|Reviews for The Fairest In The Land|
| Cetesy7 chapter 1 . 8/26/2007
that was absolutely kickass
your characterization is wonderful
and im very glad im procrastinating on my studying time for tomorrows test to read this lol
i cant wait to read the next two chapter! (though, knowing me, it may take a while to get around to it)
| sugarandspice91 chapter 3 . 8/8/2007
aww Drake's following in daddy's footsteps! this is a kodak moment!
i love the confusion-ness with drake walking in and his mom's like WATER and his dad's like BE A MAN and his siblings are like O PRETTY BLOOD I WANNA TOUCH. that sounds like my brothers. whenever one of them gets hurt, the other is like "is there blood? i wanna see the blood! o. are you gonna put a band-aid on it? "
its lots of fun. the little blood-whores. .
poor carl. its like, do i want to die now by pitchfork or later by magic?
poor drake isnt good at being The Valient Hero. he should take lessons or something.
| Keeper of the Holy Chao chapter 3 . 8/7/2007
His upper left arm throbbed with sudden, sharp pain. He looked down and was almost sick. His entire shirtsleeve was soaked in blood. The blood stained almost half his shirt, had dribbled down to stain his pants and wet the hay beneath him. Damn, he thought as he pulled himself weakly to his feet, all the hay I bled on is useless now, we can’t feed it to anything. Thank goodness we had surplus this year, hopefully Charisse will be able to spare –
Charisse is gone. Said his reeling memory helpfully, seizing the opportunity.
After reading this, I wanted to pinch Drake's cheeks. He really is like Kronk! Nice piece of characterization.
Charisse’s home had been invaded by apparently purposeless rogues who had defeated him and whooshed Charisse away into the darkness?
Well, we know it wasnt Hiei, he would have vooshked her away.
This whole "Drake worrying" thing is heartwrenching and well written, but it reminds me of one of those benign things stretched to "and then you will die!" even though it really isnt in this case.
It was at this precise moment, right after he said it, that Carl realized how much smarter it would have been to pretend that Drake’s suspicions were right. But surely he still had a chance. The man would never believe something so far-fetched, surely he’d keep interrogating him and then Carl could “really” crack minutes later and send him in the pursuit of someone named Frederick.
To Carl’s horror, Drake totally bought it.
Poor stupid Drake...I feel much worse for Carl. I know Carl on a very personal level xD.
“They want to be beautiful! Not, of course,” he babbled nervously, as if Kendra was looking over his shoulder “that she isn’t already beautiful, she is tremendously and overpoweringly beautiful, if not necessarily consistently, but nevertheless she doesn’t seem quite happy, women never are, you know, and – ”
I really love Carl xD. Platonically.
He faltered. What am I going to do again?
Poor Drake...I cannot decide who I pity more...the person who really isn't any good at thinking or the one who isnt any good at thinking when he NEEDS to be.
Carl spent a few moments searching for the sarcasm in this question and then realized, with a great deal of discomfort and something that was a lot like pity, that there wasn’t any.
I absolutely love this! Just...This wholy interaction between Drake and Carl...We never really had this much insight into Carls head during this sort of thing before...I really like it.
“You said you would let me go.” Carl hastily reminded him.
“I did.” Drake agreed. “And I’m a man of my word.” In spite of all the darkness, a part of him smiled on the inside. He’d always wanted to have occasion to tell someone that he was a man of his word. “But first,” he added for good measure “you must surrender!”
There was a bit of a pause.
“Alright.” Said Carl with very little hesitation. “I surrender!”
“Good! And, um…” Drake tried to remember what one had to do when one surrendered. “Hand over your weapon!”
“It’s embedded in the kitchen floor.” Carl said helpfully.
“Jolly good!” Drake lowered his pitchfork and blushed. “Jolly good!” was certainly not something you were ever supposed to say to your prisoners. Drake wasn’t terribly good at this. He hoped he’d get better eventually. “Go on.”
