 3 . 7/24/2009
It's a very intriguing and interesting story, maybe you should make a timeline for it and cut what you see that won't fit in it. You can always leave some things to write later, or a few aspects of your story open... so if you want you can write about that(or a character) later.
- What she sees - the names, the nature etc
- What makes her change her mind about ignoring it
- What she does after (what she learns)
- What comes from her actions (the things reaction?)
- What the outcome of all you builded until here(the end)
See? That's what I do when I can't seem to write what I'm thinking. You can always chose a goal (what you want to develope in the story) to each chapter, to make it easir to write. Hope I helped a bit. Good luck.
| talesoftrepidation chapter 3 . 12/18/2008
Blergh. I had a story like this. That kicked my butt, I mean.
I really like the parts in italics, mostly because they get at the meat of the story. I think what this chapter lacked was direction. The dialog was brilliant and I was giggling throughout and totally charmed by Brian (I for one would've been flattered), but I was a little confused about why I was meeting these people or why Abby was the way she was. I want to know your ideas! I will try to find you a muse!
| funky-gg chapter 3 . 6/12/2008
im hooked plz write some more :)
those 'things' are really creepy!
| a beginner chapter 3 . 6/8/2008
oh plz dont stop, just write it as u please... im sure u will get it on the page as soon as u thnk but if u find difficulty there is always a way of editing n re-editing... so just try
| Alisoun chapter 1 . 4/1/2008
oops! It wouldn't let me post the website...
Google "Seventh Sanctum" if you're interested :)
| Alisoun chapter 3 . 4/1/2008
I was doing some story surfing and I happened upon your page. The concept you've come up with for this story is truly incredible. I don't know if it actually relates to my next thought whatsoever, but here it goes: it made me think of "The Time Traveler" by H.G. Wells for some reason, the dream and the creatures with claws especially. The idea of being able to see something that no one else can...it's unnerving and makes for an awesome story, in my opinion. At the moment, I'm trying to work up the courage to jump into the science fiction type of writing myself, but the best I can do is steer my path away from romance (though I find it wonderful, nonetheless).
Though I wish I had some inspiration-o-meters to give you (Could use some myself, actually), I don't, but I can give you a website with a ton of cool generators to help you get this moving again:
It has managed to cure my writer's block on a few occasions! Keep writing!
| Silveralsa chapter 3 . 2/7/2008
Great to see another chapter for this! I thought you did a good job in reference to your A/N. I hope your ideas sort out so we get to read some when you have time.
Just one thing, the line, "The apartment felt blessed empty." It sounded in my head instead like, "...blessidly empty." Then again, I don't know if that's even a word...
| courtesylaughs chapter 3 . 2/2/2008
I really love this story so far. Keep up the great work!
| freakyAngel chapter 3 . 2/1/2008
Oh my God. The dream totally sent shivers down my back. And the last paragraph, man...
Oh my God.
| shairimean chapter 3 . 2/1/2008
Ok, I am going to attempt to bottle up my review into a nice little, convenient package to motivate you, but sadly, I'm not sure how successful I can be. :P
It is absolutely *great* to see another chapter out for this- when we thought all hope was lost, goodness (the greatness of your story) prevailed. I'm really glad to see that you have decided to continue this on, or atleast seem to be headed in that direction because if I haven't told you before, the story is just brimming with potential. Good potential at that too.
However, I can see how this in itself can be a bit of a problem; it will be inevitably hard to decide just in which direction to take the story, You're right, there are a million ways this could go, I myself can envision quite a few without even thinking too much about it. (Which is why I think you're quite brave to tackle this story, as it is quite challenging in my opinion).
The best way to go about it is choose the idea that you most like (sorry, i know, much easier said than done) maybe at the moment, and take it in the direction and perhaps you can insert aspects of other ideas to the story as it progresses (the possibilities are quite limitless). Please don't be put off by its complicatedness, that would be devastating for us really.
Oh and don't not be happy with this chapter either, it has definitely built on the story you presented us and we get a more clearre picture of setting, character, situation, pther characters etc.
The introduction of other characters was I think a good move, especially because at some point the main character does need to interact with others- and when better to introduce those others than the beginning?
