|Reviews for Voodoo Doll|
| dipintheriverstyx chapter 3 . 7/14/2010
You so have to keep writing this!
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 4/15/2010
Great opening sequence, it hints at teh fantasy element whilst keeping it teasingly within teh realms of teh possible. "chewing on a lock of hair nervously" aw, i love that image; it perfectly conveys this tentative kid. I did get a bit lost with teh setting when teh lasy tells her to sit down - are they on a park bench, a set of stairs, a bus?
and then i had innstant rapport with buzzing end of tape - videos! aw the memories...
you've got a fair few sentences starting with "I" and not all of them really need to. e.g, "I'm slightly bewildered, and wonder why', could be "slightly bewildered, i wonder why," just for a bit more variety?
Awessome imagery and wonderful construction of a creepy atmosphere all the way through - teh ice nail guy was the icing on the cake :) and just when you think you're safe BAM :D
| Zombiefied chapter 1 . 9/27/2009
To begin with, it was all right, but to me it seemed that within your first few paragraphs there were way too many adjectives. I found that it felt pretty redundant. That may be just me, though.
Also, I noticed that there were a few instances in which you used fragmented sentences. It's very easy to make the sentence whole and still keep it short and sweet. Maybe you could use a semicolon or comma? What I liked about this story is that it seems you have a lot of talent. By reading this, I can tell you must be passionate about writing because you do it well. I enjoyed the story and I enjoyed your writing style.
| Lyllyth chapter 1 . 9/2/2009
I reveiwed chapter two and most of what I have to say is in there, but I also wanted to add that I really like the way you opened the story. It's good to start somewhat in the middle of the action, and I was immediately pulled in by the plight of the lost child. But starting in a dream and then having her wake up was even better than starting in the middle of actual action because it gave you some time for exposition. Anyway, good job!
| Lyllyth chapter 2 . 9/2/2009
Hey there! First of all, I really love their names. Lucca and Callum are so unique, but also memorable. It definately makes a story more interesting when the characters have interesting names. In chapter one, I really like the way you use the dream flash-backs in italics to explain past events. Putting it in Italics helps separate it from the actual story so that you know it's not happening right now, but making a dream helps to connect it to the present moment. In the second chapter I was a little confused about why exactly the faery in the pond had to answer 3 questions. Does that go for anyone who finds this faery? or just for those that make it hesitate before jumping in the water?
You have a tense change in the third paragraph of the last section of this chapter. you say "I can tell..." and "feel slightly relieved" It should be "could" and "felt".
On a positive note, i can tell you've really done your research about faeryies and I like the way you include things from faery lore. It makes it feel more real, if you know what I mean. Also you have good diction and your descriptions really add a lot to the story. This piece is very well-written.
| TheSheWolf chapter 2 . 8/22/2009
This chapter was good because it showed more of Lucca's emotion than anything else, and that gave her depth.
I'm still a little fuzzy on your take of fantasy and what Lucca's doing, so clearing that up would be great!
| TheSheWolf chapter 1 . 8/22/2009
Honestly, I think this is one of the best concepts that I've read on fictionpress. I liked it because your gammar was great, I couldn't find any mistakes, and the detail in how you describe the way people move and act is just fantastic.
I couldn't really think of anything that was too bad except for the fact that, this was a little confusing. What are Faes? Who is Ian? Why does Lucca think she might be crazy? Why did she and her family move? Who was the guy under the lamp post? These are the questions that haunt me . . .
| Danielle Gin chapter 2 . 7/21/2009
So I still like the story a lot. The characters are interesting and the way that you describe certain things creates an appealing vibe. What I do not like though is that there are some rather large plot holes. I’m not sure how she knows to go to the lake to find Faery. I’m not entirely sure how she knows that she’s cursed. I’m not sure how she knows about the witch’s house. Don’t get me wrong, I adore these ideas and plot twists – but if you’re going to have them they need to make sense to the reader. Right now they just seem very random and unexpected. Good work, all in all. It could just use some connecting pieces.
| LaFarfalla chapter 1 . 7/20/2009
Wow, this was really good! Right with the first paragraph I was hooked.
