Your writing is very contrived. It seems so forced. I've read a few of your reviews and your grammar was not great, to say the least. I think your intentions are much too noble and you seem to try too hard.

When I read this, it seemed more like a Word document. It was too formal. Contractions are a good thing. It was difficult to read. For one thing, you are very punctuation happy. There were way too many dashes and commas. They're great for essays but in a story? Not so much. So, I'd say, tone down on the punctuation. Don't be a grammar nazi unless you can follow through without the help of a spell check.

Yeah, me again. :P

FYI - These [] also highlight bugs now. ;;

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Delicate? I'm not sure how a presence can be "delicate", but it definitely gets the cogs a turnin'. P

Ooh... sensitive incantations... :D

"But we didn't[’] need a watch... " ~ That apostrophe seems out of place. :/

"... accompanied- o[r] followed by- or herded by-... "

Those are some ugly birds. :P

"I just took her hand." ~ Not sure if you want to keep the "her" or not, since it IS referencing Krisha there. :S

Okay, so Bierdan is the plural of Beirda, correct? O

“I can’t get through the trees,” Krisha said. “Come on.” ~ The "can't" seems a bit odd. Not quite sure what's going on here. :/

Sucks that Krisha is forbidden from touching any of the stuff Reyel dropped. :[

"We were far off the tr[a][i]l... "

"I was a swell... " ~ A swell? oO;;

"... which did nothing from my patience." ~ Hopefully you mean "for" and not "from". :S

"Krisha seemed about to step forward..." ~ I think "was" would be a better choice than "seemed". ;;

"I ben[t] over and picked up the box of arrowheads."

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I can already imagine the taboos that Reyel will commit if he falls for Krisha. The attraction is there, although since Krisha's androgynous that's another issue in and of itself. :S

I'll be eagerly awaiting your next chapter.

Hi.

"The corridor suddenly curved, and she came face to face with another woman- perhaps." I'm pretty sure I know what you're aiming for here, but I think the wording is a little awkward. Maybe something more like '...she came face to face with what might perhaps have been another woman'. Something like that anyway.

"but these were as simple as if a child had sculpted them from clay" I love that image.

"though he seemed as sexless as a child's doll" I think the child comparison is less effective a second time, just '...as sexless as a doll' would work fine.

"The Shadow’s voice was low and resonant, like a deep drum- but still like a man’s voice," You could probably cut out the second 'like' and the sentence would still be ok, because as it is, 'like' is used twice in close proximity.

"They think to throw you off the trail." Good ending to the chapter.

I really like this Spirit Painting and Spirit Law stuff, it makes your story so much more interesting to read.

So yeah, nice work.

~The Dream Unicorn

This is a lovely story so far. I love the complexities of the various characters. Good job on this, and I can't wait for more!

~carm~

Long time no review I know I know. Where Angels Fear to tread Misses You. As im Sure KOTU misses me. I shall return. Anyways. Lets see what this is all about shall we?

First person POV.. *The Crowd Oohs and AHHS*

Tashya stumbled on me

Upon would sound better.

A brash main character per-chance?

I was kinda confused by walless. Did that mean that the city was wall less or something altogether diffrent?

on a side note. Yea More holdings. Is this story losely tied into the Heir?

Watch out for reusing words within the same paragraph. Shaft, Shafts. it can be a tad distracting.

aww. poor slave thing. thats kinda sad.

cool start ill be back later im sure

~Cheers~

Jesse

You know the drill. :P

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"... all thinks an unclean aman couldn’t touch." ~ Something feels VERY odd about this piece of the sentence. I can't put my finger on what, since looks quite disjointed. :/

"A long on the fire snapped." ~ You sure "long" means "log"? O

"The sun was settling and the day before had been a new moon, the night would be dark." ~ About that comma, you may want to consider changing it into a semi-colon or a period altogether. They seem separate enough that they don't need to be linked together. :]

Hm... seems Reyel isn't happy with his androgynous slave. Phooey. :P

"Everyone react[s] to fear in a different way." ~ No idea how that space got between "react" and the "s". :S

You use "black" a bit too much in describing the shadow figure. It'd be nice to throw in a bit of variety sometime, maybe "shadowy" or "dark"? Neither of those mean evil anyway, so you won't be forcing an opinion down anyone's throat (hopefully). ;;

"... as if he spoke in a spa[c]e so small that... " ~ Haha... there's a space in "space". xD

"It wasn’t painful, or frightened." ~ If you're describing the scream, change "frightened" to "frightening". If you're describing the shadow, change "painful" to "in pain". :/

"... collapsing in its branche[s] for... "

My mistake... perhaps he is satisfied with it after all. ;;

"... through the tre[e]s reminded... "

"I released them and the roar of sound outside overpowered me." ~ Wouldn't "sound of the roar" be more appropriate? O

"... would be unspeakable f[r][o]m an aman slave."

"She wore black leggings and a half-skirt and a top woven of gray woo[l]."

"... the bottom was almost obscured [b]y suspended gravel."

"I shook of[f] the thought."

"I heard the unmistakable sound of leaves being crushed up the b[e]nd behind us." ~ Correct me if I'm wrong. :/

Haha... substituting their deities for cries in "Oh God."... Always fun. :x

"... pale face looking up at [us] while blue hair danced in the current around it."

