Reviews for Childhood Betrothal
SuperCUTEJensen chapter 9 . 2/6/2008
love this story...hope you can update soon
Samantha Elisabeth chapter 9 . 1/24/2008
Hm.. I like this story, I do, but there are a few things that I found off about it:

I think you should to the entire thing in omniscient third person. That's just my opinion though.

Also, I think Victor is definitely way too girly and really condescending. I want to like him, but he seems really unrealistic and kind of stand offish sometimes. I also think you should practice the way boys think and discuss things. For example, I can't really any boys I know who talk like that. I understood most of the references, like the whole Lysander, Romeo, etc and the X chromosome thing, but I don't think people will generally understand them.

Okay, so some little things I noticed (that if you edit your story in the future, or w/e, you'll probably pick up easily):

A freshman varsity captain? Captains are usually voted in by their teammates and I can't picture upperclassmen ever voting a freshman into a captain position. Plus, at least at my school, you have to be a senior to even qualify. Oh, and they're in Calculus, right? You say PreCalc somewhere, but no big deal.

Also just their speech patterns and the way they talk are really odd and not very realistic sounding. Just my thoughts.

BUT: I really like the whole premise of the story. I think you rushed into the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing rather quickly considering Laurel is supposed to not really like him at first.

OH: Victor "claiming" Laurel with the my Laurel and stuff makes me not like him, but that's just me. lol

Keep writing!
its.Nothing.Special chapter 4 . 1/13/2008
And the plot thickens its thickening!

...erm. Anyways. Looks like you're getting better and better at getting into the character's head, though you do fall back to objective narration at times. Practice makes perfect, though! D

[“I don't flirt with them; I merely respond to them in their dialect."] Nice rebuttal. -makes impressed face-

WHOO! SPANISH! Love how you threw some of that in; I adore the language.

[“Hola, señora. Soy la nueva estudiante, Laurel.”] Hmm, debes (o ella debe) decir "la estudiante nueva." ;)

["...Elogien ustedes a Dios. Puedes tomar el silla al lado de tu amigo Victor.”] I think it'd be more common to say "alabar al Señor" for "Praise the Lord." And it should be "la silla" since it's feminine. D

Zen and Tristan are cute. xD

I'll read more later!

;)becky
its.Nothing.Special chapter 3 . 1/13/2008
-feels like an idiot-

I guess you already explained the connection. It was interesting though; I didn't really know all the other stuff you explained at the end.

ANYWAYS, I liked the other bits and pieces of mythology you threw in here; you are one smart cookie! xD

Alright, I saw that . already stole everything I was going to put in my review (listen to this kid, she's amazing lol), so...I guess I'll just say:

I agree, you did a good job with getting into Victor's character. [Add her natural charm..] However, when he said that, I couldn't help but think "WHAT natural charm?" because Laurel's said, like, two words...so...I dunno.

[Then there was the fact that she was not a compulsive giggler and fawner. Add her natural charm and the un-enhanced but still gorgeous body to the mix, and I was whipped.] Um...that was a bit of an early "whipping." x] I mean, there HAVE to be more girls in school who don't giggle all the time. I really don't see why Laurel's so special to him so early on, but I'll suspend judgment. Maybe I don't know her well enough - I'm sure she's awesome! xD

He spent like two paragraphs talking about clothes. And although I shouldn't be getting this impression, he seemed a bit cocky to me. [Zen and I deserved our seats in this class, unlike some of the seniors who were here because they had just barely passed the prerequisite course.] When I read that, I was like...eermm, calm down kid, would you like some cheese with that? (you know, wine/whine thing...my teacher always says it) xD

[My ears perked up of their own accord, eager to hear her answer.] Okay, WHY is he eager, though? Has he already made the connection? Again, a little insight wouldn't hurt.

THE FLASHBACK WAS BEYOND ADORABLE. Aladdin is such an awesome movie...nice choice! D Off to read more!

;)becky
its.Nothing.Special chapter 2 . 1/13/2008
TEHEHE. They meet...and the plot thickens. x]

[He was playing with the pendant on his necklace.] -giggles-

Hmm..there seemed to be something missing from this chapter. I don't know why...but it just seemed a little flat. Since this is in first person, though, I'd suggest some inner monologue instead of having Laurel just say "he said this" and then "we did this", you know what I mean? Just get into the character's head. Since this is only the first real chapter, though, I can understand if you didn't really have a feel for her character yet, so I'll just keep reading!

VICTOR SOUNDS...

..well, I was about to say Hot, but Victor's my brother's name, so it just felt weird.

;)becky
its.Nothing.Special chapter 1 . 1/13/2008
Aww, that was a cute beginning! The flow was a little choppy, but it almost seemed intentional, so whatever. x] I'm glad that he has to win her heart first - it makes things interesting. -cackles gleefully, rubbing palms together-

[Her husband would have to first win her heart then lift her veil.] ADORED that line! -grins- I like this girl!

Victor and Laurel? Greek mythology? Hmm...I'm guessing it's because Apollo wore that laurel crown thing on his head and later the winners (VICTORS :O) of Greek games started wearing laurel leaves too?

Aanywaays, I really liked the way this started - though I thought the chapter should have a better ending line to really hook the reader. It seemed an awkward place to cut the prologue off. -shrugs-

Must read more!

;)becky
Nadinerdrgz chapter 9 . 12/7/2007
AWW I LIKE IT
BlorangeForever chapter 9 . 9/27/2007
Hmm, this is a really cute idea for a story. I like the way they interact; Victor sounds like my kind of guy. A couple of things, though: First of all, it seems to me like they're both a little too perfect-smart, sarcastic, involved in band/football, and physically attractive. I find it hard to relate to perfect people. Also, I guess it's not that far into the story, but it seems like there could be a little more conflict-right now it seems like the end is a foregone conclusion. All in all, however, an imaginative story, and I like your writing style. Can't wait to read more!
mia5081 chapter 9 . 9/22/2007
Ooh, Victor's parents thought they did the no no cha cha! How more wrong could they be lol

Update soon!

Mia
hopelessromantic444 chapter 9 . 9/20/2007
awesome story so far!
accountabandon chapter 2 . 9/20/2007
I love dramatic irony! This is awesome!
accountabandon chapter 1 . 9/20/2007
I'm just starting this, but I think it sounds like it's going to be really good and cute!
Midge-The-Hopeless-Romantic chapter 9 . 9/20/2007
lovely chapter, and ID LOVE the one shot!

please do update soon as you can, noo rush though

midge

P.S. i want victor!
atreyu love chapter 9 . 9/19/2007
OMG.

PLEASE UPDATE!

this is so cute! :)
Fleeting Moment chapter 9 . 9/19/2007
HURRY UP THIS STORY ROCKS! UPDATE!
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