The first two paragraphs repeat... is that... intentional?

Again, your conversation with the other characters is natural-sounding and smooth. But Ruth... don't tell us "Ruth was confused" ... she certainly isn't acting confused. The first thing she says is very unrealistic. All she has to say is "Like, where am I?" Think about it. If you woke up in a house after your friend dissapeared, wouldn't you be a little bit more shaken up? Screaming, maybe, or shock... or not wanting to speak to anyone. Why isn't she afraid of the people she's encountering? For all she knows the knight knocked her out and kidnapped her.

(I'm reviewing this as I read so yeah)

Okay, she randomly feels comfortable with them. That explains it, but... the reader (me) still doesn't feel comfortable with them. If she feels it, we should feel it. It should be realistic... just because a cheery old man offers you soup, that doesn't change the fact of what has happened. The only thing I can think of it is's some kind of spell or drug. Even then... I dunno.

I like "To begin at the beginning"... although - Morpheus? Welcome to the matrix! You have been sucked into another world through a black rock! What do you choose - the red pill or the blue pill?

Hahaha... "I am Strong!" ... that's awesome. It would've worked better if he hadn't seemed like a normal person 30 seconds before. Or if she had said "I am Ruth, because I was named after my grandmother" and he replied "I am Strong" ... that would have been hilarious.

Although now, he just seems cheesy. He was so friendly moments ago, and now it's "don't you dare call me by my first name"

Cassian is a very pretty name. Although.. the vague talking about "the one" and all this... (Neo!) it's just... how many stories have you read that do that same thing? A girl gets sucked into a magical world where two fantastical people talk about how she's the mysterious chosen one they have been looking for... and talking about people and places we haven't heard of.

WOAH. Cassian and Morpheus are different people. Woah. Totally forgot there were 3 people in the room. I was wondering if the knight was the Irish one... confusing. Or I'm dumb.

Really, Ruth is far too accepting of her circumstances. "I'm a boy... thanks for the clothes! Seeya soon!" o_O Come on, now. Would YOU react that way?

I like that she's going to find her friend. That makes much more sense instead of going on a magical quest to save the kingdom, which is what I thought would happen. My first thought, however, was that it would say "But WHY you are going ... is up to you to find out on the journey." Self-discovery! woo! But... yeah. You have a really intriguing plot here, you honestly do. But you could do very much better at stringing it together. If you want us to love the old man, make him seem loveable instead of telling us that he is. If you want us to think that Brian is a commanding force, don't tell us about it - show it in the way he acts and the way Ruth sees him. Don't say "Ruth thought wow how can anyone call him a boy, he's so powerful!", show us. I can't tell you how to show us, since this is your story. Something along the lines of "As Ruth walked behind the knight, his shadow seemed to swallow her. She could not see the kitchen around the bulk of his enormous muscles... He strode across the room and... Grasping the bowl of soup in the palm of one hand, he swallowed the spoon with his other, speaking in a booming voice as one would command an army." ... yadda yadda, you get it. Don't say "He's powerful". Let us figure that out. You are trying to paint a picture with your words. I know you can because of "reaching out from his body in grasping black tendrils like thick smoke" and about how his face hid a secret joke. There were more examples in the first chapter - the way you described the obsidian shattering and the knight on his horse. They were great. You CAN do it, so you should. :) It would make this a lot more artful and beautiful and more interesting to read.

-Jesse

The prologue is so confusing with the italics. At first I thought the italics were the narrative and the regular font was her speaking, but then suddenly she was speaking in italics and someone else wasn't. It's... hard to follow. And you said this was a children's story... If I can't figure out what you're trying to do with the italics, I don't think a child would. The dialogue was well-crafted, but some narrative in between would have helped set a tone for it. Simply reading the words, I have no idea what the emotions and inflections of the characters are. I can't picture any woman saying "Oh... silly womanly things" in a serious voice. Maybe if she were being sarcastic, or trying to dodge an issue. But in your story it seems out of place because besides "He asked, in a cruel, amused voice." you give little indication of any of their voice inflections or actions during the conversation.

I could picture the scene of her running through the town. You were very vivid. The italics tainted it all and made it frustrating to read the first time, however. Going back again, I see that there was art in it. The first time I didn't see any of that. Oh, and I liked how you used to word "Nattering" which doesn't exist but it's a very good word-picture.

