Reviews for Mommies Day
ushouldkeepitsimple chapter 1 . 10/14/2012
So sweet and perfectly written.
The Eternally Heartbroken chapter 1 . 12/21/2010
Adorable.
lili999 chapter 1 . 5/29/2010
hi !

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An Insomniacs Rebellion chapter 1 . 3/16/2010
Very cute. )
Cuenta part 2 of review chapter 1 . 9/18/2009
Even though you mentioned in the summary that this takes place in a perfect word, it still manages to feel realistic (which is impressive, since I'm honestly not into wish fulfillment in writing.) It could just be me, but it feels hopeful with Kate and Elizabeth being together and planning to get married (and it does happen to Gay couples in real life. It depends on where they live though.) The interaction between them and Tabitha is adorable. I like how you showed who the "Tooth Fairy" really is (good job on that.)

There were a lot of dialogue tags when Kate and Elizabeth were talking. I can suggest cutting some of them down, especially where it seems unnecessary.

"Looked" and "smiled" has been repeated in this piece. I can suggest replacing at least one of them to enhance the word choice. Also, some of the dialogue lines need periods instead of commas at the end. If the tag does not have something like "said", "asked", etc., then don't have a comma before it.

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Corrections/Feedback:

{“Wow my pair is really puffy, and mommy’s is all on one side. How come Kate’s hair always looks good in the morning!”} A comma after "Wow."

{Tabitha looked at Elizabeth’s hair then Kate’s in wonder.} A comma after "hair."

{Sure enough she pressed on Tabitha’s tooth and it moved back and forth.} A comma after "enough."

{“Oh it looks like someone’s going to get a visit from the tooth fairy soon!”} A comma after "Oh."

{“It’s not all bad I mean she did leave you a whole dollar. Speaking of which what did you do with that dollar?” Elizabeth asked.} A comma before and after "I mean", and another after "which."

{“Ok maybe she’s not that bad. But how come she can’t leave me toys like Santa?”} A comma after "Ok."

{“If she did that she would put Santa out of a job. Now let’s go make mommy that super secret breakfast we talked about,” Kate loudly whispered.} A comma after "If she did that", and another after "Now."

{She picked up the card smiling at the hand drawn picture.} A comma after "card."

{“Hurry up mommy it’s gonna be really yummy!”} A comma after "mommy."
Brenda Agaro chapter 1 . 9/18/2009
The rest will be in an anonymous review.

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Corrections/Feedback:

{Partially awake, she smiled seeing Kate, her girlfriend of nine years lying across.} A comma after "smiled."

{“Must you always say that,” Kate whispered, still accepting the compliment.} I figured that it could be intentional, but it feels like there should be a question mark after "Must you always say that."

{On the third occasion however, Kate called after Elizabeth chatting her up for a few minutes.} I believe there should be a comma after "occasion", and another after "Elizabeth."

{It was that very afternoon they met up at a café, and Elizabeth was surprised albeit relieved to find out Kate was gay.} I think "that" should be between "afternoon" and "they." Also, a comma after "surprised", and another after "relieved."

{Each time Elizabeth would ask Kate to tell more about herself.} A comma after "Each time."

{She was absolutely fascinated by the lives of others, and being she felt hers so mundane, the trials and tribulations of a lingerie model seemed inexhaustible.} "and being she felt hers so mundane" could be reworded [ex: and since she felt hers to be mundane.]

{That was nine years ago, and Elizabeth snuggled in Kate’s arms.} I can suggest either a semi-colon in place of the comma, or adding "now" between "Elizabeth" and "snuggled."

{Elizabeth took the pillow pressing it over her face.} A comma after "pillow."

{“Aw you remembered,” Kate said giving her a kiss.} I believe there should be a comma after "Aw", and another after "said."

{Elizabeth yawned looking over at the nightstand picking up the portrait.} A comma after "yawned", and "and" between "nightstand" and "picking."

{It was of her in the delivery room, after eight hours of labor holding their daughter.} A comma after "labor."

{Sitting on the bed was Kate as proud as ever weeping at her two loves.} A comma after "as ever."