"The voice sounded more like it spoke f[r][o]m a distance... "

"It managed to cross the river[,] apparently by walking, although it[']d have to fight the curr[e]nt."

"... and [s]he suddenly slipped below the curr[e]nt"

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Seriously? What I picked up in this chapter made it feel like a rush job really. The other two chapters didn't have nearly this many oddities, so yeah. :/

Interesting chapter though. It's nice that the pairs meet so quickly. I can't help but feel that Valshakar is a bit of a Deus ex Machina at this moment though, since Madera almost drowned when she tried to cross. Eh... it's not like I'm the one writing though. P

I have a strange feeling that Reyel and Krisha won't be carrying that "master and slave" relationship forever, if that part where he looks at it sleeping is any indication. It'd be very interesting.

Keep an eye out for those "oddities" girl, I know you can iron them out without my interjecting. I'll see you next update. x3

PS: Keep track of the anonymous reviews you get (hint, HINT), and practice what you preach.

I are back!

Look! Me no speaks English!

Their so stupid, Enlgish speaks!

I have only have 1st paragrapho reado, buto thiso storyo suckso.

I mean, what'so knew about adventure that changes life forever! Look! I almost died few times too! So cliche!

This not the last of Worst Nightmare Yours is.

Tata, English speaker!

Back for some more, seeing as progress on my next chapter is quite slow at the moment. xD

Same as before, so yeah. :P

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"... [some] [so] small only a cat could scramble through them." ~ The words got flipped when you wrote it. :S

After thinking about what you said, native american (specifically folklore) seems to be a good fit. Although ambiguity isn't a bad thing either. P

Ooh... criminals FTL. O

Hold on a bit... you don't mean to imply that Madera is going to be hunting down Reyel and Krisha do you? I'm not completely sure, but that's the image I seem to be getting. oO;;

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Short chapters mean short reviews, but there's definitely a lot of questions presented here. Hopefully you'll answer them as the chapters pile up. :P

I'm not sure if I missed any other minor errors, so if I did, hopefully others will point them out. ;;

This is looking quite interesting so far. Keep it up! ;D

"The day I began the adventure that changed" - Those first few words are kind of cliches, especially in fantasy, so I'd suggest changing it. Everyone likes a hook, right?

"and we feared no invasion but that from the river." - I would personally cut out the 'and' and have it as a new sentence, because it's quite a blunt and effective statement but it loses some of its impact as it is.

Hmm. It's a kind of Native American type of thing you seem to have going here. That's something you don't see very often.

'aman' - I know it's hardly anything major, but I have to compliment you on using a logical, concise term. It's good. And it doesn't need to be capitalised.

"Krisha’s people are from teh shores of Lake Country" - cut the 'teh' and it's all good.

"I didn’t doubt that the aman had already learned its place" - ah, interesting, prejudice is a good theme to introduce. Better than usual fantasy stuff anyway.

The final line is good, nice ending to the chapter. Interesting start, and it was a nice length too. Keep up the good work.

~The Dream Unicorn

Hello to you too!

A new story eh? Well, if it's short. I'll definitely follow along as dilligently as I possibly can. :]

You know the drill with this new review scheme I'm using, so yeah. :P

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Red Woman seems out of place, especially considering names like Reyel and Eeliek. I assumed it was a title at first, but lacking a "the" before it convinced me otherwise. :/

"... from the bread before any co[u]ld drip on the sanded wood box."

Genderless figures? Well the aman certainly sound interesting, but I'm a bit confused as to why the name is not capitalized, like the other names you've presented (i.e. Guardians, Lake Country, etc). O

"And Krisha’s people are from [the] shores of Lake Country."

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I get a sort of "native" feeling from reading this story. Sort of like folklore from ancient civilizations. I'm not going to name anything specific too often, since I'm likely to be mis-informed/wrong, but I'd hazard a guess at Mayan or Mesopotamian? ;;

Still, I'd think of myself as more of a medieval man, but I have no qualms with reading this kind of fantasy; it sounds like fun. ;D

I'm a sucker for anything that reminds me of pre-Columbian cultures, and I get the impression that you were trying to convey a pre-Columb feel to this story. But I'm a bit baffled; which? You refer to corn and flatbreads, which makes me think of the Mississipians, but then you mention maple syrup, when sugar maple is most commonly found further north than Mississipi, and the liquid form was rarely traded. Then, the arrows are made of a stone that's dark and shines-I'm assuming obsidian, since it's decent for carving, and I can't think of anything else dark and shiney offhand, but obsidian would have to be traded from South America or another volcanic area. The plazas suggest a culture with a centralized government, but spirit poles (which make me think of totem poles) do the opposite. And Reyel refers to his hair being bronze, but as a general rule of thumb only precious metals were mined, and gold and silver mostly in South America. Copper would be refered to, but not bronze.

Period-wise, I'm thrown. But I do like the concept of the aman. That sort of holy/magical figure is common in that sort of mythology (although I've never seen neuters there). Names also need a little work. You give most of your characters names like Reyel, but then you mention Red Woman, which seems out-of-place.

Your structuring is decent, although you'll want to use spellcheck; I caught a "teh", and you have one or two typos that spellcheck wouldn't notice, like using cold instead of could.

You might want to do a bit of research into various Pre-Columbian cultures if you're going to use it as a basis for your story, especially since jumbling them all together can be confusing. Besides, you might find something really neat that you can use in your story that you might not have otherwise discovered.