I don't have time to say much, but I just wanted to drop by and say great job on this chapter, and I hope to read more soon :)

~Carm~

I was just wondering if the lake had formed in a volcano or some other geological crater. I'm also guessing that the Father River leads out of the lake so it isn't a salt lake. (i would think crater lakes would be salty) just a few rambling thoughts.

I'm liking the dynamic of two seperate species having to interact together.

Not bad at all. The short length of this chapter makes it easy to read, but I think you'll want to add some more depth; I still don't know Reyel's age, or much of the intricacies of your world. One thing about your world is that they seem very bent on using those they deem as subhuman as forced labor; the fact that Krisha is consistently referred to as an 'it' by the protagonist is sufficient testimony. But that's okay, because this gives Rayel the opportunity to rise above his prejudices, should the story go that route.

Anyhow, I can see some inspiration coming from this work, and having a good idea is a key element in creating a story.

Okay, first off I am enjoying it, and I am straining to know what is going to happen next. Good job, I’m impressed. Here’s just some things, questions I have for you.

Oh and I read the whole thing, not just this chapter.

I am a little confused about the arrows and what they do and stuff like that, and what the main characters mission is really, but it’s okay.

"I don't remember ever seeing any of them again." I like it, it’s suspenseful.

I am not sure if I like the name of River Bend Holding. I can’t decide if it’s weird or too perfect. Hm.

Shouldn’t the word aman be capitalized?

"To some, the word ‘barrow’ conjures up images of a grave which I why I am using this word even though it was not, properly, a place of burial." This sentence confuses me.

“Thank you, Delrekra.” The woman-creature demanded no title, posessed no name but Delrekra, and that was more than enough to strike fear in the hearts of all who heard it, and most who said it." It’s kind of cliché for a bad guy. At least I’m assuming she’s evil.

Why is Krisha an ‘it’? Isn’t she a girl?

"The stench, like burnt fingernails" What do burnt fingernails smell like?

There were a few typos here and there, but no biggy.

Like I said earlier, bravo.

Harr.

*General mumbling sounds of approval*

Fine. You've managed to produce a chapter that I have reasonably no qualms with. Congratulations.

-"Madera stroked...whole together."

I don't know. This seems a bit...flat. Monotonous. It's almost as if something was reciting it from a list; I definitely have that mental image. We know nothing, no evidence of what Madera is thinking or feeling as she's going through these actions.

*shrugs*

-Fine. Reasonable. Through her actions, you've established that Madera is no stranger to the Spirit World, and that there are rules to the Spirit World, no matter how strange it is to outsiders. she knows what to expect, generally, where to go to get what she wants, knows what they might want in exchange for what she wants and so forth.

This is all so much more effective than trying to tell me that. Congratulations.

Ah, I remember this story. I reviewed it ages ago and then...stopped, for which you have my apologies. I've got a fairly good excuse, but it's not even remotely interesting.

Before I actually start the review though, I would like to disagree with a point that Lccorp2 made about your story, which you may or may not find helpful.

"In short, Krisha does not behave like a slave at all." It only doesn't behave like a slave if you dehumanize slaves to the level of subservient drone, which is clearly innacurate. No two relationships will be the same. There is no 'slave behaviour' that can be applied to all situations. If it counts for anything, I haven't noticed any problems so far in the relationship between the characters. Although I suppose you may have made some changes since Lccorp reviewed, in which case ignore this paragraph.

Anyway, on to the review, at last.

"Chespa meant literally ‘mule’, and was the best insult I could think of for an aman off the top of my head." I always think it's better not to translate words like that. From Krisha's reaction it's obviously an insult, and it seems too crude, I suppose, to have it translated in the narrator's head like that. I mean, why would they 'think' the translation?

One way of getting around it would be to say: 'was the most appropriate (instead of "was the best") insult I could think of for an aman off the top of my head', so the reader can pretty much guess what it means.

"It was a horrible, hair-raising scream" hmm...maybe a better description is in order? Both 'horrible' and 'hair-raising' are kind of weak terms. "It wasn’t pained, or frightened. It was furious." - this part, however, is very good.