{“I can’t help it; it’s such a wonderful experience. And Kate, it meant the world to me to have you at my side throughout the pregnancy,” Elizabeth thanked. “Why wouldn’t I be? Even if I’m not the one who got you pregnant it’s still our baby,” Kate said.} Omit "Elizabeth thanked" and "Kate said." The conversation is between two characters, so these tags aren't necessary at this point. Let the readers infer how they said it.

{“Ok no more talk about semen. It’s a done deal, and we’ve had six wonderful years from it so far. So what’d you get me for my birthday? Sure you didn’t forget?” Kate teased in a graceful change of subject.} A comma after "Ok."

{“Then what was last night?” Kate reminded as she sat up exposing her nakedness.} A comma after "sat up."

{“Get back in bed she’ll be up soon. I promised her we’d take our annual family bed head photo this morning.} A comma after "Get back in bed." There should be a quotation mark at the end.

{Kate stood in front of the mirror frowning at her split ends.} A comma after "mirror."

{She unlocked their bedroom door looking at her giddy lover.} A comma after "bedroom door."

{“Hey don’t start with that, I won’t be one of those people. Besides I’ve been through a lot worse, and look at all I have to show for it,” Kate said as she crawled across the bed into Elizabeth’s arms.} A comma after "Hey", and another after "Besides."

{“Yeah like when we got our first apartment together. God that place was a dump,” Elizabeth sighed.} A comma after "Yeah."

{“Baby it was all we could afford just graduating from college. Remember how everyone said we were making a huge mistake. We only dated for eight months before we moved in,” Kate smiled rubbing Elizabeth’s hand across her cheek.} A comma after "Baby", and another after "Kate smiled." There should be a period after the dialogue line since the sentence after it is not a tag.

{Kate smiled lying atop Elizabeth kissing on her lips. “Want to fool around?”} A comma after "smiled", and "and" between "Elizabeth" and "kissing." Also, "smiled" has been repeated. Replace one of them with a synonym.

{“We can’t! She’ll wake up any minute, and you know she never forgets your birthday AND it’s Mother’s day mind you. And it would be a bit awkward if she walked in on us again,” Elizabeth reminded.} A comma after "Mother's day."

{“It’s as much my fault but-”} I think there should be another "as" after "much."

{“Mommy, Kate are you awake?”} A comma after "Kate."

{“See told you she never forgets,” Elizabeth whispered.} A comma after "See."

{Their three foot two angel smiled at the door.} I believe "inch" should be between "two" and "angel."

{Her long lack hair frizzed across her shoulders, her blue eyes gleamed seeing her parents.} I can suggest a semi-colon after "shoulders." A comma after "gleamed."

{She clutched two envelopes and ran toward the bed, and climbed up sitting in between.} A comma after "climbed up."

{She opened it up seeing a crayon drawn picture of the three of them holding hands.} A comma after "up."

{Kate opened the card seeing another hand drawn picture.} A comma after "card."

{“Thank you so much sweetheart.”} I believe there should be a comma after "much."

{She pressed on Tabitha’s nose seeing her giggle.} A comma after "nose."

{Elizabeth set the cards on the nightstand turning to Kate.} A comma after "nightstand."

{“Actually, we’re going out today. We’re all going out to a fancy restaurant for Kate’s birthday. You’re going to have to spend the night at Aunt Karen’s afterward okay?”} A comma after "afterward." And I could be wrong, but I think it's afterwards.

{Tabitha crossed her arms pleadingly looking into Elizabeth’s eyes.} A comma after "pleadingly."

{“Don’t worry Tabby, I had a talk with her and Mitsy has been declawed. So she can’t scratch you anymore. Don’t worry it didn’t hurt her they used a laser. But tell you what, tomorrow when we pick you up I’ll take you to the teddy bear store in the mall, and you can build your bear. Sound good?”} A comma after "Don't worry", after "hurt her" (or a semi-colon), and another after "you up."

{Tabitha thought for a second and uncrossed her arms nodding. Can I get him a tee shirt with my name on it?”} A comma after "arms." There should be a quotation mark before "Can."