Wow. As great as this is, and as great as these characters are, this whole above section just goes to show how royaly screwed either of these two would be doing ANYTHING on there own...
Middle of Nowhere forest...do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for you to actually WRITE that?
but mostly because she had red hair, and he had red hair, and he wanted his children to have red hair. Redheads often feel very strongly about that kind of thing. So the two were married, and they bought a fair chunk of farmland near to her parents’, settled down, and had no less than nine beautiful redheaded babies.
Wow. And yet, this is true...
Drake’s father had never gotten used to being a farmer.
Every day, the retired Sir Hannesson awoke before dawn, dressed in a hurry, and went out – with his sword – to patrol the crops. And after every few weeks, if his children were not diligent, he would come crashing back into his house – Sir Hannesson was a large man; only now that age was beginning to shrink him had Drake, at six feet and five inches, been able to pass him in height – fling the door wide open, barrel into the loft where his older sons slept, brandish his sword, and cry out, “Boys! Awake! We are invaded!”
“Invaded?” Drake would shout in alarm, every single time, leaping to his feet and pulling his pants on in a hurry. “Hurry!” He’d cry to his brothers, yanking his shirt on and dashing for the door.
“Oh, pipe down.” His brother Ron would yawn, chucking a pillow at Drake and missing. “We’ll pull the weeds after breakfast, alright Dad? They’re not gonna grow in the meantime.”
Drake and his father alike would deflate with disappointment, the other brothers would awake and begin to dress, and Drake would be sent off to milk Hester so they’d have milk for their porridge.
The retired Sir Hannesson was even more dramatic about rabbits.
I love your characters so much...and yet, that hillarity actually leads into the next portion as an explaination to "Nobody even turned over in bed when they heard the door flung open and the thundering thuds of Drake’s huge feet as he dashed to his parents’ room." Good Job.
I love this Hannesson exchange. You are so good with characterization.
Sir Hannesson’s eyes were filling with tears.
I love you so much. This is totally the reincarnation of Mr. Righters father...
This was a great chapter. I know you didnt like it that much, but this was a character development chapter. You are always talking about how this is your plot-driven novel, and it is, but every story needs to be at least partially character driven. This chapter furthers the plot to the point that we KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON, while it characterizes Carl (and the other villains to some extent) and the Hannesson family in its entirety. In addition, this chapter fits right in with what I consider to be your own little writting quirk. No matter how serious a situation, it can be fucking hillarious when YOU write it that way.
I love you more when I read your writing XD
Ben-Ho de Fnordie, Keeper of the Holy Chao
| Zozma chapter 3 . 8/4/2007
So I doubt I made my First reviewer of the chapter go and am slighly ashamed to be so sluggish on the draw. But I had relatives to attend to and a small celebration for the kidnapped girl's return which mainly involved the hijacking of my recently purchased chocolate cake. More on that the next time we talk, which may tommorow or, failing that, Tuesday.
On to the review!
"He felt like he’d lost a wrestling match with a plough."
Drake: Oh God! My worst nightmare finally come to fruition. Charisse and I had sex! And she was the man!
You've captured the post battle hangover and confusion fairly well.
Poor Drake. His disgust with blood is fairly realistic considering he never saw a battle before. Unless he helped deliver a calf? There's still probably a difference.
"Damn, he thought as he-this year, hopefully Charisse will be able to spare –"
. Drake is awesome.
"“Damn it!”- She couldn’t really be…"
Really amazing. Perfectly illustrated tension and grief. A sorrowful symphony, of sorts, only not quite poetic enough but easily as emotional.
I think the after effects of battle would be the main reason I would never become a hero. When the adreneline rush isn't holding off the pain anymore I'd be all, "Dude, this hurts like a bitch! No, dude, look how deep it- damn! You know what? Done! I'm done! What? Yeah, I did say 'you have my bow,' but you know what? I'm taking it back! Screw you! Find someone else to take your stupid ring to the volcano, prick!"
