|Reviews for Anna's Curse|
| Honey Nut Loop and m-j chapter 1 . 12/10/2007
Elizabeth Carter leaned heavily (it is better to go for a strong verb where possible instead of a weaker verb and an adverb. How about collapsed?)
against the wall,(If you cut the sentence here it will sound punchier and more dramatic- the reader will wish to proceed in order to draw conclusions as to why she is leaning heavily on a wall)
a red handprint on her face ( I think you could improve on this. Make it clearer that she has been hit. For all I know it could be paint).
Her eyes, huge and soulful, were sapphire blue (again with extraneous adverbs. I know the eyes are important as I’ve read you’re A/N but I would leave it with Anna noticing them turn red. It matters little that they were blue to start with. It is the change which is important),
and at the moment, her lovely face (lovely is vague. Angel face? Try thinking of an image, a comparison. What does lovely mean?)
was crumpled with pain.
(New paragraph) Annabelle, the girl who had done this, hissed furiously,"I'll do worse if you meddle with me, child." (Here you put Annabelle’s anger across through speech. You do not need to tell the reader she is ‘hissing furiously’ as well. Think of an action to encompass fury. Does she tower over Elizabeth? Does she leer? On the other hand don’t go over the top. One action should be enough in this instance. The action will tell the reader who is speaking and you will be able to cut the speech tag altogether.)
Elizabeth glanced down at her amulet and saw it start to glow red (The amulet around Elizabeth’s neck started to glow red? The reader will take for granted that it is being seen).
She glanced up, trying to keep her eyes hidden (why is she looking up to hide her eyes. Would she not look down? or maybe shake her hair across her face?) but Annabelle had already seen the red, black and violet colours (delete colours. We know they are colours)
that where (delete that where (which should be that were).
That is one of those words, which can more often than not be deleted removing colours that were takes the reader straight to the verb which brings movement into the image)
swirling in her eyes.
Elizabeth stood (To me a vampire should seem less than human. I’m sure you can come up with a better word than stood to convey this)(If we were in Annabelle’s POV you would probably putting Annabelle’s reaction in here) , her instincts taking over her body. She snatched (hold of Annbelle’s wrist?)
Annabelle and growled (another instance where you could remove the speech tag), "I'll show you what I can do, Anna."
Without another word, she leaned her head back, and then dove forth, teeth drawing the precious blood Elizabeth need (needed) to survive. (Why is Annabelle not struggling? Or at least thinking about struggling. Surely she wouldn’t give Elizabeth the time to draw her head back. I think this could be made more active and dramatic. It is, after all, the climax of your scene)
Her eyes turned completely violet, as she drank (pulled the essence from Annabele’s beating heart. Just something that came to mind). Annabelle screamed, nails scraping and cutting Elizabeth, but no blood came (oh so now she’s fighting. What took her so long?) .
Finally, Elizabeth released her, eyes glinting dangerously as she slashed her own wrist and poured it over her (Her what?).
Elizabeth walked away, calming herself. Just before she faded away into the dark night, she called back casually, "Oh, and Anna, you're a vampire." (This could be much more dramatic. I hope you like the dark, Anna.)
Annabelle Smith woke, drenched in sweat. Her chest heaved as she tried to erase the terrifying memories. You see, Anna was a vampire, and she had been so horribly cruel, all that time ago. Now, her eyes, which where green in the day, turned brown when she was bloodthirsty. Her turning had been a year ago, so she was relatively young, but her age still appeared to be twenty. Anna had changed, that much was for certain, and she would never be the same...
1/ Is a dream sequence really the best way to start? Why not have the first chapter with her getting bitten and then have a jump into the future in the second chapter?
2/ Are we in anyone’s POV in the dream sequences? I got the impression we were hovering above. It is easier to convey emotion when looking through one character’s eyes. As the post dream segment is in Annabelle’s POV, I suggest Annabelle’s.
3/ Choose strong verbs. Avoid adverbs, speech tags other than said and ‘that’. Said is an invisible word, which can be used to tell the reader who is speaking. The rest of the time an action can be used to the same effect. During a conversation between two people set the rhythm and for the most part the reader will be able to follow who is speaking when.
These are not steadfast rules. Just guidelines. Adverbs are not evil. Omniscient POV is not impossible. ‘That’ is not sacrilegious.
I haven’t picked out every example. I started off doing so but then went over less and less as the chapter progressed. I hope you can work with this advice . Obviously this is just one opinion and you may decide it is complete rubbish.
