|Reviews for Fractured Fairytale|
| aish chapter 1 . 8/3/2009
However Ursaphobia is fear of bear market and nothing to do with Melissophobia which is fear of the animal bear. Did you use it on purpose ?
| The Psychopath Blonde chapter 1 . 3/9/2008
I like the idea of Goldilocks having obsessive compulsive disorder. It makes the story a lot more interesting and funny.
But in the beginning, you called the porridge 'porridge', but the bears called it 'soup.'
I think maybe it would have been better if you made the very end a little longer, or maybe told what happened to Goldilocks afterward. Maybe not. Your story's great as it is.
It's the weekend of the Review Marathon! (Link in my profile)
| AuraBorealis chapter 1 . 11/9/2007
the moral is halourous. keep writing
| Twilight Starr chapter 1 . 11/7/2007
Great title. Cute story. Poor girl. Wonderful job!
| The Ferrett chapter 1 . 8/21/2007
Funny, cute and smart - except you can't get 3 out of eleven. - its 343 then. Oddly enogh it still has its childish charm even with the changes. Too bad though that it wasnt Momma bear Pappa bear and Baby bear, though.
| Liviania chapter 1 . 8/14/2007
'So, hunger driving her to, she inspected'
The wording of that clause is a touch awkward. I'd simply drop the to.
'for it was too cold. She’d have to even out her mouth now, for it was much too cold'
This is incredibly cute! The OCD worked perfectly for the story. The little bear's grammar mistakes were also sweet.
| Melora Kimzey chapter 1 . 8/11/2007
I think this has to definitely be one my favorite retellings of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I hope you got a good grade of your psych assignment because you definitely deserve it.
| Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 7/27/2007
Mwahaha,I am here for my fairytale :3
Another OCD story? :P Why am I not surprised?
"all around her, and how quickly"
I don't think you need to use a comma when you have an "and" in a sentence. This is only what I remember hearing, and my memory tends to fail, so take this with a grain of salt.
adding a "had" is usually not necessary, and can be quite useless. So even if it's just a d now, you might want to skip it
"Goldilocks spent so much time worrying about whether she’d checked the locks enough times before she’d left that she wandered on and on until she was in a part of the woods where she had never been before."
Quite an awkward sentence. I learned the hard way that you should be wary with long sentences. Might want to rephrase it for more flow.
"How perfect! Goldilocks thought. Everything in this house seems to come in threes, my favorite number! "
*laughs* Oh yeah, and OCD's dream come true! ;
"number could ever harm her."
I think you meant "never", or she's incredibly suicidal
"It was so hot and she didn’t like it at all. Her mouth was much too hot now."
Hot and then hot again. No repeating the same word like that in sentences close to each other, tsk tsk Blyssie
"taking tiny mouthfuls of food for over an hour just to make her mouth feel ‘right.’"
Over an hour gone? That is a long morning walk!:P
"she would go up *it* and see"
Scratch the it
Favourite part of the story was definitely the bears discovering what oddities had happened to their poor belongings :P
This was however not as good as Brittany's Curse (though in a way I am glad it wasn't, because that one is the most recent, and should by all means *be* better than this )
I personally wished you'd have done your race more and not stick to the Goldilock story formula of how to tell the story (I never did find it appealing) Your own added quirks were appreciated though
And let me guess, you count Is and T? :P Aha! I am onto you! Discovered, for sure!
(Genre suggestion: I have seen fairtytales hang around the Fable place. Only mentioning this since you said in the AN that you had problem figuring out where to put it)
And may the name "Fractured" live on for ages
| mistressKC chapter 1 . 7/19/2007
I loved it! That was honestly one of the most amusing things i've heard all day - certainly a very fresh take on Goldilocks and the three bears. And it's even more amusing since I'm a little OCD myself too... oh dear, what was that number again? P
| fallin4ualwayz chapter 1 . 7/1/2007
very good, very witty! you did a great job! I hope you got an A for it!
| Alexandria Smith chapter 1 . 6/14/2007
Haha, that's funny! I love the humor in this one, I think I like this version of the OCD Goldilocks than the other one! :)
| Kristina Suko chapter 1 . 5/29/2007
Ah! That was hilarious! The favorite number three reminded me of my best friend. I love the moral of the story. Haha... cute.
| ClarinetWrathArineko chapter 1 . 5/23/2007
Touché, DarkBlysse, touché. I believe this is better than the Fractured Fairy Tale I wrote for Creative Writing (which will be posted once I get back to the computers that have it on there). Anyway, I already love your work!
| blue centerlight pop chapter 1 . 5/17/2007
This definitely puts a very unique spin on the three bears story. Although I'm not completely OCD myself, I have my own little idiosyncrasies when it comes to even numbers. So I could see a bit of myself in Goldilocks. My favorite part came when she had to take back-and-forth bites from the hot and cold bowls - that was really funny. Oh, and when she counted the number of Ts and Is in her sentence. And the stair-climbing.
Great use of language throughout. I only picked up on a few typos and tiny mistakes, which (of course) are easy to fix.
"Surely, something arranged in such a perfect number could ever harm her."
I think you mean "never," not "ever." Or you could change "something" to "nothing." It's up to you.
"She went onto the last chair (properly protecting herself first, of course) which was the teeny tiny chair and it suited her exactly."
Change "onto" to "on to."
"'But who has been tasting mine and tasted it all up?' cried the poor teeny tiny bear in a teeny tiny voice, with tears running down his teen[y] tiny face."
Don't forget that last "y." (Adorable line of dialogue, by the way.)
"This time the bears were sure that someone had been in their house quite lately, so they looked about to see [of] someone was still there."
Just change the "o" to "i" and you'll be good.
This isn't a typo, but it could run more smoothly: "So, hunger driving her to, she inspected the kitchen, looking everywhere."
Try dropping "to." You could also reword the first clause as "So, driven by hunger,..."
Also, lose the "had" in "...it was her own mother who had picked her up..."
Okay. Hope I didn't lose you with all that grammar gibberish. :)
Anyway, I love the story. Great work - I'll be sure to check out more of your pieces.