Fredrick's brief, not really cameo is adorable.
"He had to try to save her, but what then? What if he won the fight and rescued her? - Would she flinch whenever Drake touched her? He couldn’t bear it…"
I'm going to marry this paragraph. Yes, it's a rather silly thing to say, but she's everything I'm looking for in a woman. Pretty, brilliant, down to earth yet sentimental, complex . . . stocky?
I think Drake's bursting open of the wardrobe and begining the interogation happened too fast for such a significant action.
"eyeing the many points of the pitchfork with a"
Come now, Tracey, the pitch fork probably only has three points, four at most, which would be an awfuly big number to Drake, but a smart boy like Carl should be able to handle it :P. Then again, one point is probably far too much for Carl to handle at the moment.
We work for Kendra Gwydion
I forgot all about Kendra's last name. I suppose, unlike Marcia, I've yet to grow accustomed to it.
Witches? As in plural? I didn't know Kendra came in plural.
“They want to be beautiful! you know, and – ”
Here's a copy of the impending lawsuit detailing how stealing Arthur's sthict was a violation of TotSS' copyright. I'll see you in court .O
Car's personal philosophy is awesome.
. . . Though his feelings of karmic retribution seem strangely un-Carlish. It does make sense, mind you, that he'll resort to allowing the cosmic order to get back at his enemy's rather than do it himself confrontationaly.
Drake's temper tantrum is hysterical :P
"And besides, you weren’t supposed to attack an unarmed opponent, were you? It wasn’t manly."
Drake is in for a dreadfl awakening when Jack comes around and royally pwns him.
"Carl spent a few moments searching for the sarcasm in this question and then realized, with a great deal of discomfort and something that was a lot like pity, that there wasn’t any."
I've decidded to cheat on my spouse for this paragraph. I still love the old one, but I need something fresh and exciting in my life. It's either this or a sports car.
"He’d always wanted to have occasion to tell someone that he was a man of his word"
"“Jolly good!” was certainly not something you were ever supposed to say to your prisoners."
I'm going to have a lot of mistresses before this chapter is over.
There's just something about Charisse and Mrs. Drake's interaction that suggests an enormous depth to the family beyond what we've already seen. There's a comfortable history there, and it's endearing. Furthermore, I think it's only right to mention that I imagine Charisse and Drake's mother having this conversation while washing dishes in a decidedly non-medieval sink.
"Every day, the retired Sir Hannesson awoke -and cry out, “Boys! Awake! We are invaded!”"
You're profoundly brilliant.
"His brother Ron would yawn,"
No, no. There can be no Ron in an extended family of red heads. This will have to go in the revision.
Yay for goodies.
I didn't know Drake had a sister o_o.
“Let the boy speak, let him breathe, he’ll be fine, he’s a man, he’s his father’s son, this is nothing!”
Donald, played by Chuck Norris, then strokes his beard thouhgtfully and proceeds to rounhouse kick Kendra in the face.
Excellently capture entrophy caused by a worried mother and eager siblings. Seriously, Tracey, there's no end to how much I love this chapter. The sheer amount you've improved since the prior chapter three is astounding, and you were already so gifted then. I'm immensely proud and envious of you in equal proportions.
*Mrs. Drake grabs her son by the ear scoldingly* "How could you let a bunch of highly trained and well armed criminals outmatch you like that?"
"Ow! Ow! Mom! You don't understand! One of them was really bamf! Ow!"
A fine outlet for your unusable Vince/Kevin male bomding, luv, I heartily approve.
| EnigmaInk chapter 3 . 8/4/2007
Feeding the livestock comes first, THEN avenging the kidnapping. Silly Drake.
I am glad Carl's shown up earlier though. He's a delight.
My new band: Kendra Gwydion And The Witches.
