|Reviews for Old Draft of The Phoenix Wars|
| Getuie chapter 1 . 5/18/2008
Interesting start. It's often the hardest thing to do to get the reader to the second chapter. You've laid the groundwork well enough to keep the reader curious about where this will lead. A few typos... but not enough to bring too much distraction.
Vleugels is Dutch isn't it?
| tmelange1 chapter 2 . 4/28/2008
Great beginning. I am intrigued. Bravo!
| Alteng chapter 32 . 4/26/2008
Okay, I went ahead and read the Author's note. I am used to you having longer chapters, but that is cool. You haven't seen my latest chapter! I griped about how long that one turned out!
As for what I did like of the story was the fact that Groth grew in character. He went from someone that I could sympathize with, then someone I felt needed his butt kicked, to a sypathetic character again. He survived. he grew up. Even the end when he cannot accept Alban for takinf Soth's place, I can understand that. I respect him for having the balls for not accepting it.
The major thing that I didn't like about the story you know about. I didn't like that you shifted to the third person to talk about the Phoenix. The story reads as a tale that Groth as to tell, maybe even a diary. I have written a multi-narrator story. I can't say it is the best written story, but because there are seven narrators, it is not so centered around the one person. I also changed chapters for the change of narrator as well. The reader is already pulled from the suspension of disbelief that the change of narrator moves along better. This comes from someone who read while half asleep most of the time. Although it is important that we see Dammerung and Kindran and their opinions of the war, I think that it can come out in that scene with the negotiations. I guess I do understand wanting to make a sympathic look at the enemy, but I think as rotten as the Crow/Raven society is, there is already sympathy for the Phoenix.
The scen with Alban and Kindran was a good scene, but I still son't like the pull from first person, unless there is some way that Groth could finso out this information.
As for killing off so many. i guess that happens. I was kind of thinking of the last Harry Potter book on that one, but then again is that not the way of war. Jormungander's death and him taking down Mjoinir with him seemed quite logical. And sometimes, characters do things that are unexpected. That is a good sign. Killing off so many of Groth's friends did do the job of making him a bit more sympathetic, because there was a great sense of loss and the horrors of the battle.
The battle with Azamon and the Phoenix mage, whose name escaoes me at the time, could use a bit of work. It seemed that at the last minute, boom, the two mages were dead. Such scenes take a lot of writing to get the proper feel. I think that is the reason we all gripe about writing action.
Anyway, this story went over well as a whole. You are getting to be a better writer as time goes on. The first person narrative suits you well. It does lend better to character developement.
I do look forward to when you go back to writing Behemoth, but I can handle reading sci fi. I've never managed to write the genre myself, but I do have some interest in it.
| Alteng chapter 31 . 4/26/2008
I read this a week ago, but i got caught up with so much other internet business that I didn't get a chance to review.
Anyway, I still have issues with the validity of Alban letting the others know his true idenity, but I would guess it would be hard at first to take the place of Soth Maore. Groth and Brig seem to recognize him right off for who he truly is. Maybe it would have been more prudent to have waited until all the former members had died. Still, it is his decision and it seems to have gone over well.
It was nice to see that Groth had moved on from Aldrea, but that was a passing thing, and most of us grow out of such things. We might not forget, but we do move on.
I was jsut wondering what happened to Hana's parents, but this is not important and the hints are good enough.
Anyway, I hope to finish this out soon. Maybe tonight. I hope you had fun in France. I am envious, mind you. And you ought to see the ad at the bottom of this chapter.
| Alteng chapter 30 . 4/7/2008
Sorry for the delay. I've been getting Alteng in trouble and it has been fun. I go with the muse.
I am surprised by several things going on in the course of this chapter. One of them is that Hoss was the second. I would have thought that the Saber Ranks would belong to Alban, because he had known Soth Maore the longest.
The other major thing that I found surprising was that it became wide known that Maore was dead and the funeral and all. I guess I feel this way because of the story about Alban. It will be interesting to see how this will turn full circle, and I would think there will be a big to do about accepting the feline commission.
