|Reviews for She Walks in Beauty|
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/29/2014
| Jessy1999me.com chapter 29 . 10/29/2012
I would love to read it
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/19/2012
So I just spent my entire afternoon reading your story and I loved it. It was very well written, however you could hae been a little more smooth when it came to changing character point of views. Sad to see it ended.
| Red chapter 29 . 11/2/2010
I hope you update this story, I love it :)
| Drama-Geek-1662 chapter 29 . 10/6/2009
I love this entire story it was amazing, you should keep writing!
| Aquilarealm chapter 29 . 9/29/2009
ok! I really enjoyed this chapter! Why? Well, when I was reading this, the tense scenes between Hades and Persephone...which is to say it's more than half of the chapter, felt really really jumbled and tight, and I was so frustrated by that that I enjoyed it because it fit their mood perfectly! Look at the chapter, you'll see it starts off very even, sentence, sentence:
*“That’s direct.” I shot back.
“I want to know. Where did you and Nyx go?”
“Now that doesn’t make me want to tell you anything,” I frowned.
“Then you are mistaken in thinking that I wish to persuade you. You will tell me where you went.”*
This is before the fighting gets really heated, wordwise and physically. Then, it suddenly shifts to that you have more sentences and even more as the argument is totally heated up. Take a look:
*Hades opened his mouth to interrupt, but I tangled my fingers in his hair and violently pulled his head backwards, constricting whatever words were waiting in his throat. “Well, I suppose you were mistaken in thinking you had even two options” I said seriously.
I let go with one arm and wrapped it around his chest, keeping the other arm firm. I heard his breath hitch and recover in surprise though it remained quick. “And while you are so busy not talking; I’ll explain that even if I wanted to tell you where I was tonight, I don’t think I could. Besides,” I continued sweetly, “I don’t think that would be a fair trade, and I’ve heard you like things fair,” I whispered so close to his ear that he probably felt the words before he understood their meaning.*
Then of course, byi the time they start shoving each other on the wall, floor etc, it gets to even more jumbled sentences:
*He flashed his sharp teeth at me, “Everything in my kingdom belongs to me, so there is nothing I can be denied. Least of all from the queen.” He traced the edges of my lips and suddenly it wasn’t him I was fighting, it was my own traitorous body, straining to keep my mouth firmly closed. He sighed lightly to himself, “So exquisite,” and his fingers trailed down my neck to the line of my collarbone and he paid such close attention to each inch of skin he passed over that I felt a blush skim across my cheeks. I was losing fast. I struggled under him, making futile attempts to free myself but his attention snapped back and his hands flew to my wrists. I pushed down hard as he pulled up, “Hades,” I croaked, my voice strained with the effort of keeping my arms safely by my sides. He just scowled down at me, as if scolding a misbehaving child, and slowly his strength overcame mine, stretching my arms over my head as he continued to hold on. *
That's all one section... then it goes back to the less jumbled sentences toward the bottom where the figthing has quelled down. I love this structure.
I also loved that I was surprised when Persephone pulled on Hades' hair...and I was actually terrified for her because Hades seemed like he could maybe punish her even if he does love her. "I will have my place in this kingdom and it will be at your side not below you, and your place will be at my side not above me." and "Then please tell me, my Queen; how might I serve you better?" totally drove it home for me because of the change from fighting to love with that sinister appeal to it and because Persephone acted really beyond my expectations when she said that. It struck me that she is Hades' wife and not Spring when she said that, thus my view of her changed for the better.
I must stress though, that while I did enjoy this chapter and noticed the reference to the beginning of the previous chapter where Hades does not want to reliquinish control, which drives him in this chapter, I had to read the jumbled sentences a few times to picture who did what and to whom. This might annoy some readers, but alas, as authors we try to jot down each move the way we see it and most readers don't appreciate it...such was the criticism I receive when I do this too, but I wouldn't mess with it yet.
