|Reviews for Benjamin's Lesson|
| Official Rambler chapter 1 . 5/25/2007
This story... made me unhappy. I don't know. I'm generally against the faction of essayists that yell at main characters for killing people and not getting in trouble. Which is why this made me unhappy. Because I'm from school that maintains that shonen should rely on blood and guts and giving as good as you get and more, goddammit. But then again, that's J-section stories. This... runs into the territory of Fantasy for Grunups. In that you have to think about it, and you won't necessarily feel better once you have.
Stories with morals bore the hell out of me.
| TaltushMeiMei chapter 1 . 5/18/2007
Hmm. Overall, it's well-written. Your writing style is clear. You grammar is fine. However, somethings bothered me:
"Good grief, what happened back there? Did I get hit on the head? Did someone attack me? Wait… if it was bandits, they’d still be around, wouldn’t they… focus, man!" He says "good grief" and "focus, man" in the same though. It seems quite unrealistic that someone would use these two phrases close to each other. That distracted me.
The next thing is that the plot was quick, and almost hurried-like. I would have wanted another moment, or a few more words. You seemed to rush through the story like you just wanted it to end. While it's interesting, why couldn't it have been a little more... real? Benjamin, as a human (I assume, and either way...), wouldn't be so cool and collected. He should be screaming, not in anger, but in frustration. THEN he should turn on Damien. The anger in the shock stage seems too quick (or non-existant).
Another thing that was quite confusing was when Benjamin was talking. You split it up into three quotes (unless I'm wrong, which SHOWS how confusing it is). "No courts", "But that's", and "But Darien...". Even though you didn't close the quotes (which is, of course, correct in this case), I think you should have something like, "Benjamin stepped closer to Damien..." in the big paragraph, because it's difficult to notice that it's still Benjamin speaking.
All in all, a good story. The plot's interesting, the writing is very good. While I might recommend to change the brother's name (the rest have normal names... why doesn't the brother? And also... why is the magic mentioned? It's just confusing), I think this is a sad, intense sort of story, very well-written.