*I* am a danger to your neighbors, actually. I sicced an unstable gnome/gremlin creature upon them. Shh, don't tell.
Pssh, everyone says Jolly Good to their prisoners! Don't be ashamed Drake!
Whoa, nine siblings, way to not be an orphan. I think there might be some vague innuendo in there...
I adore the ending. I hope Sir Hannesson manages to sneak back at some point for something. Maybe Jack will pull him out of his jacket.
| Kitsuneko chapter 1 . 8/4/2007
I really really enjoyed this story, but I confess I was seriously considering hitting the back button as soon as I clicked on it because of the huge blocks of paragraphs, they're really intimidating. I'd suggest breaking them down into smaller paragraphs to make them easier to read.
The other thing I noticed is dialogue: "“I could probably think of someone.” He retorted." should be: “I could probably think of someone,” he retorted.
"“That’s too bad.” Retorted Isadora," should be: “That’s too bad,” retorted Isadora; etc. Other than that, a delightful start.
| pixy-dizzy chapter 2 . 7/8/2007
I like this corn-fed hero thing you have going on. How very American of you. It reminds me a little of Superman. XD
I actually rather liked the fight scene. It was comedic and tense at the same time-that is, I hope you were going for a touch of comedic about it. Knowing you, I think you were. :) Poor Charisse. I wonder how this New Charisse is going to hold up against our favorite cackling villain with self-image issues?
And, since you know me fairly well by now, I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say that I'm just excited for Jack and Marcia to enter in. XD I'm sorry! You're rolling your eyes right now! But they're my favorite, favorite characters and they have been from the beginning and hey, you gotta give me props for loyalty, no? :D
I'll leave a longer review next time, but I'm really drained of energy right now for some reason, so I'll leave you with the altogether too common: Update soon, please! (More props for the 'please', please.) XD I heart you.
| Fresh Harvest chapter 2 . 6/26/2007
Summer's been crazy and I actually haven't been able to keep up with stories very easily, so I'm sorry for the late review. T_T Thank you for your amazing response, though.
First of all, I had no problem with your fight scene at all. :) I remember I had a fairy tale project for English class last year, and it was a lot of fun, but I had to write a few fight scenes and I thought, man, these are pretty hard. With such a motley crew, I imagine it was that much more difficult. I didn't find the scene anticlimactic or uninteresting at all; it was fine to me, and it actually seemed pretty "intense", at least judging by Charisse's reactions. Reactions help make that reality, right? So I personally think you did a good job, not that I'm a pro or anything. :P
I also just love your narrating style in general. You're obviously a very humorous person, and I like that that shows in your writing. It makes your style your own. :) I personally loved this line:
“Shut up!” Roared the leviathan – a giant? An ogre? A normal man who always ate his vegetables? – taking a swing at the stuttering man with his nail-filled wooden club.
Hahaha. Well, so this isn't really saying much, but I wanted to make sure I reviewed this chapter and everything. :) Totally loving this revised version, and can't wait to see more! Have a great day. :)
| sugarandspice91 chapter 2 . 6/19/2007
*sob* drake sweety...hes...injured. its like watching a puppy try to arm wrestle. it makes me sad. shame about the not being able to scream desparingly properly. i mean, whats the point of being kidnapped if you can't scream and bite people and whatnot? lovely chap. and the fight scene was just beautiful. really.
| FantasyBum chapter 2 . 6/15/2007
Ah, yes, the poor rope. Pity it shall never make another appearance in the plot line even again.
And so our dear meat-puppet survives. That would make sense, seeing that if Drake were to meet his end in the entirely entertaining brawl in the barn, the plot whould kinda, well... die.
Ugg needs to have a hidden family story and a deep background that would develope him more as a thoroughly missunderstood character. Like "Just because he was teased as a child because of his height and his father died of the plague when he was very young, Ugg had been tossed into this horrible mess of a life which broke his soft heart that yearned for fluffy puppies and flower-filled meadows, and left him with an empty feeling of little or no accomplishment."