I also should admit that the scene with the Satyrs struck me as "ew..really? she would pretend to kiss them?" (emphasis on pretend), which made me side with Hades in thinking she would never. maybe throw some attractive guy in there that would make Hades thoroughly jealous. And yes, I felt for Persephone in that why should she tell her love where she went? I admired her for hurting him...and winning before losing. Well done, I wouldn't mind reading a longer version of this!
"And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be" fits the chapter well.
| Aquilarealm chapter 28 . 9/29/2009
ok, i skipped ahead to read the next chapter before writing a review of this chapter, and i was impressed. I sat there staring and the screen and smiling...but that's for the next chapter.
This chapter was also impressing in some parts, mostly the idea. I love the idea of the statues of each god/goddess and especially the dress on Discord because just a moment ago, Persephone punished her in that way, thus it was reflected on the statue. But first, let's start with Hades. I like that you include his reaction to watching Persephone take charge of punishing Discord and his anxiety and "just watching" his wife in the future. This shows us that he loves her but doesn't want her to have a certain charge over him and certain affairs...a bit selfish...but it suits his character. Then there's the scene with him opening the letter, or rather holding it out for Persephone to grab. This goes back to the first part where he wants that control, and we can see this when Persephone basically acts like a child and jumps for the letter, while Hades just enjoys this. The scene was sort of troubling for me because while I understand that it was meant to be charming, funny even, I felt it a bit out of place because she goes from punishing Discord to jumping up and down, but not completely out of place because she is still represented as a child to show her innocence… I’d leave it and see what other people think about it. I also felt the play along part with Nyx was a bit out of place too because I hadn’t imagined her doing that…but that’s what makes it appealing at the same time, because she’s doing something you wouldn’t expect. Next, the description of the statues and the dwelling place of the statue is wonderful, you do the descriptions throughout very well, no problem there at all. However, Gaia for some reason seemed muddled in my mind. At first I pictured her as being part of the wall, then somewhere along the line, I pictured her like a woman but of light… maybe the “Her skin was a shade of sea foam green that made her wide, shallow set blue eyes shine…” didn’t register into my mind because I kept thinking of Demeter with that color skin. Finally, out of everything here…I wanted to know how Persephone expected to see light shooting from her palm… “I let my hand graze his palm quickly, expecting exploding stars and shooting flames.” How did she know to expect this, if anything, why this? I liked that you have Persephone enter the room unsure who she is and leave it with a better sense of who she is and who she is to become. Also the fact that because she doesn’t know who she is, she can find the room but once she does, it’s much harder. Lastly, the very brief, “where the hell is that girl,” made me gape because it offered so many possibilities to everything, image, thoughts, consequences, etc. Longer really doesn’t always mean better. As usual, wonderful saying!
| Aquilarealm chapter 27 . 9/24/2009
Hi, it's been a long time since I came on this site, since I read anything and since I wrote anything. But, now that I've graduated and I'm bored, it's time I started finishing your story!
Perhaps it's because I'm out of practice with reading, (I do get tired of even looking at a book, such is the consequence college has had on me that I not touch or look for a book for 3 months!), but there are some parts that are hard to understand, such as, "Is this judging-to-go, judgment for the god on the run and you don’t need your chair anymore? " I didn't fully understand this line but knew what you were trying to get at. However, if you delete this line, the it would continue... "...what do you mean you don’t want your chair? But I imagine all it looked like to him was me standing with a..." and this flows so much better and gets to your point.
I like the judging of Discord, and when Hades decides to let his queen handle the judgement. My favorite line, "And these were the hands and voice that were now responsible for the sentencing of another being." This line stood out to me more than a dress of thorns or any other part of the story because Persephone understands the power she now has, and you can tell that she can feel the consequences of her actions should she choose to condemn someone or not. Again, this idea of humanizing the gods comes up in your story not only through the characters and their actions, but through their thoughts as well.
I admit I was flabbergasted when I imagined Persephone squeezing Discord and holding her in mid-air with a silver...er...hand, (maybe green lantern was on my mind here). Then it made sense when you wrote this is her power now that she married Hades. I can't remember from the previous chapters, but was she aware that she had this power after being married?