It’s an interesting story but you asked for a critique and I gave one. It was nice to not have to sugar coat myself as is usually necessary on this sight to avoid flames. I hope I have been of some use. For a longer chapter a critique of this nature would be harder.
| Ash of The Wind chapter 3 . 8/28/2007
What I like about this so far is that it has just the right amount of story and action blended in. And now you say you're adding a bit of romance? Its only getting better and better. Post soon...that is if you all ready havent quit :(
| Ash of The Wind chapter 2 . 8/28/2007
I'm definitely drawn in. I adore the whole Gothic/Vampire mythology thing and thats what you've seem to do here. And yes I did read the prologue.
| moments-of-euphoria chapter 1 . 8/16/2007
All right. I'll try to nitpick. Here goes.
Prologue: "Her eyes, huge and soulful, were sapphire blue, and at the moment, her lovely face was crumpled with pain." I think the "at the moment" seems a little... redundant, I suppose, is the word I am looking for. And "crumpled" seems as if Elizabeth is grimacing, which doesn't make sense to me. (It could just be me, though.) You might want to say something more along the lines of "Her lovely face reflected pain." "Elizabeth stood, her instincts taking over her body." The first her is unnecessary, and I think it cuts the flow of the sentence. "Annabelle smith woke, drenched in sweat." Maybe you should use and adverb or something to describe how she woke, like "with a jolt."
Chapter One: First, I want to say that I love how you changed points of view. Being able to understand the mindset of another character helps bring clarity to a story. (Plus I think Aiden is cool.) "...alley, but as I prepared to eat, he..." I think that you should use the word "drink" instead, unless... well, you know.
Chapter Two: Just one thing: "Or ought I say, monster" should have a comma after the "or" and a question mark at the end. Or you could rephrase it so that it's a statement. That might seem a little more... menacing.
And here come the compliments: (Sorry, I have to.) It's incredibly creative. It really seems to flow. The jumps from points of view make the reading more enjoyable, because of the sudden change in perspective. Fun. Intriguing.
I can't wait to read more!
| elisefey chapter 3 . 8/2/2007
Hm... Quite intriguing.
| Carmel March chapter 3 . 7/28/2007
Wow. I must say, I'm impressed. Fantastic storyline, great writing, intriguing characters...the list goes on. I can't wait to read more of this :)
| An Inside Joke chapter 1 . 6/11/2007
It seemedlike fairly typical vampire fare.
| MahagonyRed chapter 3 . 5/24/2007
WOW! That was great! Every vampire story HAS TO HAVE a gorgeous looking vampire guy. Otherwise the story, by my humble opinion, is not worth reading. Cant wait for the next chapter!
| felicia13 chapter 1 . 5/22/2007
Catchy summary. Oh, felt I should reply to your little profile bit about tame things ... ZI gets worse deeper in. Yeah. And I'm sorry you have to be immortal. Because anyone who isn't most certainly can be murdered. Sad truth, really.
Catchy beginning, too. Do write more.
Isn't supernatural more for things like ... well, if you've ever seen the tv show 'Supernatural' that's what I think. I've always classified vampires as fantasy, myself.
Anywho, it's a catchy beginning, as I've said, and it displays the two main characters clearly without being overly obvious.
Since you don't like compliments, I'm going to tell you that I think it could use work. Honestly. This isn't my lying face, ok? In the last paragraph, you address the reader directly. Not cool. Unless you're writing second person (like Choose Your Own Adventure), never, ever address the reader. It's bad. Shame, shame.
There's a lot of telling here, too. You're like "green eyes turn brown" which is alright, I suppose. But "Her eyes, huge and soulful, were sapphire blue, but at the moment, her lovely face was crumpled with pain." that sentence from the beginning isn't cool. What do blue eyes have to do with pain? Nothing. So ... maybe rephrase and regroup.
"glanced up, trying to keep her eyes hidden, but Annabelle had already seen the red, black and violet colours that where swirling in her eyes." Makes no sense at all. Why all these eye colors? It 'tisn't cool. If you aren't going to explain why these eyes are so important within the next two chapters, refrain from mentioning it so early on. You want to hook readers, but not get them so confused with amulets and such nonsense that they leave to save their brains from involuntary shut-down.
Carved enough for you? Do you want thinner slices of your story? I'll be here. I'm sure I can find something else. I can nitpick like it's nobody's business.
Thanks for the review, by the way. Makes me happy to know people can still like that stupid little story. (personally, I hate it at the moment because I know it needs to be edited, but I just can't do it)