Or something like that...
| Dust Cloud chapter 2 . 6/7/2007
What good would a HAND-MIRROR do? So that he could make the assailant faint from his own beauty or something? lol
I love how Charisse panicks. It's so funny.
“Shut up!” Roared the leviathan – a giant? An ogre? A normal man who always ate his vegetables? lmao. That is so Ugg.
Carl is such a n00b.
The sheet-rope is so emo.
Drake was not QUITE panicked enough to put aside such frivolities as sniffing his beloved in a time of certain danger. Honestly, only Drake would do that...
They didn’t hear the thudding footsteps as Isadora ran across to their side of the roof. But they did notice when she leapt off the barn like a predatory cat and took Charisse down like a big ol’ sickly antelope with a limp. (Love this paragraph)
...and was baffled and frustrated when she simply turned around, so he was still facing a kicking, gasping Charisse. (lol)
Agh! Charisse has vanished on the black shadow of doom!
What's with that author's note? I think your fight scene was amazing! Very well written, spectacular, all that... xD Please update soon!
| EnigmaInk chapter 2 . 6/6/2007
Ok. And anyways, do whatever you like with Iza's profile.
"It was exhilarating. And it was SCARY."
"a giant? An ogre? A normal man who always ate his vegetables?"
...their paces matched perfectly" Despite his being what, a foot and a half taller than her? Hmm.
Isadora does magic, with blue puffs and everything?
*I* think it was a perfectly nice action sequence. Granted this comes from the girl fond of chapters consisting solely of three pages of narration, but whatever. Good chappie.
| Zozma chapter 2 . 6/5/2007
“Is-is-isad-d-dora said we should go qu-quietl–”
Arthur cameo yay . . .
"Drake and Charisse instinctively clutched one another’s hands"
This'd be a great moment of shippery if it wasn't already ruddy obvious at this point that the two would end up together :P. Also, I'm amazed Drake is able to maintain composure while touching any amount of Charisse's flesh.
I like Drake's instant heroic demeanor in the face of danger. Throw in a magic sword and some destiny here or there and you've got the makings of a perfect hero :P.
Charisse's "I'ma go hide" reaction is a little disappointing, but I suppose a peasant with no weapons experience isn't going to be much help against assumedly trained assassins/kidnappers. I guess she isn't going to go all Elizabeth Swan and magically obtain superior swordsmanship.
"Drake pulled her into the briefest embrace ever recorded"
Aww, Drake's growing up inbetween rewrites. To think at one time he would have fainted at the sight of Charisse's luscious ankles.
I think you've got Charisse's horrified tenor down quite well. The stomach sickness, the fumbling. For all the times Rincewind flees in fear you never see much of a reaction out of him, yet you've hit it pretty well. Charisse's is admittedly a remarkably clear thinker, albeit not a particularly dexteritous one, for someone under stress, but she's probably just got the makings of a hero herself.
"The whole endeavor of locking off-never work."
A genunienly well written and exasperatingly long sentence :) Good work, RIS
"Drake’s head pound-and then you meet Ugg."
A very specific smilie :P Very funny though.
"Roared the leviathan – a giant? An ogre?"
"A normal man who always ate his vegetables?"
Now that's not very heroic of Drake, leading the badguys up to Charisse. Tripping over the sheet rope meant for her escape is rather appropriate for Drake, though. I'm not sure why Carl was the first one up the stairs, but his reaction is priceless enough.
Once again, excellent use of physiological fear to express dramatic tension.
A rather unique and inopportune moment of personification there, what with the sheets. I imagine your review from Gina will contain her endless remorse on its suicide somewhere in there :P
Holding hands, hugging, catching one another . . . this is like a shipper's fantasy and you've only gotten to chapter two. It's going to be hecktic when you shake it up.
"Drake was not QUITE panicked enough to put aside such frivolities as sniffing his beloved in a time of certain danger."