Another thing I have to admit, I thought Discord would be sent to the Elysian fields instead, as she would have been at home in Tartarus. But then I wondered, could she cause strife there, as it is the Elysian fields...
Finally, we come to the scene where husband and wife, king and queen, Hades and Spring get all sensual again. "A smart slap against cloth." Did this mean Persephone slapped Hades? It's a good thing you didn't have a much longer love scene between the two and that you ended it with the same words Persephone used against Discord, as I wondered if the two would always be like this. Then again, it could be that I'm in a foul mood and that NY has hardened me to the point where I fume that no one shows romance and kindness and compassion etc and only care about oneself that I just had trouble believing they could be like that...(I think it is the latter).
A long, terribly harsh year for me so I'm looking forward to the rest!
As usual, wonderful saying.
| tuieri chapter 29 . 9/14/2009
what, there's more? why would you withhold it from me? D: cruel cruel author :(
| vallerine chapter 29 . 5/25/2009
wow...this is an amazing story. i love the characterization of persephone and hades. this this message reaches you, may i have the extended version of this chapter please?
| Vivian J. Edwards chapter 29 . 8/13/2008
i really love this story, please update soon!
| Aquilarealm chapter 26 . 7/17/2008
Drat…it seems my suspicions were wrong and it WAS Hades and not some creature in disguise. How horrible for me… Though, I will say that chapter 25 is exploding with possiblities...say for instance Hades finds her while going to visit Cereberus one day or that he rescues her...their relationship deepens, does it not? But, it's just a suggestion, whatever you choose is your choice. At first, I didn’t see how the saying at the top fit with the story, but after reading it a third time i realized the "the heart asks pleasure first" applies to Hades and Persephone being reunited, then "excuse from pain" could be applied to Persephone retelling what happened during her encounter with Discord, and the "liberty to die," i suppose would apply to Discord herself. "sleep" i'm not quite sure what this applies to, unless you're referring to the pain husband and wife were put through. You started off nicely for this chapter, but i almost threw my lunch at the screen when the time came for Persephone to tell Hades about her encounter with Discord. The transition was not very smooth and I was utterly confused whether Hades had turned into Acantha or (back to my suspicion) everything was false. only toward the end of this recollection did i realize this was the scene that was missing while Persephone brooded in the woods in one of the earlier chapter. the timing is very odd because you choose to insert that section in this chapter, but it would be lacking if you had decided to continue it right after their first meeting. Try working on the transition, make it smoother so it doesn't confuse the readers, you can do this by shedding light slowly instead of quickly like when you write "I stood up, but wished I hadn't..." The very same flower Persephone plucked to summon Hades is a nice touch (and so brutal). The end of this recollection where the spring goddess peers at her husband, in this section the transition from past to present was much more fluid and flowed well. Even better, you choose not to tell the readers what Discord had said to Hades. (i'm anxious to know what). I am perplexed by several things. If Hades can materialize, why doesn't Persephone materialize next to him? she's divine, shouldn't she be able to? the next question i have in mind, Can Hades do that? DRAG a goddess down to the underworld and judge her? that's a very interesting concept you have going on! Now, to Discord. Even though she was badly beaten, I felt absolutely no pity towards her. Was it your intention for the readers not to feel pity even though you described her covered in the most foul of appearances? (by the way, Hades is wonderful angry, particularly when he can actually put someone so evil into a sack and carry it like a feather. the two thrones were a nice touch too, i personally would have liked you to describe them to me. but it's good you didn't include it in this chapter). Finally, finally, who is this saying from? (remember to credit the originator(s)).