"Perhaps even one I would find attractive. The multihued hair was certainly alluring." I can see the logic of this - that Reyel begins to realise that Krisha doesn't conform to the image of what a slave is supposed to be - uncultured, unintelligent, ugly, etc, but I feel that the realisation comes too early. It might work better as a more gradual process. But I can't properly judge that until I have read more.

"I realized that it had no way to accept my apology- ‘it was no offence’ would be a lie and ‘you are forgiven’ would be unspeakable from an aman slave." I really like that part. Although to Reyel 'aman' and 'slave' seem to be synonymous, so maybe just say one or the other.

The River Spirit thing reminds me of the Roman idea of genius loci. Interesting.

"To my surprise, the Shadow cried “Madera!” in his too-human voice- he sounded worried, which raised the hair on my neck- and dove in after her." I was pleased to read this, it's nice to see a pronounced sympathetic side to the Shadow. Too often that kind of thing is just the usual evil creature that can be killed without any regrets. Particularly when they're called the 'Shadow'...

I guess the manifestation of the River Spirit is something of a deus ex machina, but I like the scene, and I like that you use the opportunity to depict another side of the Shadow. So, to resolve the issue, perhaps you could either foreshadow Valshakar's existence somehow (unless you did and I failed to notice), or you could write it so that Krisha knows of it and deliberately leads Reyel to the place where the spirit is, giving you another chance to strength that relationship.

Basically, it's a good chapter. My personal preference would be for more description and more of Reyel's thoughts, but I know that a lot of people prefer more streamlined narratives, so, yeah. Do what you like. Obviously.

Hope that helps.

I like the concept of using sand paintings to summon spirits. It brings a unique style to the fantacy. Looking forward to new chapters.

Oh, the Devil you don't! No way I'm going to fall behind without having school as an excuse! xD

You know the drill. :P

-

"... but they Saw nothing over any of the trails." ~ This is a first; I'm pretty damn sure that capital "S" in saw is unnecessary. :S

"... and then more poles to hold the[m] down."

"Sin[c]e she didn’t have hides to spare... "

"The rest of her days were spend... " ~ Proper tense would be past, as in "spent". ;;

"... scrounging few berries and roots... " ~ This really feels weird. Do you mean "for" berries, or did she actually find few? oO;;

Oh... seems all isn't well in the antagonist's corner after all...

"... [s]he used the same red ones as she had when she first Summoned him."

I always think of red as "stop" and "blood"... must be just me. :P

"The village...they got horses there." ~ Something about the Shadow saying "got" really irks me. Could you change it to "have"? It just feels out of place, I can't explain why. ;;

"The only one that matter[s] is this-"

-

Fear can be an effective way to keep servants in line, really. Gripping them in terror, filling them with thoughts of the consequences of failure... although that DOES get a bit cliché after a while, I don't mind. :]

One has to wonder WHY Madera is doing this now. The simplest explanation is that Spirit Lake is imprisoning something more dangerous, and that she's trying to stop it from awakening while simultaneously hampering Reyel and Krisha's journey to Spirit Lake as well. O

As I always say... interesting. I'll be back when Chapter 9 is up. ;3

Hey,

A few mechanical errors (but I'm too lazy too pont out what's wrong and hope you figure it out yourself):

1)A few days’ travel northeast

2)merge; there was a barrow.

3)which I why I am using this word even

4)so some small only a cat

5)face with another woman- perhaps (isn't it women? and why "perhaps")

Considering the "storyteller" chapter title, int he beginning I thought the chapter was a sort of story told by the storyteller because of the omniscient POV. Also, I noticed, at the end, you changed out of the omniscient POV to a limited 3rd POV. I find that little disconcerting.

Besides that I found the chapter interesting and you handled the atmosphere very well. I'll keep on reading.

Hey,

Don't worry I promise not to embarrass myself in this review.

I'll note a couple of things as I read along:

1)"and the rest of his family"-shouldn't it be the rest of "their" family...unless you're a sexist and that would strike me as incredible considering you're a female.

2)"but out goal"-but "our" goal. I don't usually mention typos and stuff but considering that there haven't been a lot so far I'll mention the few ones I pick up. If it gets too frequent I'll stop mentioning individual pnes and just tell you as a whole.

3)"any cold drip on the sanded wood box"-"could" drip

4) "theshores of Lake Country"-I don't think I need to say anything here.