Adorable. Hilarious. And . . . a little creepy.
“They’re going to be out soon.” She pulled away, jittery again,- completely unarmed –”
Aww Very endearing. Nicely written, too.
You've a brilliant use of adjectives that I convet sorely. Sure, it's a basic skill and the foundation of any good writer, but that doesn't stop you from doing it well and, more unforgiveably, *better* than me.
Charisse has a sling shot? I'm sure there are a myriad of non-violent household chores that could be completed with a slingshot, but the Denis the Menace archetype still looms its ugly head and scars my fanboyishness.
"but after twenty years’ working and playing together their paces matched perfectly."
Clever and precious observation. Nice one.
"Poised on the roof -action."
*eagerly awaits for Isadora to do something awesome while dressed in Isadora brand t-shirt and squeezing 'My Little Bamf' plushie.*
Then they made a beeline in her direction, so she sat back down and waited.
*drops head in dissapointment*
"But they did notice when she leapt off the barn like a predatory cat and took Charisse down like a big ol’ sickly antelope with a limp."
Isadora is so badass she renders the narrator incapable of formulating dignifying similies :P
On a side note, Charisse is absolutely amazing for actually making an effort to ward off her attacker, however fruitless. Many women somehow get the macabre notion into their head that laying down and accepting punishment will save them from death. Not Charisse, though, which makes her almost Bamf, really. Not quite.
"Crying out in surprise and panic as Charisse went down-as Isadora held Charisse up between Drake and herself."
Not only is Isadora's improvisional use of her target- the woman she's meant to keep alive- as a shield totally badass, but her reliance in Drake's competency to stop pre-attack is a sure sign of what I assume is further awesomeness.
Proper military tactics elude Drake, sadly.
"Drake wasn’t able to save her and she couldn’t even emit a proper scream of despair."
A very important qualification for any aspiring virgin maiden. He can't save her from certain peril and she can't look pathetic while in said tumultuous situations. They're both failures, whcih is the best kind of equality :P.
"Charisse flailed about and - had she been bawling this whole time?"
I really like this paragraph. You did a great job with it, especially the sack part. Well done.
"Well, at least Mama’s Boy was smaller than he was."
I've only ever practiced knife fights as far as armed combat goes, and I've learned strength in situations like that aren't so essential. I also know that in an unarmed fight strength is very, very important despite what skinny, ancient Asian men may say to the contrary. As far as armed fights go regarding swords and pole arms you'll ahve to ask Sarah or Ben, I'm decidedly ignorant on the subject.
Drake's wounded! o_o That never happens to the hero! How . . . morbidly original!
"The darkness was all-engulfing.- pitchfork and the club."
Very nice imagery. You're improving all the time and you already started out excellent.
Yay foir Drake not being dismembered! Another excellent chapter, Tracey. You're an amazing authoress and I can't wait for chapter three :) Let's hope this mean streak of timely updates holds up.
| Ben-ho of Fnordia chapter 2 . 6/5/2007
Another exquisite chapter. I was greatly impressed by your ability to write a fight scene in third person. I couldn't do it if I tried. I loved you showing more character for each of the hench-people.
a giant? An ogre? A normal man who always ate his vegetables?
You are maintain hillarity, and the sense of action in the story is building.
| sugarandspice91 chapter 1 . 5/27/2007
alright! the new story is started! oh, how i've missed these characters. they're like family to me. omg, the whole thing with drake almost proposing...that was painful. i felt so bad for the voices in his head. and for charrise. "i want to marry someone who is exactly like you" drake: "m." she has so much patience. i could never do that. yay henchmen! i like ugg the most. him and his one brain cell...its great. aw poor carl. no one loves him. lol, eyebrow? what an awsome name. isadora makes up the best names. i heart the last line of this. i had to reread it once, but once i got it i was like ..o! thats perfect.
so, now i wait for the next chappy. :)