| Aquilarealm chapter 25 . 7/17/2008
Well, I certainly can’t blame the rest of your fans if they say ‘Bravo, Bravo, I want more, It’s so great, Love it, Where the heck are you with an update?” If it is possible, I think this section was even better written than the previous chapter. Persephone’s voice is surer and less wavering now that she’s to see Hades. (It’s amazing how she goes straight to him without any thought that she’ll not see her mother for 6 months). You got straight into the action, the first line in itself “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea” propels the readers onward. One of my favorite lines “Despair was setting in. Now the quiet wasn’t peaceful, it was tense and anxious, waiting for something to suddenly spring out.” This line captures my attention more because Despair is an interesting subject and I’m so fond of that topic that I’ve used it similarly to how you’ve used it here—as a live creature. I remember in my Classical Studies course, the Professor gave us a map of the underworld. I don’t have it on me but I distinctly remember that all the Harpies, Furies, Titans etc were on one side of the Underworld…before the Elysian Fields? But this approach you used was a very good method for introducing the Titans and other Greek Characters. There is something very eerie about her encounter with Hades in the part of the Underworld that happens to be called False Dreams. I was thoroughly absorbed (and blushing furiously, might I add) in the interaction between Hades and Persephone that I bought into it until she whispered to him “this can’t be real,” to which Hades (or his copy) replies “why not?” and invites her “down”…possibly into his…er…its lair. As a reader, my red face and smile vanished immediately and my eyes widened and jaw dropped as I stopped to think…what would Hades be doing there? The saying at the top speaks of truth and ‘by her eyes’…is Persephone seeing what she wants to and is truth what’s missing? I also wondered how Persephone could even stand let alone talk after crashing her way down a craggy hill without wincing in pain as she kissed Hades. She’s a goddess, but I’m sure she would be aching and bruised. An incorporation of this pain (and Hades concern even) would be an even stronger feel to this section. (The black fire was a very nice touch and the fact that it felt cold). I will see if my suspicions are correct in the next chapter (and whether my imagination has stretched even further). Amazing read.
| Aquilarealm chapter 24 . 7/17/2008
Oh Bravo! (I will try to be short and to the point). This section was not very long but so many things were taking place. Because it was not long, I found it more enjoyable than the previous chapter. For the first paragraph, try a different word choice than hope. The first time, you write, “I had begun to lose hope” and it fits but the second time, instead of saying “where I had hoped there would be peace,” try something like “where I longed for peace,” or a different word of your choice. Making a drunken Hermes spill the truth to Persephone is clever and a funny scene as he splashes the marble with nectar. I realized you stuck with Demeter when Persephone talks to herself but when she speaks aloud, she calls her mother. It’s good you kept it this way, but I was astonished that she would force her mother to tell her in front of everyone (even though they all knew). This added tension because the feuding set was the center of attention. (If you’ve read Oedipus, he makes his promise public and cannot take it back. The same thing here when Persephone declares her love for Hadesmore shocking to make it public). Even more astonishing, it was Zeus who had to tell Persephone rather than her own mother and the fact that Aphrodite came to Persephone’s defense made it even more enjoyable than the reader’s first encounter with Love. There were several few grammatical errors, to which I won’t get into, (it’s not as important as the overall work). It’s an interesting view to see how horrible everyone thinks of Hades, Demeter herself called him ‘filthy’ and referred to her daughter as being possibly ‘damaged.’ This is what makes it so shocking for her to accept that her daughter has fallen in love with the ‘filth.’ The fact that you made the time midnight seems very Cinderella-like, only she’s going toward her love rather than running away from him…yet at the same time she’s leaving another love behind; her mother. (As you can see, I’m analyzing right now). My only complaint (apart from having Persephone say “see” before she starts to say something as seen in chapter 22) is that while the readers can see the other gods and goddesses, they are obscured because there is no indication of what they are wearing. The readers know what Demeter and Persephone are wearing, but they are clueless when it comes to the other gods and goddesses. For example, what is Zeus wearing? Or Hermes? Or Apollo and Aphrodite and Aries? I did enjoy your making Aphrodite bicker with Demeter and called her a hag. It added such character to her than the usual lovely divine we are generally associated with her. As usual, lovely saying.
