Reviews for Core Series: Songs of the Ancients
lijuan chapter 4 . 5/31/2010
This is zhuli from China. We Wholesale also accept Drop Shipping Brand Super A Shoes, Shirts/T-Shirts,Jackets,Hoodies,Jeans, Handbags, Sunglasses. Use Safest and Fastest Shipping, Shipping cost is free. For more information, please feel free to contact me :

welcome to our website is :
lijuan chapter 2 . 5/31/2010
This is zhuli from China. We Wholesale also accept Drop Shipping Brand Super A Shoes, Shirts/T-Shirts,Jackets,Hoodies,Jeans, Handbags, Sunglasses. Use Safest and Fastest Shipping, Shipping cost is free. For more information, please feel free to contact me :

welcome to our website is :
yuanyuan chapter 1 . 5/31/2010
This is zhuli from China. We Wholesale also accept Drop Shipping Brand Super A Shoes, Shirts/T-Shirts,Jackets,Hoodies,Jeans, Handbags, Sunglasses. Use Safest and Fastest Shipping, Shipping cost is free. For more information, please feel free to contact me :

welcome to our website is :
Natsuya chapter 1 . 11/3/2007
Interesting. It was short and the pace was a bit too startling; you should have maybe added more description, told us more of Remi's life and the characters' physical appearances, which would have made it longer and evened out the pace. It is meant to be slow, with no media res yet, but because it's thin on any substance, it feels pretty fast. But be not distressed, fellow Space Orchestra writer! (maybe I should assign you to be the Celestial Violinist, lol, joking) Anyway, the plot seems interesting though you haven't introduced much of it yet and Enshrine might end up being a great character. She didn't show any tsundereness (know what that is?) which is normally expected from a character like her and I liked that.

I thought there was some wittiness here, little dabs of humour that lightened the atmosphere, though again, there was somewhat of a lack of that due to the uneven pace. I pity Remi for having to share his room with four boys...v.v...I guess not all of us members of the male sex take well to hygiene, lol.

Anyway, this seems like some good stuff that just needs a little bit of work. I myself had to revise the first chapter of Maidens again because some of the prose seemed a little unnecessary and...vague, should I say. None of us are perfect here. We are all (or most of us at least) working hard here to create good stories, so we are pretty much in the some boat. I hope my criticism was constructive, otherwise...you can slap me. Ok, maybe not! LOL. By the way, you haven’t added this story to the Community yet! (glares like a scolding school master)
Virage chapter 2 . 10/26/2007
End of first paragraph "At last they are safe" should be in past tense. Gotta watch those tense shifts.

"He checked his weapon as he wait for the rest of his team" minor grammatical error I believe, should be "waited." And same paragraph, you could just say "It was something familiar, routine" instead of adding the extra "a."

"Which one do you fit into, sir?" Cober asked. He was small for an ex-Regiment, but he was quick and had an intuition you can count on.

I don't really care for second person, because feels like messy prose. I think it would be better to avoid it and use "and had an intuition worth counting on." or "an intuition peers could count on." The reason being, we're the audience, so we can't technically count on him seeing as we're not in the same time and place as him.

"Which ever is on rest duty, of course," Cole said smiling.

Should be a comma after said, since "said" and "smiling" are sequential actions that cannot be performed at the same time.

"Some people like music, some people love music" should be in past tense, so "liked" and "loved" are more appropriate.

*

Alright, so I finished it, didn't catch as many mistakes down toward the end, and I'm sorry if I fine-toothed this thing, I saw something that bothered me, and then another, and before you know it, I was giving it a critique. Anyway, I liked what you did with the soldiers and just the fact they mentioned Jink and The Lady was fantastic. I have a feeling I know who The Lady really is. Which is awesome. Well, maybe I don't know who she is. The only thing that bothered me on a plot level was the names of the soldiers. Cole, Corbec, and Cober. They sound very similiar. Similiar enough for someone to get them confused with one another.

Alpha and Beta team seem to be pretty far away from where the focus of the original story, Remi and his new space friend. So I'll be looking forward to how you thread these scenes together. Good story and I hope you continue it. If you send Natsuhime a PM, you should add this to Space Orchestra. Unless you already did. See ya.

lftnc
Virage chapter 1 . 10/26/2007
Heya, noticed you updated this story, and I did notice it was different. Hopefully I can still review it even though I already did.

Some things that could use work. Don't be afraid to use pronous for names. There's a few times when you could just use "he" and "she" instead of labeling a name. It would help with the story flow if you did that. Example:

Remi jumped back, startled. Then he remembered something. “Don't talk until my roommates are out of the room, I would rather not explain to them why I have a girl on my bed,” he said quietly.

“How long would that be?” she whispered.

“Around thirty minutes from now,” Remi said, “so rest for a bit.”

The girl sighed and rolled onto her side, facing away from Remi. She squeezed the pillow as tears came from her eyes. After awhile she drifted into a heavy sleep. Remi pulled up a chair and took a book from his bookshelves. He sat down and started reading. Air will have to wait.

The second time Remi speaks, just go with he, since we know he's the only one talking to her. And in the following paragraph, "facing away from Remi" mentions Remi again, so "Remi pulled up..." can just be "He pulled up..."

Actually, the rest of the pronouns are fine.

The interaction and dialogue between both characters was much more developed, but I do miss the original dream sequence, it was so much more mysterious and this particular sequence was a little confusing, it was hard to tell where the dream started. Though, it was darker, so kudos for that. I'm glad I double checked this chapter, it was well done. There were spots where again, the flow suffered a little, some sentenced could have been shortened. Example:

Her body was covered in sweat and was overheating.

"Her overheated body was covered in sweat" would cut down on the second passive "was" which overall makes the sentence smoother. Keeping things as active as possible will create more punch in your sentences. There might have been others like that, but I don't remember where they are.

Now, on to chapter 2

_
Virage chapter 1 . 4/29/2007
Maybe it was the anime. Maybe it was proof of his own insanity. But when he opened the bathroom door and saw an attractive girl wearing outlandish clothes, he could not help but groan. “You gotta be joking. I just finished downloading Air.”

Best fucking line ever lol.

Ok, first the bad. There were some tense shifts which could easily be eliminated with the keeping "is" as "was" and so on. And the fact that there are no contractions seems reall awkward. But that could be your style so I can live with it if you prefer it.

Now, what a great great story. I loved the subtle humor and Remi seems like a great lead character. He's passive but can take charge of a situation (exploding at his roommate and leading the girl outside the room). The tension is really nice too and the dream! Oh the dream! It was crazy! I just have to know how it connects to the rest of the story, don't stop now, that's unfair. I think if you have a great plot for this story lined up, it'll be well worth the read. But yeah, the intro has me hooked for sure.