Also - the use of caps is generally bad grammar. Usually those are in bold or italics... but you already wasted all your italics... haha sorry I have a personal grudge against the italics, I'll try and let it go.

Personally I think the opening is too fast. But then again it is just a prologue.

Chapter 1

Why did you switch tenses? First person to third person... THAT should have been in italics. It would probably look better on the page, because it could be on a page seperate from the rest and wouldn't be so confusing. (Maybe I'm just not smart enough to read your stuff)

The last line of this is out of place and ruins the scene. It's like you're trying to be mysterious and intriguing, but it comes out like "huh?"

You are very good at describing things. I can see everything you are telling me about. And your description of Ruth and Hana is very real... although Ruth seems entirely too cliche. Average girl full of insecurities... you play up the insecurities bit a lot. You talk about how she loves being with Hana because Hana is interesting, and then she sees her reflection and isn't pleased, and then "feeling dull for not having noticed..." Show the reader her personality, don't tell me about it. No person really thinks ever 3 seconds of their normal life about how awful they are unless they have a mental disorder.

Also why are Hana's eyes green if she's oriental, and why does Ruth have a boring first name and an exotic last name? haha

The stone reference in the prologue and the obsidian stone found in the first chapter have me intrigued as to how the two tie together - good job!

Oh... one last thing! The part where Hana dissapears and the obsidian shatters... either you did a very good job making it extremely abrupt and let us feel the stun that Ruth must feel and did an awful job of showing Ruth feeling that "HOLY CRAP SHE DISSAPEARED" sensation... or you should have drawn it out longer to make up for the fact that Ruth is like "my friend dissa - hey look a horse!"

-Jesse

Wow! I am amazed, this is really very good. I love all of your characters, and I think you introduced them well. I will agree with you that your strength is developing and writing about interesting characters ;)

Now that you have begun the story, will you finish? I'll definitely keep reading if you do. (sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this second chapter, btw)

And as for CC, I don't have much. The line about butterflies coming out of the corners of the room confused me. I had expected that to be important, or to illustrate a certain magic one of the characters may possess, but you didn't really explain it. Plus, Ruth would have had some sort of reaction to a million butterflies (which would be rather crowded in a small room)

Also, Ruth seems much too calm. I understand that she feels comfortable with these men, but the idea of a quest and magical clothes and all that would be a bit daunting for anyone at first. Perhaps she is in a bit of a state of shock right now? And will freak out accordingly later? Or at least show some worry about her future and that of her friend. Well, you probably have that planned for later chapters, I'm sure you will perform your character development throughout with excellence.

Well done, and I sincerely look forward to more if you care to write it.

~SCR

Sorry it took me so long to get to this!

I'll start with the CC, and I'm being picky because this is already well written and I know you can probably handle my nitpicking ;)

The first sentence bothered me a little. It's a little dull for a beginning, and a bit vague. A couple more descriptive words, and possibly a name to the town would liven it up a bit. I was also wondering how long she had been searching for this town (although that probably doesn't matter much at all...although if it had been a particularly long time she would be rather travel-worn as well as seemingly mad)

Anyway, the story picked up from there, and the only thing I can point out is a typo in the second paragraph "Mines, only mine..." I'm guessing you didn't want that "s"

Oh, and I was wondering about your use of italics. At first it was the woman's thoughts, which made sense. But then you were also using it for whatever she was talking to...which also made sense because he seems to be some strange supernatural creature only she can hear. But you didn't use the italics consistently with him, which was slightly confusing.

Ok, that's it for the prologue. As for chapter one, the only CC I can think at the moment is that the first paragraph is in first person and the rest in third. This wouldn't be as awkward if you introduced the narrator as a character and explained why he/she is talking about Ruth and Hana.

Otherwise, I very much enjoyed this beginning to your story :) The prologue caught my attention well; you set up just enough questions to make me curious and draw me into the story.

All of your characters are well thought out (as expected from you) and I especially liked your introductions to Ruth and Hana.

The last line was great. It made me laugh :D

I promise to continue reading this at a later time. Great job, I hope you continue to write it!

~SCR