| Aquilarealm chapter 23 . 7/16/2008
It seems Frost's sayings go along with the story well, doesn't it? Just a suggestion, but you can use lyrics too, there are some wonderful lines out there that'll suit this story. It's hard to believe that someone spends almost the entire day looking for the 'perfect' dress, though it was not at all suprising that Persephone would choose a darker color than the spring time dresses belonging to her mother. I almost imagined it was Hades who left the dress for her. You did a good job creating anxiety and tension (or the building up of it) between Persephone and her mother, the reader's can see this not only from Persephone's suspicions and the shift from Demeter's usual behavior, but from the way she cackled like a mad woman. I thought that was a very nice image to see (Persephone) and Demeter in total disarray something i wouldn't have imagained for two goddesses, (esp. when the daughter began trying on the dresses and the mother fighting to withold letting Persephone know about the bargain etc,). The idea that the divine never being disheveled is thus refuted. Also interesting, the shift from the spring goddess calling "Mother" to "Demeter." this could be taken two ways...one, a mistake on the part of the author (even the best of authors become lazy) or you did it intentionally, to which i will give you the same advice my professor gave me, (if you're going to switch between 'mother' and 'demeter' do so throughout). if i recall correctly, i think you did mention the spring goddess calling her mother 'demeter' in some of the earlier chapters. i was astonished at the interplay between the two of women as they searched for the perfect gown. for instance, take a real mother and daughter looking for a suitable dress for, say, a prom. whatever the daughter chooses (most likely something revealing), the mother will object and bickering ensues. therefore, it was suprising to see how calm demeter was about helping persephone, (aside from the fact that she's overly protective and want to make her happy etc). excellent job incorporating what the young demeter was probably like. the extravagant dresses did the job nicely...not too much but just enough. (personally, i would have liked to see what she was really like, not just glimpses, such as when zeus raped her). you've got a knack for describing clothes and furniture and even dreams (all surreal/beautiful things) very well. the library, the dresses, the bedroom in the underworld, all of these you did so well. i daresay, i am totally clueless when it comes to describing clothes, architecture and even furniture. i look up the terms in books and on the internet just to get a jist of what is what. you describe these things very well, (perhaps you can give me some tips, i'd much appreciate it). "medium empire waist" for example, i've never even heard of that until now. the bows were a nice touch too. but i admitt, i was confused at the choice of gray with black, until i realized you were describing the bodice. of this entire page, the paragraph that begins "Her eyes reflected a similar pretty-but-not-for-me look" was most engrossing. you've got the distance between demeter and persephone dead on, the longing for Nyx and you have the spring goddess trying to do things on her own...symbolic for a separation to come...oh,but wait, she still wants her mother's approval, which means she's still tied to mom. (i could be reading in too much as usual). i won't get ito the imagery of the party, because it was very detailed...though i was confused about the mirrored glass falling, not sure what it meant or it's purpose (to look pretty/momentarily blind us before seeing beyond?) continuing on...Aphrodite! nice job on incorporating the affair between ares and Love. if i hadn't known that, i would surely have gotten it from this section. Aphrodite is an interesting character (you will see my version of her over the weekend) in that she's represented as this trouble-maker (ex. the Illiad) and also as this caring goddess (ex. the Aneid). the way she walks around persephone sensing that she had been with hades and the "“Oh darling,” her voice was dripping with sugar sweet empathy" made me dislike her immediately. she's obviously stirring up trouble for what's to come, and there you have your foreshadowing. You leave your fans wanting more (something all authors should do), but yo don't give us enough to determine who it is she's speaking to...i understand you don't want to give it away, but a blurry tip might calm the readers, (don't reveal too much). the last thing before i leave, is Zeus's speec...if it can be called that. it would be much better to have Zeus say a few lines as to why everyone was gathered. the readers know it's to honor persephone, but a little more from the ruler, other than let the party begin, will make him seem less of a drunk and a teeny-tiny bit a ...er...important person (aside from his anger and thunderbolts etc.). it was a long read, but i'm sure this review will be even longer to read. until the next chapter, ciao.