Aldrea did indeed return. The conversation was awkward, but I do believe you intended that to be that way. In a way, they sounded like two insecure young crushes. I wonder if Groth is actually over her yet.
| Alteng chapter 29 . 3/25/2008
Okay, I hace finished reading that little side project now. Don't ask!
It seems that I just can't get caught up, but I will. I would guess that you have posted the last of the story with those last three chapters.
As for my feelings of getting interested in the story, don't mind me much. I was getting kind of bored with all the negotiations and the fling with Aldrea. These are important parts to the story. After all, I spent a good 10 chapters settling in Lucifer in Part IV. Likewise those are important parts for character developement. Besides, stories should pick up at the end, where the climax should be. There is usually one to two chapters after the main climax, mind you. Hey, the dust has to settle somehow.
As to this chapter, I hate seeing the Poisoner dying. He was so slippery. I wonder if he did his assignment from Groth. Oh well, the boy won't be paying for it now.
I actually was feeling a bit sorry for Groth, because he has lost all his friends, but that is one of the horrors of war.
As for Weltmeer's murder of the Phoenix, it may seem rather heartless and nasty on the surface, but I wonder if it wasn't for the best. After all, as Groth notices, the infant has the eyes of one that is a 1,0 years old. Alban did say that they would fight until the last, and these survivors could rise up later on. I bet Weltmeer (I am not venturing his first name in this.) used a slow acting poison on the others that they found in that tower and gave food to.
The encounter between Kindran and Alban was interesting. Somehow I just figured that the homosexuality would not mean as much to the Phoenixes, because of that immortality.
And some of us know that Alban will live on, even if he is posing as Soth.
| Lccorp2 chapter 32 . 3/24/2008
Well, at least I can see Grothanin does grow a spine throughout the work, but that's the only thing that really leapt out at me.
Other than that, fine. I suppose you might say it was a cheat to wrap up the characters' storylines by killing them off, but it's no better-or worse-than having one-sentence liners explaining what happenened to them like the end of a 19th-century novel.
I can see it's leading into Behemoth, as well. No problem there.
| Alteng chapter 28 . 3/20/2008
I guess someone has mistaken you for having Groth's personality on here. I've known better for awhile. I would hope that you have more morals than the man.
By shoving the blame of his brother's death off on another shows some major negative things about the character, but I would not put it pass him. He has always been a character of few scruples, and he always has looked out for the preservation of his own life. Many would call him a 'Mary Jane' on this site, but I like it that the character is a bit on the slimy side. Of course, he is a bit akin to your character Sloth in the story about the seven deadly sins.
If Groth is doing things that you don't want him to do, then it says you have done some good character developement. Can I throttle Alteng now? Maybe Groth and Alteng can try to throttle each other!
As for the revelation of Alban and Soth's realationship, that was a bit of a shock. I always thought of them as loving each other as brothers. Oh well. Do I think any less of them? No. It was just a shock.
As for Alban catching Groth with that letter, I think Alban would have been a bit upset about that. After all, Groth is still only a lowly thug. That letter contained many inciminating things. I would think that not only would Alban not want it wide known that he and Soth had such a relationship, but the fact that the enigmatic leader is dead. This could destroy the Saber Ranks.
I am getting vastly interested in this story again. So, that says something about the progression of the story.
| Alteng chapter 27 . 3/19/2008
Okay, back to the story. One of my goals is to read "Black Company". Right now I am trying to get an idea about how to write adventures on a ship. Lucifer and the other are going to be stuck on that ship too dang long.
I like Alban giving some of his life story there. It is odd how fast the Phoenixes lose the secretiveness of their special ability. But I still liked the information.
I think that the Poisoner might be my favorite character out of this bunch, because he is so sneaky and dangerous. Indeed, I have to agree that he is scarier because of the personal interest that he places in a victim.
The fight scene was interesting, but I think that I would have to separate the scenes with Rastion and Azamon. If Janan's brother grabs him, he is likely not be interested anymore in watching the end of Azamon. I think that Azamon could go out in his blaze of glory (I couldn't resist) then Rastion grab Janan from behind and the struggle ensue from there. That way you could still have the comparison between the two deaths.
| Alteng chapter 26 . 3/17/2008
Sorry it has taken so long.