Well, I didn't really pick up anything else that much and usually i have other stuff to say besides typos and mechanical errors (this all bodes well for you). I still have some things that are bothering me a bit-1) Reyel didn't have anything to say to her family or friends? And no emotions whatsoever about leaving home? and 2) I understand this isn't going to be a long story but it still kind of bothers me when the main character is already embarking upon the journey/quest by the end of the first chapter. Especially when the first chapter is pretty short.

besides what i mentioned, good start. You have a free and easy style, uncluttered, and the pace moves smootly. And I'll keep on reading-but not this coming weekend because I'm going to be away to a soccer tournament. See ya.

~Dodge

Lovely, lovely chapter. The flow of the dialogue was great in this, very natural. And the plot seems to be moving along nicely. Keep up the great work, and update soon!

~carm~

I still like these two the best. The Shadow is the not the monster that such creatures are known for.

If the spirit that Delreka intends to be killed is far more evil, then why not explain this to the goody goodies? Why all the chasing of Reyel and Krisha after they have got what they want? I'm a pain, you know.

Oh, I live in Kentucky, just south of Cincinnati, Ohio. A few years back, we had quite a snow storm, 12 inches, and the next day it went up the 50s. It melted very quickly and the Ohio and Licking Rivers both flooded as a result. So, Reyel and Krisha are in more danger because they are near a river. Madera is lacking enough experience and common sense to not realise this as well. Again, it is just food for thought.

Okay, I have finally finished reading the Harry Potter book, and I am back in action.

I still like Madrea and the Shadow the besst out of this story, but I like dark things.

It is sweet that Reyel goes out to fetch the tea for the aman. Krisha should be really touched.

Some thoughts for you. A weird thought indeed, while I sit here in 95 degree weather, we have known it to snow in June around here. Also, I wonder if the weather is late spring, how could there be the worry of frostbite. I wouldn't think it would be that cold, even with unseasonal cold. Another thought is, there would be worry about floods from rapid melting of the snow . . . that is something about this area as well. I know I make mountains out of molehills. Still, it could be more of a challenge for you to throw at these characters.

Harr.

-"Krisha leaned against the pack of supplies it had carried that day, obviously having just stood watch. But we didn't need a watch, the Father River having taken care of our pursuit at least for the night, and that was how I knew this was a dream."

I'm not following this. Number one, it's always advisable to keep a watch, no matter how far your enemies are from you (sleeping up a tree was the most intelligent thing I've seen these two do so far). Whle wild animals or the like don't have to be threatening, all it takes is a band of raccoons or something to paw through your belongings, eat a good portion of your food and scatter your possessions all over while you sleep for you to be in trouble.

Number two, what is the correlation between them having left their enemies behind and knowing this is a dream? There's no logical connection here that's been explained either explicitly or implicitly in here.

-"“I don’t know.” We stayed beside each other in silence then, still watching the sky. The dream didn’t seem to end. And then, because it was only a dream, I did something, well- I guess I’ve already told you that I thought Krisha was a little attractive. Or might be, if it was female. But anyway...

I just took her hand."

*Alarm bells ring*

-All right. The antagonists are on flying mounts. They have a bird's-eye view (aha, me make pun. Me funny.) of the whole area. Are they in a forest? Jog my memory, because that's virtually the only way that the protagonists could have escaped detection from above. It'd have to be quite thick, too. Did they land in a clearing or glade of some sort? Otherwise, where did they get the space to spiral down? And where did the dust come from? Dust isn't the normal thing associated with wooded areas, if you get my drift.

-Hm. Suspicions on the rest.

The first paragraphs seems a bit long. First sentence is good, then it seems to say a bit much for an intro.

Especially when the next line is a one sentence type paragraph.

I wish I could have a bit more of an explanation of what exactly a "Spirit Woman" is, or why they called her that. I'm having to pull guesses out of the air here. :(

Apparently these people have high standings for said "Spirit Women" and these Spirits. Can't wait to learn more on their culture.

Hurm.

Reyel must really respect and trust Eeliek, but you could at least let us know this so we don't have to wonder why he's so ready to go on this random quest.

Heh. Pretty short chapters. Kind of a weak beginning, but *shrug* Don't judge a book by its cover (or in this case first chapter), so I shall be back.

~Reda