{“Yey mommy I love seeing all the cool animals. Can I feed the elephants again? And can I pet the zebras, and than can I give the monkeys bananas, and talk to the parrots?” Tabitha excitedly asked.} A comma after "mommy."

{“Of course you can, and you can get any kind of ice cream you want okay?” Elizabeth promised.} A comma after "want."

{Tabitha nodded and picked up Elizabeth’s hand playing with the ring.} A comma after "hand."

{Kate smiled holding Tabitha’s hand.} A comma after "smiled."

{“Sweetheart we will get married, but we want to make sure the time is right. And I promise you, once we pick a day and a place you’ll be the first to know okay.”} A comma after "Sweetheart", and another after "first to know." Also, I think there should be a question mark at the end.

{Kate blushed comparing the size difference of their hands.} A comma after "blushed."

{“So what am I now?”} I believe there should be a comma after "So."

{Tabitha eased between them staring up at the ceiling.} A comma after "them."

{“I was in mommy’s belly, but you’re like my other mommy but I wasn’t born from you. That’s what mommy said.”} A comma after "other mommy."

{Elizabeth reached around Tabitha holding Kate’s hand.} A comma after "Tabitha."

{“She means a daddy sweetheart. You’re not angry because you don’t have a daddy are you? We wanted to be honest with you so that you can be comfortable with this.”} A comma after "You're nto angry because you don't have a daddy."

{“I know I don’t have a daddy. It makes me really sad sometimes, but I’m happy Kate’s here. She’s really nice and you love each other don’t you?” Tabitha asked in a moment of worry.} A comma after "each other."

{“Even if your mother and I aren’t married, Tabby we are a family. Your mother and I have been together for nine years. And legally I am your co-mother. So in a way I am your half mommy, but once we get married you call me mommy or Kate. Whichever one you like better okay?” Kate explained.} A comma after "Tabby", after "And legally", and another after "better."

{Kate nodded scooting over to the edge of the bed.} A comma after "nodded."

{“Well I’m going to start breakfast. Want pancakes Tabby?”} A comma after "Well."

{“Yeah and can you put sprinkles inside they’re so yummy!”} A comma after "Yeah", and another after "inside."

{“You heard the lady, she wants sprinkles,” Kate laughed as she stood up giving Tabitha a piggyback ride to the kitchen.} A comma after "stood up."

{She scrambled off the bed setting up the camera on the tripod.} A comma after "bed."

{The flash went off and everyone laughed imaging how it turned out.} A comma after "laughed."

{Kate took the camera checking the picture.} A comma after "camera."

{She tossed the camera on the bed letting them see.} A comma after "bed."
Karl Wu chapter 1 . 1/11/2009
That was acutally a really sweet story. I like how Tabitha is accepting, like most young children, but in a believable way. Good job.
Like a love sick puppy chapter 1 . 2/20/2008
Aww! That's really cute. It makes me feel all fluffy inside.
Elodie Wolfe chapter 1 . 2/9/2008
AW that was really cute and AMAZINGLY GOOD like everything ive read by you

Middi
The Last Maroon chapter 1 . 1/20/2008
aw, that was too cute.

“I don’t like the tooth fairy. She’s mean.”
Always Pencil chapter 1 . 1/20/2008
What the heck man! I want more. Why does it have to end? Can we get like a spin-off of the past of how they met?
sneekie chapter 1 . 8/8/2007
lacks a bit of omph, bit more detail with the mums but i do like it. Very family feel
shellbell10 chapter 1 . 7/8/2007
that was really cute story
Rae D. Magdon chapter 1 . 6/9/2007
Aw! Knightmare! That was so cute! This is what my life is gonna be like someday, I just know it. Except Tar and I are going to adopt a boy... did you know that they will have technology to combine two eggs and make a baby in about a decade?

Roxy

BTW, I have been working on your story. It's almost done! I've had concerts. I should send it to you in about a week.
K. Silence chapter 1 . 5/23/2007
hey, lesbian... what's up? i bet you get a lot of girls trying to talk to you, thinking you're a lesbian. That turkey baster thing... is it forreal? is that really how it's done? they should just try penis. it's not that bad really. you obsessive freak. you rock! just thought i would review, since you politely demanded it at the end of your story.
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