I like the fact that you've made the characters interesting and, dare i say it, individual ;)- it certainly gives more dimension to the characters themselves but also I think it suits Abby's own character. I mean the fact that Bryan sems to want to befriend her while she sees people in general as emotional baggage- I think he'd be a good way to open her up a bit.
Although how ever interesting and kooky he is (definitely in a good way), I had originally thought (and yes secretly hoped for) that the potential love interest would have been with one of 'them'- like the angel in last chapter or something. I mean I know you haven't indicated that he is the main love interest but just letting you know what i thought before you delved right into it.
I really love the narrative o the story. I think using Abby's humorous, saracstic voice creates a good balance with the seriousness of the story (well the matter of the demons and things). It just suits, take my word for it.
I also really liked the dream and how it reveals bits of her past and her fears. It was a very effective way to end the chapter- very dramatic and coolio in general really. Also, its good that you've started to hint at her past and reveal it to us throughout her narrative, like I picked up on an asshole boyfriend, moving to uni etc- its a good way to set an image of her in our minds and also to set her in context to her life.
I know I've been going on for a bit but I swear its an attempt to be helpful, give you feedback and try to motivate you so you stop getting your butt kicked by the story and get out the next chapter very very soon (as I am *so* looking forward to it. No really I am!) :D
I know another reviewer said that she found some bits confusing, however I think that depends on individual response. I totally got the thing about the 'it' looming over Maria and her boy toy, and the fact that it was Sonny who opened the door to her roommate. Just clarifying so you don't think you were being confusing in general and so go back and scrap the chpater- because that would just not be good, no it wouldn't.
I would say that the last party bit perhaps was sort of cramming in their interaction a little bit into a little space of time- but then on the other hand, I also see you want to develop their encounters as well. (Agh, the hardships of being a Libran- the Balance just kills you.) I don't know, it sort of felt a bit too much to me, but you know thats the only thing that even comees close to a not necessarily positive thing, so don't fret about it, just keep those fingers typing, and we will all be happy. :D
So overall it was a great chapter (so why didn't she just say that to begin with then?), good progress to the story and the development is definitly going in right directions. I continue to be very excited by the potential of this story and will continue to be. :D So please I urge you to not be stumped by the complexity of any idea you have had, just take it for granted that whatever it is, no doubt it will turn out fabtantiscly fabulous, and get motivated, and write the next chapter asap, and in doing so aid me in the continuity of my excitement. :D
I suck don't I? ;)
| Irony Illuminator chapter 3 . 1/31/2008
Oh, I WISH I had motivation in a bottle, but I don't. -Tear-
Wow... Part of this chapter sounded like an expose on the horrors of college... I'm scared now...
I like Brian. He's funny. And apparently woefully inadequate when it comes to picking up girls. Poor guy.
That dream sequence at the end was kind of creepy. This story is starting to hook me. Hope you find some inspiration soon.
| LoveMySoul chapter 3 . 1/31/2008
I absolutely love what you have written so far. I love how it has a little bit of everything from mystery to humor and a bit of quirkiness. I hope this will at least give you a little bit of motivation (though not in a bottle) to keep writing. ;)
| Frosthold chapter 3 . 1/31/2008
Okay, so this was very good! I really like Sonny (very good name btw) and Brian and her speech about non conformity was hilarious. Sometimes, though i think to much humor isn't necessarily a good thing - its starting to lose a lot of its funniness at the point where Brian comes in for the party. This is partly because, I think, I didn't get too many of his jokes. And also, you might want to go back and reread this chapter for flow. There were a couple times I had no idea who Abby was talking about: like the part in which she walks in on Maria's make out session with that unknown boy who Abby refers to as "it" (?), and in the part where Sonny walks up the hallway after Abby leaves her room i didn't realize the girl was Sonny (I think Abby might have been a bit more surprised to see her). Also, in the beginning you say how her other sense had its hackles raised. Well, that kinda made me think that it was Sonny or Brian that was making it do that (probably just me). Not that it's important if it wasn't them... i have weird, unintended takes on stuff all the time and it is probably not your fault if I'm being weird again. Oh and there was a grammar mistake when you say "loadly announcing my presence." And finally, the ending was great, once again ], the dream and the ending phrase were really spectacular.
| Erisah Mae chapter 2 . 1/15/2008
This is intriguing... and I hope you continue it- the concept is awesome.