I really liked the memories and I thought they were well written. Starting with a memory was part of what hooked me too since I wanted to find out what happened to the narrator.
I love the creepy edge to the whole piece, especially in the end when she starts coughing up blood and ice...creepy!
Your writing style really gave the narrator a unique voice. I loved it when she looked at her reflection and says "Your majesty."
Great modern fantasy story! Excellent job!
| Danielle Gin chapter 1 . 7/18/2009
I am a huge fan of Fairy literature, so the fact that this story plays with the Fae is ridiculously appealing to me. Not many fictionpress writers handle fairy stories, and the ones that do don’t know about their history and other names. I’m really impressed and like that aspect of the story. Another thing that I like was your attention to detail. It was almost too much because of how poetic it was, but only borderline. It was just such a clear image for every little thing, leaving nothing vague. It had a really nice, almost relaxing effect. Great work! I’ll definitely be reading more!
| Narq chapter 1 . 7/14/2009
Oh~ a wonderful, thrilling and catching first chapter, no wonder you have 61 reviews!
This was really good and I loved the way you started almost casually, with a hint of foreshadowing... and then, BOOM! you hit us readers straight in the head.
| Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 3/27/2009
This was very absorbing. I loved your description and attention to detail – like the paint chips and the bells pealing softly in the distance. Although you did repeat yourself with that sentence. ‘Chimes pealed softly in the distance, their music carrying softly in the distance as a loaded reminder’.
It felt sad, and a little bit sinister.
| asylum writer chapter 1 . 2/11/2008
I like the creepy and mysterious mood. It helped to portray the narrator's anxiety. I want to know more about the people and animals she can see.
Your descriptions and images are good, but be careful not to use so many that it becomes hard to follow.
I'll be interested to see where this goes.
| Esther Jade chapter 1 . 2/10/2008
I thought you portrayed your main character well. The tension between her belief in what she sees and her fears of madness are well-conveyed.
I like the dramatic imagery in your writing but sometimes I think you use a few too many images and it becomes over the top.
Dark liquid dripped out, its smooth droplets leisurely dripping into the faded, cheap carpet like broken notes to a discordant melody. I turned my face away, nearly swallowing the mound of my white hair in the process. I was startled to find that it looked like dozens of glittering spider web strands in the bleached glow, and I fumbled with the power button on the remote, as if to erase the image.
These two images are much too close together. It's good to have arresting images but if you have too many too close together it dulls the effect.
I enjoyed this chapter - it was quite fascinating. I grew up on Irish folklore and fairy tales so it was very exciting to see someone else putting it into a story. Though, as far as I aware, there aren't any high holidays in early May. The times when the Fae are closest are over Samhein and Beltane (not sure about the spelling) and they correspond with Christmas and Halloween. Could be wrong though - it's been a long time since I delved into my collection of all things Irish.
As a consequence of using the Irish-type concepts, the plot strikes me as quite original. Even though the idea seems sort of similar to the Nightwatch books, the feel is very different.
around partially - I think there should be an "it" between "around" and "partially"
the mound of my white hair - I think this "the" should be an "a"
worse limitations - I think the "worse" should be "worst"
negative reaction by people - I think this "by" should be "from"
They were all just of memories - Should this "of" be here?
| defola chapter 1 . 2/9/2008
Oh, my. How very lovely.
You have a very great writing style. I absolutely love the recurring metaphor about music. And you give your reader great insight into your character's anxieties and personality. I love it. PLUS, my biggest peeve is when writers end on something shocking without properly baiting their readers first. And you have, in fact, baited properly. Lol. I believe.
And I adore this line: "It was all just as well, I thought as the light flickered and buzzed on. I would make a terrible queen. A terrible queen for terrible people."
Soda? Psh... Pop reigns in the heart of the Midwest!