|Reviews for What You Can't See|
| lianoid chapter 1 . 7/6/2010
She definitely didn't want to watch an education movie on herpes. Eww.
-Oh dear. How do you mix that one up? S
She considered throwing it away and having nothing to do with it, for he was a stranger, and an especially weird one, at that.
-Personal: I felt that the “for he” read a bit stiffly. Personally, I would change it to “since he”.
That day seemed to go particularly slow, as if it were purposely tormenting her, but it passed, and she was home soon enough.
-Personal: I might throw an “eventually” before “passed” or “it”.
Another fantastic story. Man, you have such a great imagination, and combined with your writing skill, you crank out some amazing stories. This was so engaging, I practically read this one straight through. I really enjoyed this piece – much like your other ones – and I almost felt like I was a kid again, I was so enthralled. You create such amazing tales that really transport me out of reality. I thoroughly enjoy reading your work. You have a wonderful talent, just so you know. ;)
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 7/4/2010
Ah, I liked this one a lot, too. :)
I liked the whole "pay it forward" theme going on. :P I liked how human Erika seemed to be from feeling guilty about not being able to change the things that she saw.
I also like the boy character. He seems quite strange, but I think he was just like Erika before he figured out how to change things around for the better. :)
I also liked the ending because the cycle continues... :)
~Avid. Roadhouse/GF. 9/9 :D
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
Well first of all, geesh, this I'll make me think twice while at my next visit to the mall!
I really like how imaginative this whole piece is, this is a great short story and you have a great grasp of your main character. I again, love how you handle the metaphor of not being able to help some things, yet wanting to, it kind of even touches on stuff you can see on TV some times. I also like how you made the telescope sound like a great gift and then it kind of turned into something with more dimension, that's just a very mature use of a metaphorical device and when you add that your narrator is so young it has a great twist.
I just liked how inventive this piece was, and I like the beginning and the ending too. You open with something really familiar yet still go straight into the action, while you end with the exact right thing to do-a pick-pocket! You also leave it open ended in a way that makes me hope that the guy will change his ways if he looks into the telescope, though you never know!
And double yay for friendships!
from the review marathon (link in my profile)
| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 4/26/2009
"Example 3: If the quotation is embedded in the middle of a sentence, where the sentence begins with a speech tag and continues after the quotation, the last word before the quote is followed immediately by a comma, then a space, then the quotation mark, then the capital letter to begin the quote. The last word of the quote is followed immediately by a comma, then the quotation mark, then a space, then the sentence continues with a lower-case word (again, unless the word in question is a proper noun)."
A few examples of what you did:
[“Do you have a ride?” she asked, “My mom’s picking me up in like, five minutes, and we could take you home if you wanted.” Ashley brightened.]
[“Take it back,” she said, “It’s yours, and I’m going mad with guilt, here!”]
[“Don’t get me wrong, I love it,” she started, “But this thing is going to drive me up a wall!” And with that she handed the telescope back to him. He gave her a strange look.]
You modified said/-bookisms with adverbs more than you should. It lowers the effect of the dialogue.
- Review Marathon, link in profile.
| EstrelyaSpica chapter 1 . 4/25/2009
Yayy~ I like the story~
That telescope is so mysterious that i wish I had one...
Too bad though, she lost it...
Oh~ That mysterious guy and Erika.. I think they will be a perfect match.. *tee-hee*
I like the idea of the story and it's ending~
(_) great job~
| gigglebug chapter 1 . 2/21/2009
Awwh! I liked it. ]
I really liked how you wrapped up (sort of) where the telescope went. It was cool how the "cycle" still has a possibility of continuing but leaves the whole thing to the reader. That's way cool.
I also liked how Erika friended Ashley in the end, unlike the guy in the beginning who just ran off.
I didn't catch any typos, either, so pluses for you! yay!
~TBT typo review :P
| incandescente chapter 1 . 10/24/2007
Before reading this story, I told myself that I'd be looking at the story and not the technical aspects of it.
I enjoyed reading this. :) it was a pretty sweet story and it can be the stepping stone to getting to know the other girl more.
However, i felt that the telescope part was rushed as compared to the longer parts detailing the bad birthday erika had. perhaps if possible, both should be of equal length if not, the telescope to be longer. Because it took place over a span of time.
One thing that disturbed me was the mention of different countries. What made you determine it was london, it was africa? i didn't know, i just knew it was the country. i think it'd be good to describe one of the country's main spot, so that we readers read it and go eureka! i know it's london kind of thing. Show, not tell. Describe. :)
Pretty good overall. :)
All the best!
| FrankCastleCM09 chapter 1 . 10/7/2007
I found the beginning to be a bit slow, it kind of dragged a bit but picked up as the story progressed. It amazes me that this is a one shot considering you left some stuff open (which isn't a bad thing) you ever thought about continuing? I think you did an excellant job particularly with the characters and the way you describe them and the way they act. I particularly enjoyed the the way the story progressed toward the end and the final few sentences brought the story to a close perfectly.
A good read :)
| Violet Marx chapter 1 . 5/22/2007
I suggest you speed up the beginning (explaining her bad day) just a little, because I got a little bored until she got the telescope.
Heartwarming and cute.
Now I'd like to hear what happened to the pickpocket, please. DD
Well, if that's what you are planning to do.
I hope you are.
| Jules Kelly chapter 1 . 5/21/2007
This was a very sweet, cute, and uplifting story. I always love the mysterious dude characters, and let's face it, he was pretty cool. Even though the ending could be considered sappy, it worked wonderfully! Umm...I didn't notice any spelling errors, and I can't think of any changes you should make. All in all, this story is wonderful!