It seems like the cat is out of the bag on the ressurrection of the Phoenixes.
I don't know what to think about Dammerung. He seems rather narrow minded, but in a way, I can see his point as well. That does make for a good character when they walk in between. Of course, I do see things in an odd way.
I would have to say that Alelheid left cursing at the end of this meeting. After all, this was no negotiation of surrender, and it seems that the Phoenix have nothing of any use to them.
I do like that ALban took the time to explain about Aldrea. It is nice to know that Janan is still sore (in more than one way) about that.
| Lccorp2 chapter 29 . 3/16/2008
Not much to say this round. But you're right, too many deaths too close together, and it becomes...desentisized in a way.
| Lccorp2 chapter 28 . 3/12/2008
Not to bad, I suppose, but a question:
Why the sudden conclusion that Mr. Jager killed Rastion (well, I understand that, but why didn't Groth protest)? No mention was made of where his body was found or under what circumstances he'd died. No one saw Groth stab his brother, and presuambly the body came in with some others who'd died in the initial conflict once the ranks were past the wall (or Azamon's at least). Why wouldn't it be reasonable for Groth to suggest Rastion was one of the early casualties? There's no evidence pointing in any direction, after all, unless there's some method of ascertaining the method that hasn't surfaced yet (not sure if they have the equivalent of a forensics team with them.)
Even then, why bring the poisoner into it? Being the coward he is, I'd have expected Groth to wait and see things out, rather than approach a man he's terrified of and probably knows his involvement will be more trouble than it's worth.
| wolfblood82 chapter 27 . 3/11/2008
Well, good chapter as always. The battle scenes were pretty much well done and the drama with it as well especially in the end. Just something that popped into my head. I think I remember in one of the prologues in the chapters that you've said that The Vandal died with the one who killed him. Which means I think Skollhati will most definitely die in the end... well, just something from my head here though. And yeah, interesting bit on immortality. I also have the same idea of sorts for Wolfblood as well fyi. Interesting to see how the war will end...
| Lccorp2 chapter 27 . 3/9/2008
-A small tidbit: a cuppula is also the dome of some religious structures, and can also mean a small blast furnace.
-A small question. I'm not sure if the phoenix would celebrate their birthdays every year. (Unless Soth Maore forced it on Alban.) Probably because it'd lose its impact (an example would be ancient chinese. Even though the new year was supposed to be everyone's birthday, most didn't celebrate it until they got really old.
Hm, reading on, yes, it'd probably be a result of Soth forcing it on Alban. Correct me if I'm wrong.
-Ouch. Either Yaley has an ulterior motive, or he's just being stupid, which admittedly would be out of character. I'll bet on the ulterior motive in aggravating Azamon.
-The duel is well written, at least in terms of pacing. The repetition of "boom" works fine, but the appearance of the Vandal's animals-split up the paragraph, maybe give each animal its own paragraph. That was it seems less ponderous, and it really sticks out, one big block surrounded by short sentences.
-I still don't really get it. Why would Groth have been allowed to get close enough to Azamon for the last scene to happen? Either he'd have noticed himself edging away from the safe line (which, given all that was going on, would have been a long distance away from Azamon), or given the people who'd gathered to watch Azamon, someone would have pulled him back. He doesn't have a habit of being oblivious to his surroundings like Egg has, and if he's within shouting range to disturb Azamon's concentration, I'm wondering why something hasn't happened to him.
Just a thought.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 26 . 2/20/2008
Whoops, sorry for the very super belated review. For some funny reason, I forgot about the updates till now... :S Anyway, good chapters you've got all along, but maybe you can do the war scenes in a more detailed manner although I'll have to say that's up to you. That being said though, I think you can really let your imagination go wild here given the current turn of events. Btw, the names Grothanin and Rastion seems familiar to me. Did you use those names in the prototype version of the Behemoth fic? Anyway, interesting end to the updated chapter. Interested to see what will come out of this...